Elin's Handicapp on Tiger: $750M or $352,941.18 Per Adulterous Stroke!
Elin Woods came out a big winner today with the announcement that philandering husband and golf hustler Tiger would be anteing up $750M to pay for his off the course intercourse! GNP in Sweden surged, and stocks climbed there as well on the news.Read full story
The "Truth" Behind England World Cup Squad Disharmony
The truth behind England's disastrous World Cup showing has been revealed to Skoob News, and it all boils down to disharmony in the England camp, bordering on internal warfare between squad members. News of this trench warfare is currently subject...Read full story
Local Writer Botches Critique of Local Writer's "Botched" Miley Cyrus Vagina Story
We understand from a source close to amateur satire webzine The Spoof! - an internet site owned by a mysterious, Murdoch-style oligarch which relies on sweated skitting from an army of unpaid writers - that a hitherto genial and tolerant author has r...Read full story
War Over: Cadillac Escalades To All Al-Qaeda & Taliban
The news came suddenly and without warning. The US, Osama Bin Laden, and leaders of the Taliban have reached a peace accord. The war is over! The stock market soared, General Motors called back 7,000 workers, and contractors all over America geare...Read full story
President Barack Obama Staunchly Defends Vice President Joe Biden's "Smartass" Remark
LA BREA, California - President Obama, the "First Mama" Michelle, and the "First Kiddoes" Malia and Sasha were in La Brea visiting the world famous La Brea Tar Pits. The president had been criticized prior to going to the infamous tar pits due to...Read full story
How to Pimp Your Grandmother
I had a big problem, pimping my wife, the lazy cow would not get off her arse and do the business. So, I went round to my grans house and asked her if she wanted to earn a few quid, doing me a favour now and again. The batty old bastard is 98, so she will say yes to anything, wont she? daft as a brush! So, the older she is, the better, and don't forget to tell her to leave her teeth at home. If...Read full story
Exclusive Gordon Brown Confession - 50 Ways Labour Conned You
I Gordon Brown, former unelected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, would like to issue a statement on behalf of the Labour Party and formally apologise for almost a decade and a half of Labour rule which I now formally acknowledge has destroyed this once great country. In doing so, I would like to publically acknowledge just some of the overwhelming mistakes, miscalculations and insidious p...Read full story
Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Demi Lovato To Record Kelly Clarkson's Big Hit "I Thought I Heard Him Say Suck It, My Bad"
SAN FRANCISCO - The trio of teen queens was in the "City By The Bay" visiting the historic Alcatraz Federal Prison. Miley said that her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, knew several men who had actually been incarcerated in the prison out in the middle of Sa...Read full story
Hordes of Ex-Catholic Priests Stage "Santa for Kids" Convention in July
Bloomington, Minnesota, July 1, 2010 -- A huge convention of Catholic ex-priests descended on the Mall of America today for the purpose of paying special attention to the area's children. "It's only once per year that we get to play Santa for the...Read full story
Send Back The Tonys: Broadway Bound (and Gagged)
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Better get used to it Mr. and Mrs. First-Nighter. The same goes for you, too, all you old school legit theatre ships still out there, either lost at sea, or, for the moment anyway, trying like hell to stay reasonably afloat along what's left of the once-proud great white way. Because based on what just went down at the most recent super festive, stars-in/balls-out, Tony...Read full story
Miley Cyrus Says She Turned Down A Role In The Twilight Saga: Eclipse Because Her Character Had No Nude Scenes
LAS VEGAS - Miley Cyrus was in Las Vegas to meet with the representatives of the brand new Golden Niblets Gambling Casino and Hotel. Cyrus has been offered a one year deal to perform at the brand new establishment on Saturdays for $30 million.Read full story
Supermodel Naomi Campbell must testify in war crimes case even though she was totally "Stoned Rolling" at the time!
