Mention the name 'Liverpool' to anyone and their immediate reaction will be to check that their pockets have not been picked or that they haven't stood in shite.
Such is the opinion of the vast majority of people who are not of the Liverpudlian race, that authorities have unveiled a campaign to improve the city's image.
"Come to Liverpool! It's Not Shite" read the posters plastered over half the filthy, cack-stained streets.
Men with big curly wig-like hair and red tracksuits have been told to stay off the streets whenever 'normal' people - that is, 'visitors' - are about.
The brown Ford Cortina - the treasured vehicle of choice for Liverpudlian's - is to be put off the road and replaced by bicycles, so that the city can have a more cosmopolitan feel.
Many Liverpudlian's will need to be taught how to ride a bike first because they are generally known for being unbalanced.
Celebrity endorsements have been flooding in with offers of greasy fast food and cider to sing the praises of their homeland.
Ken Dodd's face is used in a series of tourist advertisements.
The marketing 'geniuses' behind the ad campaign hope that Dodd's good looks and beaming smile will encourage beautiful eastern European peasant women to have their Hen Parties in the city's dank, stinky, retro night clubs.
The non-Spanish/Argentinian members of Liverpool FC stand on street corners outside run down pubs shaking buckets and asking visitors to come and watch them lose. So far they have been very successful at this trick.
Jimmy Tarbuck has been set up in a giant David Blaine-esque floating, see-thru glass case in the city's square.
Inside, he performs a series of shitty stand-up routines where he reminisces about the time he carried on performing when Tommy Cooper died on stage.
A battered cardboard cut-out of The Beatles,that has acted as the main attraction in Liverpool International Slavery Museum - I shit you not - will go on tour around the country.
Visitors will pay 20p to stare at the 'fab four' for twenty seconds at a time - 5p to touch Ringo's cardboard knob.
