Ahmadinejad Calls On Allah To Have Dyspeptic Camel Befoul White House Victory Garden
Totally pissed about the new economic sanctions placed on Iran, today Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called on Allah to issue the ultimate curse of having a dyspeptic camel befoul Michelle Obama's White House Victory Garden. Stating that nothing is more foul...Read full story
Bikini Bottom Shocker: Patrick Star Jailed After Crash
Patrick Star, the oft-times intellectually challenged but loveable co-star of Nickelodeon's reality show Spongebob Squarepants, has committed himself to rehab after an early morning boating accident which left a teenage co-star critically injured.Read full story
Illegal Aliens Disguised As Nuns Enter Arizona With No Problem
PHOENIX, Arizona - Governor Jan "The Man" Brewer told the main stream media that since she enacted her tough immigration bill the influx of illegal aliens entering her state from the Republic of Mexico has gone from 47,000 a month all the way down to zero. The governor sat relaxing with her bare feet propped up on an indoor-outdoor futon on the front porch of her $7.3 million dollar governor's...Read full story
BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward suggests Koman Coulibaly for a Knighthood
The board of BP, the beleaguered ex-british petroleum company has suggested World Cup referee Koman Coulibaly as a potential Knighthood recipient. It followed Tony Hayward's grilling by the US House Energy and Commerce Committee, and came shortly af...Read full story
Murdoch buys the BBC
All night sittings in the House of Commons enabled the Government to pass emergency legislation allowing media tycoon Rupert Murdoch to buy the BBC. The legislation provided for the privatisation of the BBC and thus opened it up for sale to the hi...Read full story
Fabio Capello should be sacked
Emergency talks are being arranged to discuss the wisdom of continually hiring managers from overseas. The quality of players is not in question. Wayne Rooney is undoubtedly world class with a value of at least £50m - which would be higher if he w...Read full story
Warren Beatty's Daughter Kathlyn To Become Stephen After Sex Change Operation
VENICE BEACH, California - Warren Beatty and his wife Annette Bening were having a nice day out at the beach when they were approached by a local reporter. He asked the celebrity couple if they were okay with their daughter Kathlyn having sexual r...Read full story
Justin Bieber Joins Monday Night Fundraiser For Gulf Victims
It was announced today that teen star Justin Bieber will join a huge list of performers that has been organized by Larry King to be aired Monday night. It will be a fundraiser for those that are victims of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. "You...Read full story
Janine Lindemulder: "I'll pee in a cup to prove I'm not on drugs." Cup: "I hallucinated for 16 hours afterward."
Janine Lindemulder, the 42 year old who used to be paid to be filmed having sex, is madder than an Oscar winner with an unfaithful husband, and has come out swinging against Babydaddy Jesse James, allegedly because he has the good sense NOT to hand o...Read full story
Tourettes Monthly Gazette you Wa*@kers
This month, I visited the South London branch of Tourettes for f@ckin justice. I spoke to Adam Merdishit about his imprisonment (twat) "I was only nicked for SHOUTING!!!!! at a police officer...CCCUUU*****NNNTTTT!!! And they had me up in court! "I'm standing in the F@CKIINGGG!! dock and the Judge says have you anything to say....So I says, FU*K ALL YOUR HONOUR! "And he says to my bri...Read full story
Apple CEO Steve Jobs: Apple Technology Will Cure Gulf Oil Disaster!
Steve Jobs, the robo-Prime Minister of the Apple juggernaut, plans to write history while rewriting some dubious parts of its own history, by stating that it will use former technologies once deemed to be commercial failures to cap the oil puker in t...Read full story
Apple iPhone to be renamed "ROKR 2"
Apple, Inc. stunned the world today by announcing that it will retire the name iPhone, and the product will hereafter be called the "ROKR 2" Geeky first-adopters will recall that Apple foisted the ultra-crappy Motorola ROKR phone on an unsuspectin...Read full story
L.A. Lakers Win! Thousands of L.A. "Losers" Arrested!
LOS ANGELES - The mayor of the nation's second largest city, Los Angeles had his worst fears realized. Just as he had stated earlier in the week, Mayor Antonio "El Homey Boy Tony" Villaraigosa was afraid that if the Lakers won the NBA title the f...Read full story
Spoofer Skoob changes forum avatar!
