San Francisco Onion Accepts 'Featured Writer' Accolades
Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness, Mr. Lawton, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen: I accept these noble and prized accolades for having randomly achieved Featured Writer status at a moment when hundreds of U.S. and U.K. citizens are engaged in a creative endeavor to make us laugh at the world - and despite the world - around us. I accept these accolades on behalf of writers that move with deter...Read full story
Unnamed News Satire Website Defends Both Censorship and Inaction.
Editors for a website which allows readers to sign up and upload humorous stories appeared on TV tonight for a "Town Hall" session to defend their decision to censor some topics, while allowing inappropriate comment to skate by. Some of the issues...Read full story
Memo to True Subo Fans: How To Train Your Sassy Dragon
Problems in Susan Boyle fandom took a raw turn last week when a Bare your Boobs for Susan campaign was sabotaged. "It's so not fair. I've got nothing in that department." cried one flat chested fan as she put the cat out on the way to the Eutha...Read full story
The New York Yankees Owner Kicks Lady Gaga's Groin Out of The Player's Clubhouse
NEW YORK CITY - Lady Gaga may make a lot of her fans go gaga but New York Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner said that he has had enough of the publicity seeking songstress whom he has referred to as a 'publicity ho' of the first magnitude. Steinbrenn...Read full story
Johnny Depp To Reprise His Role As A Gay Mexican Astronaut in "Gay Jose Can You See By The Dawn's Early Light Number 2"
HOLLYWOOD - Johnny Depp was nominated for an Academy Award for his portrayal of Jose "Paquito" De Las Patitas, in the Columbia Pictures and Guacamole Films movie Gay Jose Can You See By The Dawn's Early Light. Depp did not win as he lost out to Ja...Read full story
Who Owns BP Oil? It's Not The British
Most people these days are angry at British Petroleum for the oil spill but the British do not own the majority of the company. Why is this not coming out? According to records released today in showing how much the BP stock has fallen, it was...Read full story
Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber Want Roles In Twilight: Bree Tanner
Word around Hollywood is that Miley Cyrus can almost taste the vampire role of Bree Tanner in a new Twilight movie that is at least a year or more away. "As soon as I saw the book by Stephenie Meyer, I knew there would be a movie and the more I re...Read full story
Capello v Terry Round One Report
England's former captain, John Terry, has made a strong start in the World Cup Heavyweight Contest between Fabio Capello, Mafia boss of England's team and himself. Round one was scored to Terry on points by the three referees, two were linesmen bu...Read full story
Kirsten sacked from his Coach post!
It is learnt from our sports contributor Mr. Quick Gun Murugan that BCCI has sacked Mr. Garry Kirsten from the post of Indian Cricket coach. It is so learnt that this shocking sacking is a result of an event witnessed by the president of Board of...Read full story
Will Google celebrate the Summer Solstice with a tired old drawing of Stonehenge at sunrise?
Questions were being asked this evening regarding Google's plans for celebrating the Summer Solstice. A hastily convened panel of experts was assembled over the Internet to debate the issue. Boris Johnson, in South Africa to promote the UK's 2018...Read full story
Wal-Mart Greeters in Minnesota and Wisconsin Told They Must Speak Norwegian
SHEBOYGAN, Wisconsin - Maude McStarmaiden, a spokesperson for the world's largest retailer, has stated that the retailing giant is implementing a new policy in Wisconsin and Minnesota. McStarmaiden said that from now on anyone applying for a job a...Read full story
Put your finger in your hole!
Tony Haywire, BP's famous chief, has been seen sailing around the Isle of Wight. America is asking for his extradition to the United States where he will be tried for oil violations of the American coast. 'Put your finger in, Haywire!' exclaim...Read full story
Tony Haywood Joins Monastery
Faced with one fiasco after another, Tony Haywood, CEO of British Petroleum, has announced his retirement from the company that has gooed up the Gulf of Mexico. At the noon conference, held at his palatial estate in Switzerland, Mr. Haywood stated...Read full story
Jeremy Clarkson to offer 'P*ss into your tent' service at Glastonbury
Having exhausted the number of people and ideas to shit on, the hound dog faced petrol head has just launched a new service for Glastonbury revellers. When the rain and mud has peaked, for a small fee, he will personally come along and piss in yo...Read full story
Gay Dear, Me Dear, No Dear Times.
