Corbett Slams SATC2 Critics; Says He WILL Marry Bo Derek
The lukewarm critical reception afforded the latest movie in the Sex And The City franchise, "Menopausal Airhead Arabian Fantasy", has irked one of its male stars, writes Nadia Heiferbreath, Tripe Correspondent. The film - known in the trade as Se...Read full story
Daleks v Alien v Predator v Space Vampires v Rocky?
Hot off the presses from Skoob News Sink: Our very own showbiz insider, Buffty Ginslinger, the man with the large G&T and the constant cigarette, today moved to the east end of London, to announce from his latest hangout on Whitechapel Road that...Read full story
Obama Loses It! Blasts Oil Company, Mother-In-Law, Michelle!
Trouble at the White House this morning when President Barack called his Mother-In-Law everything but a ...no he called her that too. "That old bag stays with us wherever we move. I thought we were finally rid of her this time, but no! She even h...Read full story
Kristen Stewart May Join Pattinson & Lautner In Mel Brooks Vampire Spoof
Kristen Stewart, after Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner got her to sit down and read part of the script, has now agreed to join the two in the Mel Brooks Parody, "Weekend At Bella's" "I laughed so hard I almost wet my panties", Stewart was repo...Read full story
Match Made In Heaven: Larry King & Helen Thomas Linked in Tryst; Wife # 8 Overdoses!
Larry King flew to the side of his estranged wife today after reports she was found in a near coma like state after overdosing upon hearing rumours of a late night tryst between her wrinkled husband, and the much wrinkled crone Thomas who recently...Read full story
Australia's Tax Payers Forced to Pay For Tiger Woods
Angry Australian tax payers have been told the Federal Government will pay a fee to the professional golfing gigalo, Tiger Woods, to attend the Australia Master Golf Open. A spokesperson for the department of Sleeze and other Crap says Woods is c...Read full story
Prince Charles Lectures to Oxford "Scholars": A Prayer Rug in Every Home & Sharia Law Will Make the World Right Again!
Prince Charles, 'electrified' (sic) his audience of Oxford 'scholars' today by touting that the Muslim religion was the most attuned to nature, an a belief if followed would most likely to save the world from its industrialized excesses. His...Read full story
World Cup opening ceremony to be controversial
This Friday, the 2010 FIFA football World Cup begins in South Africa with a spectacular ceremony. The ceremony is said to represent all that is great about South Africa, and is intended to be an even more amazing spectacle than the opening ceremony o...Read full story
Labour Leadership: Diane Abbott in Next Round
As nominations closed today lefty Diane Abbott made it through to the next round of 'Labour's Got Talent'. Speaking to the media, Barber Shop Quartet: Ed Balls, Andy Burnham, David and Ed Miliband said: "We think it's really important to have a wo...Read full story
Man runs over neighbor child with riding lawn mower
The sleepy little suburb of Shadyville was shaken early Sunday when Donough Whut, 42, was taken into custody on charges of running over a two-year-old child with a lawn mower. "What's the big deal?" he said. "I was mowing my lawn, giving my aweso...Read full story
Omid Djalili claims 'wooden spoon' for worst advert
If you think your £40pm insurance premium is a good deal you'd be wrong, very wrong. The actual risk that you'll do something stupid like crashing or running someone over is as little as £4 for the insurer. The other £36 is what accountants call gros...Read full story
George Lopez and Sandra Bullock Fly To South Africa For The FIFA World Cup Soccer Games
JOHANNESBURG, South Africa - George Lopez, who is still upset that his sit-com was cancelled and Sandra Bullock, who is still upset that her husband Jesse "Dick With Feet" James cancelled their marriage with his horde of TattooGate cycle chicks have...Read full story
Britney-Don't Touch My Spear
One of Britney Spears' top bodyguards has quit after accusing her of sexual harassment. 29-year-old Fernando Flores has claimed that Britney paraded naked in front of him, runs around the house naked and even tried to entice him into her bedroom,...Read full story
Ellen DeGeneres Says She Wants Either Sandra Bullock or Scarlett Johansson To Replace Simon Cowell (Hmmm)
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Ellen DeGeneres called up the producer of American Idol, Simon Shindlebocker and told him that she would like for him to replace Simon Cowell with either Sandra Bullock or Scarlett Johansson. Shindlebocker asked Ellen if she had...Read full story
Errant Appletini Spilled on Lohan's Manolos Led to Arrest
Making bail for the second time on the same alcohol related charge, thanks to a California Court Judge's declaration of a parole violation, Lindsay Lohan had to open her check book to the tune of $200,000 to buy her next "get out of jail, but not fre...Read full story
FBI's Last Comment to Reality Star van der Sloot After Handing Over $15,000: "Go Break a Neck!"