In a move that registered 4.2 on the Richter Scale, longtime spoofer Skoob1999 has, without warning and for no reason apparent to anyone observing, changed the avatar he uses on the Discussion Forum at TheSpoof.com. Instead of a cartoon man hunche...Read full story
U.S. Treasury to Issue "Two-Fers"
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an effort to bolster the economy, the Treasury Department authorized the nation's banks to issue "two-fers." Beginning Monday, all account withdrawals will in effect be doubled, or "double-downed," as Treasury Secretary Ben Bern...Read full story
Nude Panties Keep Hollywood Paparazzi Guessing
In the midst of the latest controversy about whether or not a certain daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus was caught on film without her briefs, one Paris lingerie designer is taking credit for the ruse, claiming that many of his flesh tone "Nude" panties ar...Read full story
Wreckage of Russian coke sub spotted near Deepwater Horizon rig remains
Gulf of Mexico - (Crude Mess): Footage from a NASA surveillance satellites shows the remains of a Russian 636M (Varshavyanka) class submarine located close to the seabed burial site of the Deepwater Horizon rig. The Red October - NATO reporting na...Read full story
Hayward Water boarded by US Congress Cheney Says "Torture!"
"This is torture," cried out Dick Cheney on Fox News last night. "I never thought I would see the day when Americans would torture another human being. I am shocked, shocked, shocked!" In a separate press release issued late last night, Liz Cheney st...Read full story
Greens for James
England goalkeeper Sid James is joining the Green Party. 'I am impressed by them' Sid explained 'they have given me a new lease of life.' But Robert Green, England's former goalkeeper - who committed treason in the match against the United States...Read full story
Barney Frank: Illegals in Massachusetts Don't Need License, But Must Take Driving Test!
After years of looking the other way, Democrat Barney Frank came out today in favor of testing illegal drivers after being rear ended by an uninsured and undocumented driver. Massachusetts is said to be home to about 200,000 illegal aliens, check...Read full story
Mystery surrounds a consignment of 25 Jabulani footballs delivered to Wembley stadium
England training Camp, South Africa: Embedded into the England team during the World Cup, our on the spot reporter, has been able to gain access to the latest Fabio Capello hard hitting Tommy Cooper jokes! On the training pitch has told the playe...Read full story
Homeland Security to Nation: Anybody Seen Our Missing Afghans...the Ones with Guns?
Homeland Security Chief Janet Napilatano dropped a bombshell on Americans today when she let it slip she had just noticed that 17 Afghans in the US for weapons training, and issued Security Passes, seem to have gone missing. But only in the last two...Read full story
Derek Acorah to appear on Celebrity Come Dine With Me
World famous psychic medium and Cordon Bleu chef, Derek Acorah, is to appear on the next episode of Celebrity Come Dine With Me in the autumn. This being Derek Acorah though, you can expect the unexpected, with Acorah's fellow celebrities to be Al...Read full story
Kardashian Bieber Hotel Tape Download
Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian have hit the headlines once more with what appeared at first sight to be yet another hoax. However, we can reveal that in fact this time there is truth in the rumour. Yes, there is a recording. Yes, Kardashian an...Read full story
Wembley Pitch Transformed Into Traveler Subsivision: Gets Own Zip Code
A routine check by a security guard at Wembley Park revealed the startling fact that over the weekend, with people's attention diverted to the world cup, a traveling band of gypsies had taken over the pitch and set up residency. The pitch, encomp...Read full story
Post-War Plans See Afghanistan as 51st State
WASHINGTON, DC - In an interview with Larry King on CNN, White House Adviser Rahm Immanuel hinted that Afghanistan would become the fifty-first state soon after the country is democratized. "It will be a mutually beneficial relationship," Immanuel sa...Read full story
Eminem Stands Up For The Pink Coloured Kind
Eminem has spoken! Seen as always a little on the homophobic side of life, Eminem has recently spoken out in favour of the Oink kind, not chocolate by gays and marriage. The all over ya' face rapper has been known to throw a frew anti-gay lyrics i...Read full story
Wife Beater Vest Sales up 10,000% Ahead of UK Budget
Anticipation and speculation surrounding June 22nd's Budget from George Osbourne, has sparked a rise in sales in the classic 'couch wear' garment, the Wife Beater Vest. A poll by Mori has revealed that an unprecedented number of working men aged...Read full story
SuBo in Mars concert tour!
