Smartarse Inventor Outfoxes London Mayor: Designs Car Powered By ULEZ Regulations

Funny story written by Regan Rist

Wednesday, 15 March 2023

image for Smartarse Inventor Outfoxes London Mayor: Designs Car Powered By ULEZ Regulations
Mrs Colvin said Mr Khan should "get used to having ULESS revenue"

Amateur scientist Angela Colvin has found a way around London’s financially crippling ULEZ scheme after designing a car which does not require fuel to run, instead being propelled by the same energy source that is causing the scheme to constantly expand.

“I was furious but not surprised when they announced that they were expanding ULEZ to all of Greater London,” Mrs Colvin said.

“I’d been saying all along that once they’d introduced it, they were just going to keep moving the goalposts to screw as much money as possible out of motorists.

“But then it occurred to me that the constantly shifting goalposts are in fact a perpetual motion machine, which could be used to power a vehicle rather than just increasing revenue.”

Mrs Colvin then imposed a labyrinthine series of ever-changing edicts on her three teenage children, modelled on ULEZ. With the children in the car, no petrol is required, the instability of the regulations providing the vehicle with energy. The more arbitrary changes she makes to the rules, the more the car’s performance improves.

The regulatory regime specifies, among other things, what time the Colvin children are to go to bed, which friends they can spend time with, which of Gary Lineker’s comments they’re allowed to criticise, how many conjunctions they can use in a sentence, and which days of the week they’re allowed to wear green socks.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan, who has overseen ULEZ since it was introduced in 2019, condemned Mrs Colvin, saying that the conditions she was imposing on her children were intolerable. “Mrs Colvin might think she’s clever, but this emission-free car is really just burdening the next generation with the consequences of our addiction to non-non-renewable energy. Buying a new car every few months to keep up with ULEZ changes really isn’t a huge imposition.”

Ashley Colvin, Angela’s 14-year old daughter, told the Mayor to shut up. "These rules are annoying, but they’re a small price to pay to ensure that future generations have access to affordable transport."

Mrs Colvin is currently in negotiations with Renault to begin production of the car, and hopes to soon start preliminary research for her next project: a new home heating system powered by Westminster scandals.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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