Supermodel Naomi Campbell has been subpoenaed to testify in a war crimes case and pleads "I don't remember a f*****g thing." Naomi was "innocently" invited to a party in South Africa by Charles Taylor, the ex-Liberian President, alongside Mandela,...Read full story
iPhone 4 Inhibits Right Handed Users From Sexting. "I used my left hand, and nearly ripped my junk off!"
Early Adopters of the iPhone 4 were annoyed to find that it doesn't work if you hold it in your left hand because it blocks the antenna. But there's another group that is seriously damaged by this flaw: Right handed people who Sext. In fact, 21 pe...Read full story
The Problem of Bullying
In their campaign to combat school bullying, the Ministry of Education have pointed out that there's one group of children who are more fortunate than others. A study has shown that children suffering from illiteracy are far less likely to suffer...Read full story
Police dogs to replace Community Officers
An audit of West Mercia police has discovered that out of a workforce of over 4000 there may be as little as zero police on active duty at any one time. The national audit commission made a surprise visit to the Hindlip Hall HQ in Worcester last F...Read full story
Is Kylie Minogue a lady boy?
It has been noted that Kylie Minogue has spend a lot of time in Pattaya Thailand in recent years and seems to have family there. She has been spotted several times at the famous "Lady boy cabaret" and dined with the stars after the shows. Several...Read full story
Big Foot sighted in Scotland
Edinburgh, Scotland. Authorities are in a flap today following unconfirmed sightings of a "Big Foot" or that rare unexplained life form usually found in North America. A suburban resident here said she was having her usual morning coffee at the lo...Read full story
Muslims plan to emigrate to the Moon!
Muslims around the world are getting pissed off that they are blamed for all the trouble in the world so they plan to leave Earth for the Moon. They have already paid Nasser (the ex president of Egypt) to provide an Islamic inter galactic craft to sh...Read full story
England Back In World Cup! Will Play Argentina On Saturday!
In an amazing turnaround, world football's governing body, FIFA, have this evening announced that, after hours of deliberation and viewing videotape evidence of the Germany v. England match which the Germans won 4-1, they have decided that a disputed...Read full story
Oldies Taking Over The Internet
A new UK report released today reveals that over 70% of internet usage can be attributed to silver surfers, or in some cases, baldy headed surfers, as increasing numbers of tech savvy senior citizens get to grips with the complexities of the net.Read full story
Nude photos really sucked sobs Vanessa Hudgens
Hollywood - (Reuterus & Naked Ass Mess): The doe-eyed twenty one year-old High School Musical star blames cyber-oglers for a lurid mudslinging campaign about her fantastic nude online shots. These surfaced in 2007 and were immediately implicat...Read full story
Alchemy makes gold from bananas!
For thousands of years it has plagued alchemists -how to make gold from base materials. The fabled "Philosophers Stone" the very ingredient needed to transform shit into gold has eluded man - until now! A new discovery by a modern day alchemist ha...Read full story
Canada Day conspiracy to topple the Queen
Ottawa, Ontario - (Reuterus): A predicted July 1st karma-assisted suicide of pointless cold war throwback Queen Elizabeth II is gaining momentum. Royal Canadian Hellfire Club soothsayers reckon a highly gratuitous Canada Day state visit has been...Read full story
A Gay Middle-Class Part-time Anarchist!
Hello, fellow anarchists! You'll find these thoughts of mine simple and to the point. No waffle. We anarchists hate wafflers. We anarchists hate everything, but we hate wafflers most of all. So stay with me and be entertained by the utter ravings of a gay, middle-class, part-time anarchist! My name is Guy Forkes and I always like to joke that my name can cause fireworks. Ha! Ha! Ha! My Partner, on...Read full story
Loch Ness monster is American!
Recent sightings of Nessie the Loch Ness monster and photos taken by American tourists have sprung up a strange coincidence. One American tourist after a traditional Scottish lunch of Haggis and Scotch whiskey decided to take a walk along the Loc...Read full story
OMG! Anna Kuschenko Chapman is BP CEO Tony Hayward's daughter??