This month dear, I shall be having a varda at the local attractions for loose men on a tight budget. Yesterday, after a nightmare trying to get my hair to sit flat, I trolled up to the beach and had a mince along the promanade. OOOOH!! I hear you say, she's a bit daring! and well you might! I went into the local cottage and it was awful, not a bit of trade to be seen anywhere. So stay away from...Read full story
Obama Sends Half Of BP $20 Billion Aid Money To ACORN
Last week, BP agreed to provide a $20 billion aid fund to assist victims of the oil spill. The money is earmarked to help persons whose homes, businesses, livelihood, or property have been destroyed, damaged, or harmed as a result of the spill (dire...Read full story
FSA to be replaced by Masturbating Monkeys or...
In a move that everyone was expecting; Tory Chancellor George Osborne has announced that he intends to scrap, the utterly pointless and overpaid regulator, the FSA. The FSA, or Financial Services Authority, was made notorious for utterly...Read full story
Magazine Photos Of Sarah Palin Brings Lawsuit!
Sarah Palin answered reporter's questions today about her pics in the "See-More Than News" Tabloid but responded that she knew nothing about it. "It's been all over the news this morning" a reporter told her. Something about a man name Harold McG...Read full story
Cuba earthquake/tsunami fears up the ante in BP oil spill
Gulf of Mexico - (Apocalyptic Mess): The US Geological Survey has issued a tsunami warning ahead of a widely anticipated Havana earthquake on Fidel Castro's 13 August birthday. The tremor monitoring agency says such a quake could lift the billions...Read full story
New Carl Paladino E-mails Leaked!
A series of e-mail messages from within the Carl Paladino campaign team were leaked to your correspondent yesterday. They include revealing messages between campaign manager Michael Caputo and two political operatives, Roger Stone and John Haggerty. Paladino is a Republican candidate for Governor of New York. Haggerty was recently indicted for allegedly stealing over a million dollars from New...Read full story
Starz's "Failure to Fly", Because There's Nothing Funnier Than Mass Suicide.
So, the creators of the show are Eric Schaeffer and Jill Franklyn. They have Emmys. They won because they co-wrote the "Yada, yada, yada" episode of Seinfeld. And you know what? I watched that episode when it first ran with my girlfriend at the time, Sheryl. Sheryl would watch Sienfeld and, instead of enjoying it for the at-times witty writing and Kramer's wacky movements, she would give a running...Read full story
Disney: If at First You Can't Continue With a Franchise, Create a Mirror Image New One!
If at First You Can't Continue With a Franchise, Create a Mirror Image New One! Disney, a company that has the uncanny ability to be molasses-sweet and incredibly profitable, had come to a conclusion: Instead of filming 'High School Musical 4' they will create another new franchise with "Lemonade Mouth", adapted from a Random House book aimed at the pre-pubes market. In it, five freshmen wh...Read full story
What Do You Get When You Mash Together 'Murder One' and 'Law and Order'? CRAP!, Coming Soon to AMC.
What do you get when you create a show that merges "Law and Order" with "Murder One", ABC's mid-90's Daniel Benzali vehicle that rocketed absolutely no one to stardom? A flaming pile of sh-t that will defile Tivos nationwide this September. AMC wishes to introduce you to "The Killing", their dramatic hope-to-nab-some-Emmy-nominations caja de mierda for the fall 2010 season. "The Killing", as it...Read full story
Inmates Flush Everything But Blown-Up Perez Miley Cyrus Poster Down The John!
Inmates at a Kentucky prison have apparently been flushing everything they can down the commode to stop it up. "They're placing towels, sneakers, old underwear and other debris down toilets, causing problems for the operators of the local sewage treatment plant", stated a prison spokesman. "We've been up Shit Creek for three months! hee hee hee." "Why?" "Just don't give a shit. Aha! Ha! H...Read full story
Let the Caterwauling Begin: Arizona Enacts Cat Leash Law
Area 52, AZ -- Not content with arresting residents for driving while Mexican, the State of Arizona announced recently that it had enacted a cat leash law requiring all cats to be kept on a very short leash. "For too long cats have been allowed to...Read full story
Some people are on the pitch. They think it's all over.