Susan Boyle is to perform a series of concerts on Mars later this year, according to reports in the popular press. However, it was later revealed that this is, in fact, a hoax. "We had this email from some geezer called Mr. B.S. Artist," said Mr.Read full story
Chief Executive Hayward denounced
The American Congress has been cross examaning the boss of Union Carbide (formerly known as United States Carbide), Chuck Hayward about the appalling accident in Bhophal, India, where thousands of people have been poisoned. Years after the accident children are being born with defects due to the accident. 'This is an attack against America' declared President Obama 'we demand a compensation pac...Read full story
French team insult in Mexican restaurant
France's dismal World Cup Campaign took a turn for the worst last night when it emerged there after game dinner was arranged for a Mexican Restaurant. The embarrassing 2-0 defeat last night to Mexico was only the start of a disastrous day for the Fr...Read full story
Miley Cyrus' Unmentionables Fail To Provoke Discussion While Sphincter Rubs Up a Tallboy
"It is a rare pleasure, Mr Farquhar, to explore these subjects in a civilised manner. I always look forward to our discussions with a keen appetite. In these vulgarised times, a person is often embarrassed by the rigours of impolite company." "Indeed, Miss Quivering, I fear that what my friend Juxtable calls 'the New Barbarism' all but overwhelms those of us who would preserve our little oasis...Read full story
MPs get political jargon 'swear box'
MPs are to be given the political equivalent of a 'swear box' to deter them from using tiresome political words and phrases. On the list so far are - 'clearly', 'y'know', 'opportunity', 'fairness', 'change', 'need' and starting a sentence with the pr...Read full story
Ireland does a Mexican wave as Mexico beat France
Scenes of joy and ecstasy were seen in the streets and villages across Ireland on Thursday as Mexico beat France 2-0. New Manchester United striker, Javier Hernandez started the party with, as one drunken Irish reveller described, "The best goal I...Read full story
Election Candidates Appraised
The political parties standing in Upper Crustville has finished evaluating their prospective candidates to represent them at the next elections. Each candidate being asked the same question: "Why do you want to become MP for Upper Crustville?" Here are the results. Prospective Conservative Candidate: D'Artagnan Quillon Griffon Rothchild. "Mummy and Dadders said it would be something fo...Read full story
Cosmetology School To Close Doors to Left-handers
BECKLEY, WV(TS) - The incoming class at Le Raven's Beauty Institute will look much different this fall. The school's board of directors voted last week to ban left-handed students from enrolling. The move was made after protests from instructors th...Read full story
New Job Centre Disclaimer Announced
The third Secretary to the second Secretary to the permanent Under Secretary, of the secretary of the Minister of State for Work and Pensions, announced this week that in an effort to protect the Government from irresponsible claims for compensation, a 'National Job Centre Disclaimer' is to be introduced. This is to be presented to unemployed personages, in 25 languages, Braille, and gobbledygook.Read full story
The Los Angeles Lakers Are The World Champions - Kobe Bryant's Wife Vanessa Gets The Game Ball
LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Boston Celtics 83-79 to capture their 16th NBA world championship title. Kobe Bryant did not do to well at the beginning of the game and he blamed it on his broken right index finger. He said that...Read full story
U.S. Could Raise Retirement Age To 80
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Barack Obama's deficit reduction commission said Wednesday that it is recommending painful changes to retirement benefits that the President has so far been afraid to propose on his own. The new austerity measures inc...Read full story
Oh la la!
'Our French teacher was terrible, today' complained Penelope to her mother. 'Football again, I suppose' shrugged Sylvia Smythe. 'Yes. What a stupid game. And my French teacher is a woman. You'd think she'd know better.' 'Women are trying to be like men now, darling'. 'Not me. I don't want a cock!' Penelope exploded. 'The best thing about French is the swearing. They have this great wor...Read full story
Rachel Bilson Ruins Engagement to Actor who Ruined The Star Wars Franchise
Rachel Bilson, who starred as Extraneous Character #2 on The O.C. has stated that she is taking a break from her engagement from Hayden Christensen, the actor who singlehandedly ruined the Star Wars franchise. The couple met on the set of "Jumper"...Read full story
Gary Coleman Cremated. Funeral Director Resists Urge to Set Ex-Wife on Fire As Well.
A Utah funeral director somberly reduced the badly-decomposing body of Lilliputian-scale actor Gary Coleman to a thimble's-worth of ashes today, finally bringing some dignity to a life that was lead almost completely devoid of it. Coleman's coffin...Read full story
Tofu shrimp hot new trend in Cajun cooking
Due to the annihilation of the Gulf of Mexico's shrimp population by the BP oil catastrophe, creative coastal cooks have turned to vegetarian shrimp as a substitute. "Our city was built on shrimp," said New Orleans chef Martin Mouton. "Well, actu...Read full story
It's Nice When You Cum Into Money: Jizzpot Devon James claims Tiger Woods Travelled Back in Time to Father Her 9-Year-Old, Renamed 'BabyTiger Paydafukup".