Washington AC/DC - (Reuterus): A massive damage limitation exercise is under way amid fears the flame haired Mata Hari has tested positive for paternity by the disaster-hit BP boss. Officially the stunning looking Russian spook was born in the Ukr...Read full story
Capello Defiant After Narrow Defeat
England boss Fabio Capello remained in typically defiant mood last night following a NARROW 4-1 defeat at the hands of arch enemies Germany. Adopted Englishman Capello insisted, through an interpreter, "Our brave Tommies overcame the evils of Naz...Read full story
Rooney caught red handed
Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney has been caught trespassing into the London Zoo at 2:16am this morning. The striker was identified when the groundskeeper checked in at 6am. "I saw the footballer lying down near the gorilla cages...Read full story
Ashley Cole obsessed by 'Lady-Boy'
Friends of the Chelsea and England footballer, Ashley Cole, have today confirmed speculation that he is currently obsessed with a lady-boy that he met in a club before jetting off to South Africa to take part in the 2010 World Cup tournament. This...Read full story
Derek Acorah investigates Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson
The not at all fraudulent psychic, Derek Acorah has investigated Twilight Eclipse movie stars Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson, convinced in the reality of both Vampires and Werewolves. Already, Acorah has found the Yeti, Bigfoot and the Loch Nes...Read full story
UK Police Numbers Set To Plummet
Home Secretary, Theresa Might, has announced measures to drastically reduce Police numbers and red tape in the wake of the recent public sector cuts. Presenting at the Police annual conference in Manchester she told delegates "Unlike New Labour, w...Read full story
Adrian Chiles can go for miles
Unlikely heart throb Adrian Chiles, former presenter of BBC's 'The One show' and World Cup pundit is apparently a sex machine in the sack. Ex girlfriend Yaska Moslavic has told me that the blond middle-aged presenter has the stamina of a leatherneck...Read full story
According to the Sun, some nurse claims she saw the face of Christ on her drainpipe. So who is Jesus trying to convert? Rats and spiders? SPIDER: I was a hopeless alcoholic. Then, one day, as I crawled up the water spout I saw Jesus. We all know that Jesus had the common touch. But surely not this fucking common! And the nurse wants the Pope to come round to see it. POPE: Ach so! Get ou...Read full story
Burst prisons 'inevitable'
Structural engineers have noticed a dangerous bulge on an external wall at Wormwood Scrubs and have voiced concerns that if overcrowding is not brought under control, some prisons may physically burst. Jails such as Dartmoor may be allowed to 'blo...Read full story
Panda for Points
Several petrol stations across the UK have introduced a new scheme, which has the full backing of the World Wildlife Fund. Every time customers fill up on the forecourts they will be allocated WWF points. When sufficient points are gathered, the m...Read full story
Pensioner survives being dragged by car
Octogenarian Mervyn Forstwerth is toasting his good fortune today after literally walking away from a serious car accident. Mr Forstwerth scrambled underneath the car in a busy garage forecourt in Kent after seeing a 20p piece beside the rear wheel.Read full story
'Offensive to women' advertising posters banned
Two posters aimed at young girls have been banned by the advertising watchdog for showing images of women likely to cause serious offence. The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) said they breached decency rules by showing what normal women actuall...Read full story
Vanessa Feltz in new bid to shed weight
Vanessa Feltz announced today her intention to shed weight using a method suggested by her personal trainer. Miss Feltz (48), said 'I no longer want to be regarded as the poster girl for fat people. Let's face it the posters are not getting any sm...Read full story
Cutting the Cost of Crime
According to the Justice Secretary Ken Clarke, it costs £38,000 a year to keep someone in jail. And this is more than the fees charged at Eton. Justice Secretary? Where's the justice in that? He's having a laugh, right? On the other hand, this gives the lags two advantages over those public school toffs. Not only are the fees higher, they don't have to wear those stupid top hats and stiff coll...Read full story
Fear and Loathing on the Internet: 2
Or...Gonzo Journalism Without the Use of Illegal Substances It didn't all start with the Internet. One particularly inventive troll who still stalks me first appeared after I discovered a slip of paper under a hedge bearing a weird message written in a childish scrawl. Running it through the Internet I discovered it was taken from the Koran and was a poor alliteration of Sura 104, "The Backbite...Read full story
It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's . . .