Yes, that's right, they're the England players. - Anyone who has been watching England's group matches will have to concede the team has not looked inspired or enthusiastic. Well all that is about to change. England have drafted in a new team of...Read full story
Summer Solstice Shocker As BP Logo Crop Circle Manifests on Palace Lawn
London - (Portents): A turf war between Buckingham Palace moles bunkered deep beneath the royal lawn is suspected of being behind the latest grassy etching. The BP logo-themed crop circle appeared hours ahead of Monday's 11.28GMT solar ingress as...Read full story
The Collaboration, Chapter 6 - Minnesota Nice Goes to Tibet
Far in the mysted, mystical mountains of Tibet, Lena Oleson reached the end of one of many paths up the same mountain, and there she halted. "Wow," she huffed, trying to catch her breath. "That was a heckuva climb." A man in the robes of a Tibetan Buddhist monk stepped forward. "Good morning, madam," he greeted in English. "It appears, perhaps, that you have lost your way." "Oh, no," s...Read full story
Kristin Davis Endorses Kristin Davis for Governor
Kristin Davis, the actress from Sex and the City, today endorsed her namesake Kristin Davis (aka The Manhattan Madam) in the NY race for Governor. Madam Davis is running an outsider campaign promising to legalize marijuana and prostitution. Th...Read full story
Tony Haywood Kidnapped by Somali Pirates in Sailboat Race
It was announced at a noon press conference that embattled CEO of BP has been kidnapped by Somali pirates. Tony Haywood, the CEO born with two left feet in his mouth, had escaped the "small" people of the sticky, icky Gulf of Mexico to enjoy a littl...Read full story
Murdoch Parties with Filthy at Oyster Bay Estate
SPECIAL TO INS - On Thursday, more than 100 filthy people from Long Island were treated to a luncheon hosted by Fox News CEO Rupert Murdoch. The festivities were held in a corner of Murdoch's estate normally used by his dog, Hypocrite. In an effo...Read full story
New Reality Show Will Test Contestants To The Maximum
A reality television show that will test its participants to the maximum debuts this week on new American cable channel Sicko. Zoophobia challenges ten members of the public to survive as long as possible in a small, inescapable enclosure filled w...Read full story
Kelly Brook Finally Gets Fed Up With Danny Cipriani's Womanizing Ways And Shows Him The Effen Door
LONDON - Kelly Brook, model, actress, television presenter, and fox hunt organizer, revealed to her hair stylist that she has had it with boyfriend Danny Cipriani's womanizing ways. Thirty year old Brook said that she has never been with a man who...Read full story
Football can't be so bad
'Mummy, a boy used the four letter word beinning with C about me today'. 'Really, that's disgraceful. I loathe that word more than any other.' 'C U' 'No need for more. I suppose there's a T?' 'Yes. How did you know?' 'I've heard it before, Penelope. And there's an N isn't there?' 'No. It's an E. He said I was a cute.' 'That's lovely darling. He thinks you're cute.' 'I thoug...Read full story
No Place Like A Crowded Home - Try 162 Under One Roof
162 people living under the one roof could be, and I would have to agree, one of the largest ever in the world. Now the head of this Indian family is only 66 and apparently has 32 wives and 94 children of his own, and his house is also home to his...Read full story
Miley Cyrus Reveals Her New Ear Tattoo But Refuses To Reveal Her Vagina Tattoo
LOS ANGELES - After a whirlwind concert tour of Britain that took her to London, Lancaster, Coventry, Portsmouth, and Upper Tooting, "Smiley" Miley is glad to be back on the Left Coast. Cyrus seems to garner more headlines than Brobama, "Trigger F...Read full story
"Illinois School Claims That Allergies May Help Prevent Bullying Among Teens"
"The kid really let him have it, both barrels!" says Principal Wilson of Loloway Middle School. Near a freshly mown lawn one morning a local nerd was being interrogated by a known bully for the contents of his pockets. The nerd received a few war...Read full story
Lance Armstrong Will Only Pose Bare-Chested for Future Magazine Covers
Well, Outside Magazine has gone and ruined it for the rest of the magazine-reading world. Wait, maybe they've done us a favor. By taking it upon themselves to add a message to the plain blue t-shirt Lance Armstrong wore for the cover, Outside Magazin...Read full story
"The Chupacabra and Seven" Wins The 2010 Best Damn Drink In The USA Contest
LOBO, Texas - The small West Texas town of Lobo recently hosted The 29th Annual Best Damn Drink In The USA Contest & Frijoles Borachos Cookoff. The yearly event was held on Tumblin' Tumbleweed Day, which is celebrated on the third Saturday in...Read full story
Lady Gaga Addresses Those Persistent Hermaphrodite Rumors
NEW YORK CITY - Noted singer Lady Gaga says she cannot decide whether she is a New York Mets fan or a New York Yankees fan. Speaking to reporters in the parking lot outside of Yankee Stadium Gaga was asked if there is something in the crotch of he...Read full story
World Cup Dressing Room Shock
England fan Julio Pavarotti wandered into the English dressing room wanting a pee after the scoreless draw against Algeria. Seeing David Beckham he asked: 'How could you miss that open goal, David?' 'But I wasn't playing my friend. But let me i...Read full story
Tony Hayward's Yacht Sunk by Davy Jones
England - Tony Hayward's boat Bob was leading a yacht race on Saturday when several gigantic tentacles emerged and surrounded his vessel from underneath. The boat was crushed and disappeared from the surface. "It was just horrible," said Sir Elton...Read full story
Some People Don't Hate Us, NYC Rats Say
Like their human counterparts, New York City rats are both bold and clever. That was proven this week, when the rats took steps in damage control after there was some press about new ways to handle rodent infestation in the subway. The little creatu...Read full story
The Finger And Flying Puppy Leaves Hell's Angels Scratching Their Heads
A student in Germany created major traffic problems in the city of Bavaria after making a finger gesture to a number of Hell's Angerls motorcycle gang members. Giving the rough ruggered bikies the finger wasn't enough for the 26 year old as he thr...Read full story
Shipment of Human Heads Found at Airport!