Morally bankrupt polesmoker Devon James announced to no one in particular that she has filed a paternity suit against her former backdoor lover, Tiger Woods, because she believes he's the father of her 9-year-old boy. The lawsuit, handwritten in c...Read full story
Boyfriend to America Ferrera: Drop 50 And I'll Marry You
It finally happened: To the 3 people in the world who give a sh-t, "Fugly Betty" and "Real Mexicans Have Curves" star America Ferrera is Entire-Burger-King-Value-Menu-Eatin' happy after longtime boyfriend Ryan Piers Williams asked her to be his wife.Read full story
MP Claims we will all suffer with the cut-backs!
Ministers will suffer from the cut-backs, along with everyone else! - Intrepid reporter, Inchcock Chambers, got this statement, by Sir Spooninmouth Uppercrust, from the House of Commons, this morning. "Does the proletariat really think that we wil...Read full story
Vuvuzela Stuck In Man's Arse
Medical staff have told how a man was admitted to a Johannesburg hospital this morning with a vuvuzela protruding out of his arse. The local man, who had been blowing his 'horn' at the South Africa v. Uruguay game, had, apparently, been attacked b...Read full story
England To Play Algeria Dressed In Body Armour
The Football Association has this morning announced that the England team to play in the crucial World Cup Group C game against Algeria in Cape Town on Friday will take the field clad in full body armour. The move is to counter any sinister plots...Read full story
Teacher Awards Children Top Marks - Even Though Their Work Was Absolutely Shite!
An English teacher in the Thai capital of Bangkok told today of how he awarded some of his students top marks in one of his classes - even though their work was of the lowest standard imaginable, and, would, in the UK, be called 'shite'. The teach...Read full story
Bulls-it Excuse Of The Century: Jeremy London Says He Was Forced To Drink and Do Drugs At Gunpoint!
Lindsay Lohan: "I can't BELIEVE I never thought of that! Can I change my pleas in all of my court cases?" Jeremy London, the 37 year old actor that played Griffin on some show that the chick from Wild Things was on, claimed that he was forced at g...Read full story
Supercomputer May Debut on TV Show "Jeopardy"
Yep, that's right. A supercomputer may soon be a contestant on the long-running TV show. Host of "Jeopardy," Alex Trebek, is furious, saying, "I have a degree in philosophy, two Emmy Awards, and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And they...Read full story
Rick Lazio Interview
Rick Lazio, a GOP candidate, met your correspondent to discuss his campaign to become Governor of New York: Rick Andrew Carl: The mainstream press seems to think Andrew Cuomo will win this race running away, and the polls back them up. How can you win? RL: The press judges things too early. We'll keep delivering our message to the voters. RAC: What is your message? RL: People are tire...Read full story
Martians land in New Orleans!
This evening, the Martians landed in New Orleans and had a long talk with authorities. They saw the oil slick from Mars and knew that disaster had struck. They immediately offered to remove all that nasty water from our sea of oil. "We were o...Read full story
Andrew Cuomo Noodled By Lazio and Paladino
Republican candidates Rick Lazio and Carl Paladino issued dueling press releases attacking Democrat Andrew Cuomo over the Lasagna-Gate scandal. The NY Governor race is getting spicy. Cuomo was caught the other day in a dispute between his mother a...Read full story
America Returning to Values as One Nation Under God
I've thought long and hard about this. Perhaps the Republicans and Tea Partiers are right. Perhaps there is so much trouble in this country because we've gotten away from God. Considering this, I decided to get to the very root of all troubles. You see, what brought the collapse of this God-given country is the same thing that got us thrown out of the Garden of Eden. CLOTHING! After all, i...Read full story
World Cup Conspiracy Leaked
After the recent failed attempts by football supporters' organisations to have the vuvuzelas banned at the World Cup matches in South Africa, news has spread of a possible conspiracy to silence the vuvuzelas once and for all-by knocking all the Afric...Read full story
Sky Force People To Pay For Sky Sports News
BSkyB is to take Sky Sports News off Freeview, ending eight years of free-to-air broadcasting of the channel. The satellite broadcaster has decided to replace the 24-hour sports news service with a new Sky 3+1 channel and move the Sky Sports News...Read full story
Nothing Lilke A Gay Search At New Zealand's Christchurch Airport Customs
If you're male and you're headed to Christchurch airport in the land of the long white cloud you may be a target for a special kind of body search. A gay employee has been asked why he had increased the number male searches, and to give reasons as...Read full story