The bizarre story involving the Dutch sociopath just gets more bizarre after it was revealed the FBI taped their sting meeting with Joran, but instead of immediately arresting him, bid the bad actor off with the Hollywood Classic Phrase, "OK Joran..Read full story
A Triology of Madness: Part III, The Future of it?!
PartIII Professor Loonybin Jaggedbananas-Fyffes is now hurtling towards the future and not back. His time-machine is in warp-factor 9 and the stars are looking heavenly tonight, bright, but dammit, suddenly a ginoromous black-hole appears: The Future has arrived and with it a divine, pristine madness, never experienced before and a tale worth telling. The landscape is barren and burnt as...Read full story
Barack Obama: "The Fork Stops Here." As He Points To His Pie Hole
Reading from his ever present TelePrompter: "I am the President, and the fork stops here," said Barack Obama, pointing to his pie hole. "I am sick and tired of using dinner silver left over from right wing operatives who preceded me in the White Ho...Read full story
Liverpool Plan To Portray City as 'Not Shit'
Mention the name 'Liverpool' to anyone and their immediate reaction will be to check that their pockets have not been picked or that they haven't stood in shite. Such is the opinion of the vast majority of people who are not of the Liverpudlian ra...Read full story
Coronation Street's Gail Seeks Man to Conceive Child With
Coronation Street sourpuss Gail McIntyre (née Potter; previously Tilsley, Platt & Hillman) is on the hunt for a man so that she can conceive a child with a chin that she can't provide. The chinless wonder - who has alternatively been compared...Read full story
Blue Men with Green Balls Wow America's Got Talent
It was a sight to behold Tuesday night when a group calling itself Fighting Gravity took the stage first thing and gave a show worthy of Vegas right off the bat. Said Piers Morgan, "I just love your green balls. How do you get them to separate an...Read full story
Rooney's Odd Odds
Bookmakers have cut the odds on England star Wayne Rooney being sent off in the World Cup after his referee rant during a warm-up game. The striker was booked for dissent during England's 3-0 victory over Platinum Stars after allegedly saying "f**...Read full story
Dog Whisperer Confesses to Chasing Cats For Years
Top TV dog whisperer Cesar Millan yesterday admitted to animal rights campaigners that he stalked and chased cats throughout California for many years before being forced to seek help from human psychologists. The tight-shirted Cesar Millan who ha...Read full story
Big Brother 2010 Promises To Be Most Controversial Yet
Big Brother 2010 opens tonight, and promises to be the most controversial and exciting edition yet. Like all the other Big Brothers before it. Including the Z-List celebrity version. So here we go again - Davina McCall in her best shouty voice run...Read full story
James Corden Recaptured by RSPCA Following Argument with Patrick Stewart
The RSPCA formerly apologised to the public today following the escape of the recently captured James "Chimpy" Corden. Only a few days ago, the RSPCA took Corden into their care after a number of public incidents, leaving them no option but to cage...Read full story
Extraordinary Malawian "Gay" becomes "straight" after being sentenced to 14 years hard labour?!
