Tiger Wood Cured Of Sex Addiction, Plays 72 Holes in One Day!
"It's true", stated a very happy Tiger Woods. "I am no longer addicted to sex and I'm glad", as he hit a 35-foot putt from off the green. Look out PGA linksters, the Tiger is back and his mind is on the game as never before. So what worked...th...Read full story
Susan Boyle Sues, Sued Over Nude Pics On Internet!
Singing sensation Susan Boyle has sued the PixSans.Organ website for featuring photographs of her in the nude. "Susan told me that she had never been so embarrassed in all her life", stated friend, Bessie McBeth. "She told me that they made a fool...Read full story
Thought For The Day With Larry Grayson
Hello everybody. D'you know, I was lying in my hammock this morning. (I sleep in a hammock you know. I always wanted to be a sailor. The closest I got to being at sea was when I was in a revue called "Jolly Jack Tars Ahoy!" at Weston-Super-Mare. It was mostly a male cast. There was only one woman, playing Betty, the Stoker, and I had my doubts about her. Yes, the cast was mostly male. We did have...Read full story
Kenyan President Denies Being American Citizen
Emilio Mwai Kabaki, the current President of Kenya, today denied having been born in the United States. The dispute regarding his eligibility to hold this African country's highest office mirrors that which President Obama faces in the USA. Kaba...Read full story
US charge 6 in Iran Satellite debacle
The US have charged 6 people of violating at trade embargo put in place in 1995, by providing Iran with technology and parts which enabled them to successfully lunch a satellite with an on board camera. Assistant Secretary for US Immigration and C...Read full story
Amanda Knox to Joran van der Sloot: "Sorry, Dude, You're F***d!"
Convicted Sex Slasher Amanda Knox doing soft time in Italy under the watchful eye of her mentor Silvio Berlusconi, sent a twitter of condolence to Serial Sociopath Joran van der Sloot upon hearing he had confessed to another murder and might be jaile...Read full story
Paul McCartney Comment Prompts Look inside George W. Bush's Library
Aside from a few die-hard Republicans who can't bring themselves to believe that George W. Bush is not the sharpest tool in the shed, most people thought Paul McCartney's joke regarding George Bush not knowing what a library is was pretty funny and s...Read full story
BP strike deal with Turks to solve oil crisis
BP has proudly announced that it has struck a deal with the Turkish Kebab Makers Guild that will solve the oil crisis in the Gulf. Tony Hayward of BP said that intense negotiations had taken place over the previous week, which ha resulted in a win...Read full story
Lady Gaga Bra Injures Dancers in Rehearsals
Little did Lady Gaga realize that the special rifle bra that was created for her "Alejandro" video actually was made from real rifles strapped to the front of the bra in such a way that when she danced, the rifles would sway from side to side. Unf...Read full story
Baseball Umpire Jim Joyce Blows Another One
Major League Umpire Jim Joyce was involved in yet another controversy yesterday when he told police that some short kid and his bigger brother started a fight near the older kid's school and both were taken in by police and suspended from school for...Read full story
Yorkshire Ripper's birth mother returns to haunt Downing Street
London - (Morons): Mrs Thatcher reared her ugly mug once again in Downing Street this afternoon. An invitation from daughter Cherie's daftass stepson David Cameron saw here feted way beyond her actual payscale. The widow of KGB bankrupt Robert...Read full story
One legged chicken costs her owner £1800!
