An ornery can of tomato sauce has been granted a restraining order against a sadistic can opener who is constantly offing the heads of all of the can’s family and relatives.
The 15 ounce can of tomato sauce, Larry Veryred has been living in fear of being offed by the kitchen can opener Lonny Jab. Jab has offed over a hundred cans in his lifetime. The restraining order clearly states that Mr. Jab has to stay a minimum of three feet away from Mr. Veryred and his family.
Standing near the edge of a counter top, Mr. Veryred stated: “It has really been a nightmare for all of us.
"Every time that I am in the cupboard I have to constantly look over my shoulder to see if Jab is coming to cut my head open and then have my brains dumped into a pot of spaghetti sauce.
"All of us cans live in fear in a cupboard of diminishing numbers.
“I just can’t even name all the members of my extended family and friends that have come under the scythe of Mr. Jab who has constantly gotten away with outright murder. I’ve reported Jab to the local recycling company to no avail.
"I am left with very little options.”
But nothing is lost for Mr. Veryred. According to the tenants of recycling, all expired cans are recycled into fortune cookies and after they are broken open by Chinese restaurant patrons, they are again recycled into Captain Crunch cereal boxes where their reincarnation comes to an end when some two year old eats the box.
As of press time it was discovered that the kitchen had been anointed with a new can opener the day after the restraining order was issued and was not considered in the order. The new can opener ended up offing Larry, his wife Nancy as well as their three children of tomato paste.