A "gay" couple in Malawi have split up because one of the partners (after being sentenced to 14 years hard labour?) decided to change his life-style and jump in bed with a female, astonishing! Now we've heard of Bi's, (David Bowie and Lou Reed per...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan's Court-Ordered Bracelet Goes Off After Her Boozing
A judge issued a warrant for Lindsay Lohan's arrest Tuesday and reset her bail at $200,000, saying Lohan violated terms of her bail when her alcohol monitoring bracelet went off at a party Sunday night. A county prosecutor and Lohan's attorney met...Read full story
Abbott joins leadership race
Diane Abbott is the perfect candidate to champion labour 'core values' - "A future rich for us" Abbott couldn't of done hypocrisy any better if she tried. Having slammed Tony Blair for sending his children to a selective school, she went one bette...Read full story
Joran van der Sloot - "This Is So Unfair"
Incarcerated sociopathic international playboy Joran van der Sloot has apparently complained to his Peruvian jailers that threats against his personal safety made by fellow prisoners are just so unfair. Van der Sloot, arrested after a Lima hotel r...Read full story
Hundreds of Third World Vampires Anaemic: UN Report
One month away from the debut of the predicted super-hit Eclipse a UN report presents a dismal state of affairs for a significant majority of the world's vampires. Most vampires in the third world do not have access to basic necessities like fresh h...Read full story
Yellowstone Supervolcano to blow imminently
Scientists have gained a shocking new insight into the Caldera supervolcano which rumbles beneath Yellowstone national park. They say it could blow in less than 15 years. If so, it means the USA's widely condemned decision to shun ratification of...Read full story
Oxford Street Shopper Siege
Six people were arrested, another was taken to hospital and one of London's busiest shopping areas was closed after a mass water fight broke out. The Oxford Street attack began on Friday at 1pm and continued for several hours when hundreds of peop...Read full story
Fox calls for a cull of Boris Johnsons
After the Mayor of London Boris Johnson asked local councils to focus their attention on destroying foxes in the aftermath of the North London twin babies attack, a fox from South London has hit back demanding a cull of Boris Johnsons. The fox, wh...Read full story
Career change for former PM
London, England. Former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has secretly joined the ranks of Al Quaeda and committed himself to terrorist activity against the state. Brown, deeply embittered following the general election loss on May 6, will resign his sea...Read full story
Wayne Williams 'seeks Barack Obama plea bargain'
Atlanta, Georgia - (DNA Mess): Lawyers acting for convicted Atlanta Child Murders killer Wayne Williams are poised for a dramatic plea bargain statement 'naming the real Barack Obama as one of Williams' victims. The former aspiring radio DJ was co...Read full story
Obama, Vowing to Kick Ass, Nationalizes The Bankrupt Texas Rangers With Help from Goldman Sachs!
President Obama, batting O for Forever on the Political Scene, was moved to step into bankruptcy proceedings for the Texas Rangers, mired in bad debt caused by imprudent borrowing to sign disappointing players saying "The time to kick some ass is no...Read full story
The Waiting Game
Waiting, is it worth the wait? Seaton Carew, a man who lives locally, has appeared in the news several times after being forced to wait. He now is enduring the possibly second longest wait of his exsistence, the first longest wait may become apparent when the current wait has finished. Due to circumstances now beyond his control, but initially within his control before he lost control, Ca...Read full story
Google Backgrounds: Much fun to be had at Google's expense
The clean simplicity of Google's search page has been one of its key themes for years. Fast to load and generally consistent in layout, it's become a welcome sight amongst the complexities of the Web. "You are here to search", it states, "and we wi...Read full story
After 17 Months Washington Finally Gets a Winner as Rookie Strikes out 14 In Debut!