Little Rock, AR - You know the saying "I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached." Well, that is precisely what happened last week, only it was more than one head that showed up in the Little Rock Airport lost and found department. Between 40 to 60 head...Read full story
World Cup - England Camp Unsettled
Insiders in the England camp tell us that the entire squad is unsettled, and growing increasingly frustrated with the iron discipline enforced by Fabio Capello. We were reliably informed that Peter Crouch is desperately missing the dulcet tones an...Read full story
Justin Bieber, Cheryl Cole, and Lady Gaga To Perform at The Halftime of The World Cup Soccer Game Between North Korea and The Ivory Coast
LOS ANGELES - Justin Bieber was having lunch at a local Jack-in-The-Box when he received a text message from his manager. He was informing him that the president of North Korea Kim Jong Il had just offered him 10 million Wons [$698,913 U.S.] to p...Read full story
An Alternative to Standard Father's Day Gifting
Ok, kids, let's look at the whole gift-giving thing for dad on Father's Day in a completely different light. Face it, your dad has all the ties he needs, it's summertime and therefore, too hot for slippers or a robe, and he prefers to pick out his own socks and underwear. So, what would be some practical gifts for the man who is not only taking care of himself now, but also taking care of you, t...Read full story
7'6" Manute Bol Trips Over Gary Coleman in Heaven: Coleman on Afterlife Support.
Ex-wife Shannon Price: "Does that mean I get two Wills' worth of toy trains?" Manute Bol, the former incredibly huge man who the Sixers used to park in front of the basket, with express instructions to "swat away the orange ball", experiences two...Read full story
American Soccer Fan Accidentally Pees in World Cup
It is no secret that Americans, especially those of the Conservative element, neither understand nor care for the sport which is actually known as Football to the rest of the world. However, there are many avid soccer fanatics within the United Stat...Read full story
Vernon Kay Almost Gets Bummed By Alan Carr Live On James Corden's World Cup TV Show
Bolton funnyman and text sex star Vernon Kay nearly got more than he bargained for last night on James Corden's World Cup TV show. Apparently, some idiot came up with the idea of riding a surf board type thing in an inflatable paddling pool kind o...Read full story
Justin Bieber Says That He Would Love To Date Miley Cyrus
TULSA, Oklahoma - Justin Bieber performed at a sold out concert in Tulsa's Sooner or Later Arena and received the greatest ovation of his young career. The applause was so deafening that many of the audience members said that they could not even h...Read full story
Energy Secretary Chris Huhne Has Energy To Spare
Cabinet Minister Chris Huhne, the Energy Secretary, has proved that he's got energy in abundance, by carrying on an extra-marital sex affair with a former PR worker. Sources say that Huhne was caught out by alert press hawks as he entertained his...Read full story
It's not Funny, It's not Inspired, It's HBO. Show Should Be Called "Linsday Lohan, Allegedly"
From those wacky, zany, madcap Tomfoolers at HBO comes another quirky, whimsical trying-to-catch-Six-Feet-Under's-lightning-in-a-bottle replacement sh-tbag, entitled "Lindsay Lohan, Allegedly" (UPDATE: In light of threats to be removed from the ai...Read full story
Network Looks to Put Together Two Words Rarely Seen Together: "Comedy" and "NBC"
Stay tuned, NBC-ophiles! Even if you haven't laughed at an NBC show since Will killed Grace, the National Broadcasting Company seeks to change that with "100 Questions For Charlotte Payne." Hold on to your sides, people: Here comes the funny!...Read full story