A chicken owner in Wales has paid £1800,00 to keep it alive and strutting on one leg. The UK is renowned for having its fair share of eccentrics, but his one takes the egg! After the chicken got caught up in a chicken wire it was either Sunday...Read full story
Obama Ready to Open Big Can of Whup Ass
New York, NY - Talking like he was getting ready for the biggest basketball game of his life, President Barack Obama made it perfectly clear Tuesday morning on the Today Show that he is contemplating opening that big can of whup ass he has stored in...Read full story
Emmerdale To Go Back to Being Called Emmerdale Farm
Beloved television soap Emmerdale has been leaking ratings like a man with a pissing problem. Producers of the show have decided that enough is enough, the show must return to its original title - EMMERDALE FARM. Sex will no longer happen in th...Read full story
English Taxi Driver Murders Prove That Atrocities Don't Just Happen In Iraq
The 12 people that died in what has been described as 'a murder rampage' in the English town of Whitehaven when a taxi driver fundamentalist randomly shot dead members of the public before blowing himself up, proves that this kind of atrocity doesn't...Read full story
Crossbow Cannibal Claims He Killed Cumbrian Loony Derrick Bird
'Crossbow Cannibal' Stephen Griffiths is so pissed off with the attention-grabbing Cumbrian massacre that he now claims that he in fact killed Derrick Bird and that Bird did not commit suicide. Griffiths, 40, a gay-looking man with a fetish for Ab...Read full story
Israel Had Cumbria Shooter Derrick Bird on Assassination Hit list
Cumbrian shooter Derrick Bird was on an Israeli assassination hit list, according to a man out walking his dog. When threatened with a large plywood board, the man told us that he heard from his old friend 'Shifty Sam' down at the 'Ol Nags Head Pu...Read full story
A Triology: Madness Part II, The Present starring???
The batteries have been recharged with sulphuric acid caught high in the atmosphere above Iceland and Luton Airport, let the journey commence or stand still, it matters not: Part II, The Present It would be futile to mention the most obvious examples of present madness, Bush, Thatcher, Reagan, Blair, etc, but you did? Which proves the fact that Professor Loonybin Jaggedbananas-Fyffes knows w...Read full story
Saint Peter: "Gates Closed No Vacancy"
Just past midnight on Tuesday, May 7, TV Stations, newspapers, and anyone with an email address received a message that purported to be from Saint Peter. As newsmen tried to disprove the authenticity of the message, there seemed to be no other answer...Read full story
DOOMED! NASA Excited
After news that the Russian lead "Mars 500" experiment successfully began this week, NASA has announced its intentions to follow suit with a similar experiment of their own. The Mars 500 experiment consists of six people-locked in a windowless cap...Read full story
Darling, SuBo, Eyebrow, KO
It's official, the fight we've all been waiting for is finally gonna happen! Alistair Darling's eyebrows will take on SuBo's in what is being hyped as the biggest fight of the century. The bout was arranged following their war of words which begu...Read full story
US Declare War On The Sea
The US has put its armed forces on standby today following rumours that there may be an impending war with the sea. Robert Gibbs, press secretary for the Whitehouse said, "we have reason to believe that the sea may have weapons of mass destruction...Read full story
Obama Looking For An Ass To Kick
President Obama, apparently through with his acting classes, is finally becoming enraged over the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. "I was down there looking grim right in their faces over a month ago!", screamed the president at the top of his lun...Read full story
'Our Balls Are Ok' Says FIFA
As the World Cup draws ever closer, players and staff alike have been complaining about FIFA's new balls. England keeper David James complained; "FIFA's balls are completely out of control; they bounce everywhere and are very slippery when wet". H...Read full story
BP: Oil spill now contained entirely within the Gulf of Mexico
Oil company BP recently announced that the massive oil spill was now contained in a patch of ocean no more than 300,000 square miles in size. "We feel this is a major containment" said a spokesperson for the oil giant "and want to assure gulf residen...Read full story
Alanis Morissette marries a crapper
Canadian songstress Alanis Morissette today announced she will be marrying her crapper. The crapper, or toilet as its known in English, has been the best friend of the singer for a few years now since Morissette first discovered the joys of spending...Read full story
Obama to Layeth the Smacketh Down!