Washington finally signed a rookie who lived up to all the hype and didn't disappoint, preferring to let his performance speak for itself as rookie pitcher Stephen Strasburg took the mound for the Nationals and wowed the hometown crowd. Working of...Read full story
Prince's Foundation for Integrated Quackery ex-CEO busted for fraud
London - (Sticky Business): It started as a nasty deep throat infection that's now spread to the entire abominal - er, abdominal! - area. And this week it's laid low Prince Charles just as his wacky Foundation for Integrated Quackery ex-CEO George...Read full story
Wayne Rooney to Quit Football
Sensational as it may seem, Phoenix Joe can exclusively report that Wayne Rooney (a footballer player) has announced his intentions to quit the erm, beautiful game and pursue an academic career after the World Cup. "Well, like I'm just erm ****in...Read full story
Britain Has Talent Winners Faked It
Gymnastic Dance Troupe "Spellbinder" is in disgrace today after it was revealed they faked their winning performance. It has been known for years that many pop idols do not perform live on stage, but mime along to flawless backing tapes. However,...Read full story
Final Big Brother - Highlights from Ten Years
Here we are as the final Big Brother is about to get underway. Ten years (is it only ten?) have passed since the UK's contribution to world cultural development crawled out from under a broadcasting stone. Here Phoenix Joe presents the highligh...Read full story
Eastenders cast voted "least attractive"
What kind of people follow soap opera plots? Do they eat properly? Are they nice to their families? Do they have the same friends a month later? Are they safe to drive a car? We may never know the answers to these questions because 15 million people...Read full story
Oh dear, it's another 'public consultation'
Politicials love 'public consultations' because they seem so democratic and open. "You tell us what you want and we'll do it" Right? No actually it's "You tell us what you want and then we'll ignore you and do what we want." a la Heathrow's 3rd ru...Read full story
BA & BP Merger
An astounding merger, that will rock the City, has been made between British Airways & British Petroleum. A joint statement today from the two Chief Executives of these famous Companies declares: 'We are proud to link our two Companies. We sha...Read full story
Potty mouthed psychopath upholds national stereotype
The air was turned blue in England's final warm up game in South Africa after Wayne Rooney was booked for abusive language towards the referee. Rooney, the potato headed mentalist, turned on referee Jeff Selogilwe during England's unconvincing 3-0...Read full story
Branson offers free flights into Space
Richard Branson has launched an amazing scheme which will revolutionise air travel - and it is absolutely FREE. Yes, folks. It's absolutely free. You hear these hardened cynics saying 'What's the catch?' or 'Too good to be true'. But there is no c...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan, America's Red-Headed F-ckup, Fu-cks Up Again.
Every 4 year old goes through the same thing: Parent: "Don't touch the stove. It is hot and you'll burn yourself." Child: (Touches stove, burns self.) PArent: "Didn't I tell you it is hot and you'll burn yourself?" Child: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! You'd think Lindsay Lohan would have more sense than a 4 year old. Nope. Let's look at it, piece by piece. So, remember when dumbass was s...Read full story
Chris Brown UK Tour Dates
US singer Chris Brown has been forced to make changes to his UK tour after experiencing 'complications' with obtaining a visa to enter the country . Indeed, he was told to "fuck off". Brown was refused permission on the grounds of being guilty...Read full story
Jade Goody Evicted From Tomb
There was drama in Essex this morning when a visitor to the tomb of the late, great former reality TV star Jade Goody found that the her grave was open and her body no longer inside her coffin. Twelve fans of Jade, who have become known as her dis...Read full story
Los Angeles Mayor Fears That If The Lakers Win The NBA Title The Fans Will Burn Down The City
LOS ANGELES - The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa has expressed concern about the Los Angeles Lakers defeating the Boston Celtics and becoming the NBA world champions. Villaraigosa has pointed out that every time the Lakers have won the...Read full story
City to Excavate Mountain of Cigarette Ash Behind Satirist's Desk
SAN FRANCISCO, California - Construction crews boarded up a San Francisco hotel then filled it with rubble and debris after a diligent housekeeper discovered a mountain of cigarette ash behind a satirist's desk on the fifth floor. She called the H...Read full story
The Ethiopian Football Team Drops Out of The World Cup Finals
