You Know What Every Town Needs?

Funny story written by Eva Watson

Friday, 5 November 2010

My town is a great place. When my family and I moved here from Chicago in the fall of '08 it was a huge transition for us. We're city-folk. We went from apartment renters to home owners to future PTAers. We moved here for Syd, our three and a half year old. We want her to have the best education, neighborhoods and overall everything that our little village has to offer... and boy, does this town deliver. An incredible library, a slew of yummy restaurants and a plethora of soccer academies for toddlers barely out of diapers. I dare not ask for more... but I'm afraid I may have to.

Though this town is such a wonderful place to live I had to ask myself, "How can I make this town more awesomer? How can my original and well-meaning ideas make every town more super?" Well, I took my brain to the limits of imagination and simple resident need and wish to propose three ventures that are sure to make my and all local municipalities even greater!

Proposal #1 Cheese and Gelato to Go-Go Vending Machines

Raise your hands if you love cheese. Sweet. Now raise them higher if you adore gelato. Oh, baby, we're in business! Not only would these snackerific machines be strategically housed all over downtown areas but will also be placed within our schools. It's a fact our children don't intake enough calcium. With the installations of the Cheese and Gelato to Go-Go Vending Machines in all educational facilities our kids would get all the calcium needed as well as having an array of cheese selections and gelato flavors to choose from... and to go-go! Munster, cheddar, asiago cheeses. Chocolate, vanilla, peach-cobbler gelato. Oh, sin of all sinful yumminess. Today's pop and junk food vending machines are dangerous. They're toxic! Everyone knows that gelato is so much better for us than ice cream. Duh. Bear Claws are so passe. Gatorade has no business in our bodies. Go more calcium! Healthy and convenient! Lactose-intolerant options are in the works.

Proposal #2 1st Annual Our Town! "Damn, It's Cold Outside" Winter Parade

Just hear me out. It's a fact that summer parade-watching gets warm. Well, it gets really hot out there, right? Constantly drinking fluids and sweating in places we don't talk about. Who sweats in wintertime? It's so #%! cold outside that I can definitively say NO ONE. Why wouldn't you want to experience a winter parade extravaganza in the bitter cold? The Anti-Arctic Freeze Hot Chocolate Float would fill your tummy with piping hot cocoa, the Ultra Alpaca/Polyester Lined Mittens Float would keep those fingers warm and toasty prior to becoming cyanotic and falling off and the Keep Jumping and Don't Stop Float would not only keep you comfortable and motivated in freeze-your-ass-off temperatures but also get you in great winter shape! Everyone wins... if you're stupid enough to stay out in 5 below windchill temps. Just kidding! I'm fairly certain this is a good idea.

Proposal #3 Raccoon Smasher Garden Patrol

For the record, I love animals. The majority of them are cute and furry. BUT IF I SEE ONE MORE FUCKING RACCOON EAT MY SUMMER GARDEN STRAWBERRIES I'M GONNA SMASH IT TO PIECES! Now, don't let the title of this proposal or my personal feelings leave a bad taste in your mouth. This is only meant to intimidate these creatures. Intense physical training, twenty hours of lecture and lab and hands-on nocturnal combat exercises are the classes required to be a member of this unique and elite, world-wide force. Those with martial arts experience are encouraged to apply. A passion for gardening, novice application in camouflage make-up and advanced emotional detachment skills are just a few prerequisites needed. Please record your training and review areas that need improvement. Have fun! I will serve as your advocate and decide what citizens will best serve their communities prior to final candidate selection.

I really love my town. I'm sure you love yours. My proposals are a testament of my dedication to my new, suburban landscape and the betterment of all people everywhere.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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