Written by ronin47empire

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

image for Hundreds of Third World Vampires Anaemic: UN Report
Wellfed Angry Vampires Like This One Are The Exception In India and Sub Saharan Africa

One month away from the debut of the predicted super-hit Eclipse a UN report presents a dismal state of affairs for a significant majority of the world's vampires. Most vampires in the third world do not have access to basic necessities like fresh healthy human blood or even a sturdy crypt to slumber in during daytime.

"It's quite depressing to watch these huge blockbusters like Twilight and New Moon and then confront reality," said Ramesh Tepis an activist of the Non Goth Organization B+. "In Sub Saharan Africa two out of three vampires die, not because of a respectable stake through the heart but simply starvation. The little children there are either completely devoid of nourishment for the vampire or have machine guns of their own, or both. In India we're trying an outreach program with female vampires and constructing several single room crypts. A lot of the children seem to be falling into deep holes in the ground left open by apathetic public officials. The news media gets a 10-minute clip, the army is distracted from the border and the child dies. But no one thinks of the vampire that could have been fed instead of the heartless hole in the ground."

The worst hit seem to be the young vampires. In Madagascar ramanga of a mere 150 have gone 13 to 14 years without fresh haemoglobin. There is hope though says Ramesh. "It all comes down to good governance. A few decades ago the jiang shi of China were in the same place. But active intervention from the Chinese government has helped nutrition levels. In India the main problem is with enforcement of human rules so the human population is healthy enough to sustain the ethnic Pishach or Vampires. The fact that the Goth Party of India(Dracula) and the Communist Party of India (Marxist)hold up any meaningful reform isn't helping."

The UN has set a target of 2012 to ensure that all vampires are anaemia free, well fed and have at least a basic tomb in daytime. Experts point out that with mammalian populations so high there hasn't been a reason for a single vampire to go hungry since Borlaugh and friends kept the human food supply from running out. But the humans keep insisting on having their stupid little problems leaving the innocent blood sucking ghouls to suffer.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Twilight, Vampires

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
121 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more