CAPE TOWN, South Africa - The FIFA Executive Committee has just been informed that the team from Ethiopia will not be competing in the World Cup finals. The Ethiopian coach Naboombali Yakachumpa told reporters covering the Ethiopian team that due...Read full story
London, Birmingham and Manchester Are Two Cities - BBC
According to the latest BBC report, London, Birmingham and Manchester constitute 'two cities', not, as is commonly thought, three. The news came during an article on the BBC's website about the US singer Chris Brown, who had been refused a visa to...Read full story
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Has Just Issued A Governor's Proclamation Allowing Her To Change The Name of The State
PHOENIX - Governor Jan Brewer caving in to even more pressure from members of The Tea Bag Association's, Folks For Doing The Right Thing Coalition Subcommittee, The People Who Know It All Alliance, and Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio has issued a Governor...Read full story
Profits from 'Genuine Replica' Football Shirts Used to Finance Illegal Wars
Exhaustive enquiries by your Truth Hound, Phoenix Joe reveal the shocking truth that the profits from 'Genuine Replica' (whatever that may mean) football shirts end up financing illegal wars in far flung countries like Afghanistan and Iraq. The...Read full story
Twitter Birds Chased by a Fox, Tweets Delayed
Users of Twitter, the social networking service, were disappointed to see a service delay recently. Many panicked. They needed to send and receive their messages (tweets)! Up to this point, the true cause of the problem remained a mystery. Bu...Read full story
A Second Gulf of Mexico Oil Leak Has Now Been Found
BOURBON BAYOU, Louisiana - Well it appears that now we have a second oil spill spewing forth in the Gulf of Mexico waters off the coast of Louisiana. Joining the BP's Deepwater Horizon well is Diamond Offshore drilling rig Ocean Saratoga. This oil...Read full story
Liverpool New Manager Revealed
Liverpool have this morning unveiled their choice as new manager, and it will come as a complete shock to everyone to discover the name of the new Anfield boss - Reg Crabtree. Passing over the likes of Jose Mourinho, Martin O'Neill, Sven Goran Eri...Read full story
Scientists Debunk "Loaves and Fishes" Story
Leonard Nimrod, working under grants from the University of California - Davis, released findings of what is presumed to be a 1,183 lbs. fish in the Red Sea, the site of the famous "Loaves and Fishes" story canonized in the Bible. "A fish that bi...Read full story
Gary Coleman's 1999 Will Filed in Utah Court: Ex-wife Tries to Sell It.
Gary Coleman 's 1999 will names a friend and, apparently, the world's worst manager Dion Mial as executor of the late child star 's estate and specifies that he wanted to be cremated, according to documents filed Tuesday in state court in Utah. Co...Read full story
BP Awarded UK Oil Slick Contract
Phoenix Joe has just been informed that BP has been awarded a lucrative contact by the UK coalition government following their "impressive efforts" to contain the small leak (caused by faulty American equipment and faulty American workers) in the Gul...Read full story
Obama Has New Pet
At a packed White House press conference today, Barack Obama showed off his new pet elephant. The 48-year-old President met the 14-foot animal named John last month on an African safari, and the two are now inseparable. The friendship, however,...Read full story
Man Hospitalized with PMS
Hollywood CA: Emergency Medical Technicians (EMT) responded to a 911 call about a man found laying unconscious at the corner of Hollywood Boulevard and Vine Street. He was transported, via ambulance to nearby Hollywood General Hospital. Hospital...Read full story
Someone Finally Marries Alanis Morissette
One trick pony old maid Alanis Morissette married her boyfriend of, like, 25 minutes, Mario Treadway, who goes by the name Souleye, at a small ceremony at their home in L.A. last month, reports People. We are reminded when A-list-for-a-short time...Read full story
World Cup Latest: Al-Qaeda Target England v. USA Match For Maximum Impact
Security patrols in South Africa are on high alert today after UK intelligence sources claimed they had uncovered details of an al-Qaeda plot to wreak havoc and destruction at this summer's World Cup which starts on Friday. The information relates...Read full story
Immigrants to England must now take English Language tet
At last the Government have come out with yet another stupid scam to curb the number of immigrants entering Britain. Now immigrants will have to take - and pass - an English literacy test. This seems to this writer to be cruel and unusual punish...Read full story
Senator Byrd of West Virginia Can't Shit!
"No, that's not it", stated West Virgina's Robert Byrd. "That's not what I meant when I said...I forgot, read it back to me." "Sir, you stated that 'It's been stalled in committee!'. Which bill were you referring to?" "Bill, my ass! I'm trying...Read full story