Sensational as it may seem, Phoenix Joe can exclusively report that Wayne Rooney (a footballer player) has announced his intentions to quit the erm, beautiful game and pursue an academic career after the World Cup.
"Well, like I'm just erm ****ing pissed off like, with everyone think that I'm just some sort of like retard." A clearly emotional Rooney continued "erm like erm, like, erm, erm, erm, erm, like, init like erm …." (at this point a red nosed Scotsman dug his elbow into Rooney's ribs and hissed 'you want people to know that there is more to Wayne Rooney than simply kicking a ball, swearing at match referees and spitting') "erm right… you want people to .. Sorry! [i]I want people to know that there is more to Wayne Rooney than kicking referees, spitting balls and swearing, like."
The red nosed Scot then handed Rooney a thick wad of fifty pound notes and urged him to continue. "erm, all them *unts that think all I do is swear - they can all *uck off. I bin talking to one of them big teachers, like erm at Oxbridge Big erm, school….. an I told him like I wanted to be like Dr Rooney… Like he asked me what erm, I could do …….. or what area of research …………….. I might want to do my ………….. doctoral thesis in?" (the red nosed Scott appeared to whisper the last sentence into Rooney's ear).
"So like I told him like, erm I could kick balls, swear at referees and spit." Rooney's face lit up as he was passed yet another wad of notes. The red nosed Scott explained "the wee laddie earns so much, we have to pay him cash every five minutes - the banks cannee transfer that much money in a single day!
Wayne continued… "erm if I can't go to Oxbridge school - I'm going to *uck off to Thailand… the academic team at Saim Language & Commuter School said I could have a job writing books for them.
We contacted Oxbridge University for a comment. Professor Geoffrey Boffin said "He's a *unt!
So there it is the end of another football player's career.