Implausibly named President Barack Hussein Obama, citing safety f-ckups that triggered the country's worst environmental disaster, said he is looking for "whose ass to kick" in response to the BP spill. Obama said there may have been "some corner...Read full story
Rooney Targeted By The US
With England's World Cup opener less than a week away, it has been leaked that the USA will be using "mind game" tactics in the match to help give them the edge and possibly cause an upset. Former USA defender Alexi Lalas spoke about the tactics,...Read full story
The Real Reason White House Press Correspondent Helen Thomas Was Forced To Resign
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senior White House press correspondent Helen Thomas has been forced to resign a position she has held going all the way back to the Abraham Lincoln administration. Helen, who was given the nickname "The Jack-O-Lantern" by Presid...Read full story
Pleasure does not make you beautiful
Cosmetics companies are to be banned from 'making up' funky sounding ingredients by regulators who are calling global pharmaceutical companies "One step away from Victorian 'quackery'". "We've had enough of companies dreaming up 'newly discovered'...Read full story
Australia spell Obamama's (oops sorry) name wrong so he stamped his feet and cancelled his kangaroo safari!
Australia, well known for their cock-ups, kangaroo's (is that spelled correctly?) and barbi's have really acted like a bunch of outback morons with corks swinging on their hats this time. President Obamama (?) was due to visit the world's biggest...Read full story
Danny In Dyer Film
Danny Dyer's latest film "Pimp" bombed at the cinema on it's opening weekend, where just 24 seats were sold, making a pittance of £205. The docu-film style gritty story is set in Soho and is said to be an insight into the street lives of prostitutes...Read full story
Nudie Vanessa Hudgens Film, "Beastly" Postponed
CBS Films, having released only two films that did not do very well, will only release one more this year so that will delay "Beastly" until 2011. The romantic fantasy will be replaced by a similar-themed "Charlie St. Cloud" with Zac Efron on July...Read full story
Scotland don't qualify, but still sing
Although Scotland haven't qualified for the World Cup that hasn't stopped comedy group, The Sweaty Jocks, recording their own World Cup song. The Sweaty Jocks spokesperson said "although we might be too rubbish to get to the finals, we are exper...Read full story
Secret Finally Revealed: How Crocodiles Cross The Ocean
How did the world's largest living reptile, the saltwater crocodile, reach so many South Pacific islands separated by huge stretches of water despite being a poor swimmer? Apparently, the same way a surfer catching a wave, these ancient big reptil...Read full story
Israel's New Secret Weapon in Gaza Blockade
Just one week after its attack on the Gaza flotilla Israel unleashed a controversial new weapon to stop more ships challenging its blockade - Old Spice cologne. Just before 01:00 GMT an Israeli chinook sprayed 40 litres of the stuff over the passa...Read full story
Osama Bin Laden arrested?
New York City, USA. In momentous news, elusive terrorist gang leader, Osama Bin Laden, has been arrested right in the middle of the Big Apple itself. Authorities received a tip off from a McDonald's Restaurant employee that Bin Laden was in the pr...Read full story
Greece to Buy BP Oil
Greece has today agreed to buy 3/4 of the BP oil slick in a move which will ease the pressure on Louisiana. Greek PM Kostos Toomuchis explained the decision: "Petrol prices have risen so fast that some of our rioters are paying up to 1.6 Euros...Read full story
Draft Banking Reform given Green Light
Vince Cable, the coalition government's business secretary, formally outlines his banking reform proposals today. It comes only a day before Prime Minister's questions, when he releases the draft in full and puts the bill before the house. An ano...Read full story
Michelle Complains Oil Pressure Mounting for Barry But He Refuses to Let Her Check his Dipstick for Past 46 Days!
As the pressure mounts on the Regime for it's tepid response to the BP Gulf Oil Spill, marital pressure seems to be mounting as well as insiders reveal Michelle is complaining that Barry 'doesn't seem to have any interest in plugging my hole.' Mic...Read full story
Asia tunnel to South America
A vertical shalf of 8,000 miles is to be built connecting the twin cities of Ascension in Paraguay and Taipai in Taiwan - which also happen to be antipodes. "There are no 2 points on earth further apart than our cities. Paying a visit to our frien...Read full story
Milley Cyrus Happy, But Gay?
What does Miley Cyrus really want? That's a question her boyfriend no doubt is asking. As if pole dancing in New Zealand with a Gay man wasn't enough Miley she was seen pashing another woman, an eye opening experience for many a Hetrosexual man an...Read full story
Hospital care will continue when you get home
It has been announced that 'hosptial care will continue when you get home'. Details were not published along with this vague headline. Reporter, Lady G., decided to do some snooping behind this controversial headline and this is what she discovered: 1) Hospital care WILL continue - i.e. Nurses and Doctors who 'cared' for you will continue to think about you from time to time, when they...Read full story
Sugar tells 6 million - "You're fired!"
David Cameron is to kick off his savage round of spending cuts with the wholesale removal of public sector unions. "Unions were created to understandably stop people being buried in coal mines or dismembered by machinery - I hardly think this appl...Read full story
Fox terrorism strikes hard
A group of radical, extremist foxes is on the prowl. Tired of seeing their brothers and sisters torn to pieces in the name of sport, they are hitting back to the relief of the media on a bad news day. Two groups of militant foxes are known. The mo...Read full story
The Canadian Method
An extreme form of sado-masochistic sex known as "The Canadian Method" is being advocated by the Government. Not even Alex Comfort's trilogy 'The Joy of Sex','More Joy of Sex'or the little known 'Bored with Sex'covered this sometimes dangerous sexual...Read full story
Plan to Test Drive an iPad? Fasten Your Seatbelt!
Folks who came to two Apple stores in New York City to find out what was on the iPad got their answer this week. Reps from a local newspaper had swabbed some demo iPads (a total of four, two from each of two NYC stores), then sent the swabs to...Read full story
108 Year Old Confirms Age Of 157 Year Old - Strewth!
Strewth, I find it hard to imagine what any living thing would look like at 100, but 157 years old? George Burns was sprightly at 99 but they say a woman in Indonesia aged 157 is still working, walking and smokin'! In fact the woman still has a...Read full story
Walking Mummy Helen Thomas: Israelis Get "Out Of Palenstine!"
Racist shriveled prune Helen Thomas, the mouthy White House correspondent who asked annoyingly hardball questions of Presidents from Taft through Obama from her coveted seat in the front row of the press room lost her seat Monday in a snafu over call...Read full story
Kanye West 'Made From Turd'
There was consternation in the showbusiness world yesterday when it was discovered that the rapper Kanye West was made from turd. West was working on an appearance he has agreed to do for Fox in their animated TV series, The Cleveland Show. One of...Read full story
Sandra Bullock and George Lopez To Star In "The Motorcycle Punk & His Ugly-As-Hell Tattooed Cycle Chicks"
AUSTIN - Sandra Bullock has just announced from her beautiful central Texas mansion Casa La Muchacha that she has just signed to appear in a movie with her BFF comedian George Lopez. The name of the movie is The Motorcycle Punk & His Ugly-As-H...Read full story
Jesse James Says Sandra Bullock Kissing Scarlett Johansson On The Mouth Proves She's A Lesbianite
LONG BEACH, California - Jesse James was sitting in his office watching the MTV Movie Awards Show with Skittles Valentine, one of his tattooed cycle chicks. Suddenly he saw his wife Sandra go up on stage to receive an award for Maintaining Proper...Read full story
Susan Boyle Voted Best-Looking Woman In West Lothian
Susan Boyle, the talented Scottish singer, has been voted the 'best-looking woman in West Lothian' in a local 'beauty pageant'. Which doesn't say much for the rest of the county. Boyle, a right dog, er, underdog, when she entered the Britain's...Read full story
The Kayne West Car Crash In Hawaii
After a fruitless search for the owner of a totaled Porsche Panamera in Hawaii, police there have now discovered that the owner is the singer, Kayne West. "It was found in a parking garage where someone had failed to make a turn and smashed it up...Read full story
Laird Hamilton - destroying New York "worth the buzz"
Surfers are to cause a deliberate landslide in the hope of catching the first 100ft wave. The west corner of Tenerife is known to be geologically unstable after millennia of volcanic activity and that explosives set off in the right locations coul...Read full story
Cher Collapses After Ass Falls Off In Las Vegas
64-Year old singer, Cher, collapsed on stage in Las Vegas Saturday night just as she began her show. As audience members gasped, a couple of stange hands hauled her off stage while another picked up the piece of ass. "They were pretty rough handl...Read full story