. . . a car? Well, sort of. It's actually a plane AND a car. It's called the Terrafugia, the flying car, and it may actually be on the market next year. Spoof reporter Gail Farrelly has gotten access to company records, which identify four specific groups being targeted as potential customers: 1. Celebs, who often have to make a quick getaway from the paparazzi. No longer will there...Read full story
Fabled "Lost World " discovered in Yorkshire Dales
It appears that the fabled "Lost World" has been found and its nestling somewhere in the remote valleys of the Yorkshire Dales. Professor Greenslime of the "Castleford institute of lower education" was studying the mating habits of Yorkshire sheep and Yorkshire sheep farmers in the area between Ilkley Moor and Skipton (known by UFO enthusiasts as the Yorkshire triangle because of frequent sigh...Read full story
Kenneth Clarke says 'Fewer Prisoners Will Go To Prison' Another 'Australia' in the making?
It is well known that the majority of guilty people WILL re-offend within 12 months of gaining their freedom. Why,therefore, will fewer prisoners go to prison? This is a question on many a tongue. This is a question to which we, the normal people with common sense who inhabit this earth, already know the answer. It's a laugh don't you think? The people in charge of criminals have now real...Read full story
Amy Winehouse joins Ken Clarke in Drug Rehab
In a radical move Justice Minister, Ken Clarke, is introducing a new Drug Rehab scheme in order to get down the numbers of drug addicts in prison. He is setting up sessions at Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club with guest vocalist Amy Winehouse. 'She's grea...Read full story
Early humans could fly says scientist
Archaeologist Dr Phillip Gum has come up with a new theory about the origins of the human population. He says we did not evolve from apes because we still have apes. No he says the evidence points to humans developing from "birds". Fosils have been found of human like creatures with feathers. He states that early man had to escape from predatory animals quickly and the fastest way was to fly.Read full story
Queen Elizabeth offers Wayne Rooney a knighthood!
Enter Sir Wayne Rooney, the Queen has decided to give him a knighthood for his devoted services to Queen and country! Elizabeth, now entering a slightly demented phase in her life followed England's misfortunes on the telly against the old enemies...Read full story
Miley Cyrus' Vagina "Left a Bad Taste in Her Mouth," Says Justin Bieber
The moist canal extending from Miley Cyrus' labia minora to her uterus nearly dried up this morning when the dancing starlet was informed that it had become a staple at The World's Largest Penis and Vagina Outlet, said Justin Bieber. "She was pre...Read full story
Australia's Prime Minister Will Not Jail Red Head Jokers Or Legalise Gay Marriages
Newly appointed Labour Prime Minister and the first Australian redheaded female leader says she'll fight against gay marriage, but will be more lenient to redhead jokes. The P.M. says she's in office for a rough ride and admits not many may like h...Read full story
Cristiano Ronaldo - Impotent
Like his former Manchester United team-mate, Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo bowed out of the World Cup without making much of an impression. There had been high hopes for the Iberian clash between Spain and Portugal, and to some extent, the game...Read full story
Obama's Birth Certificate Found!
President Barack Obama's birth certificate was claimed to have been found last week while JZ Knight was channeling Johnny Carson at her home in Yelm, Washington. "You will find Barack Obama's birth certificate in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagna...Read full story
Office Actress Makes Career Limiting Move by Divorcing 'Office' Producer
Angela Kinsley, the woman who plays pious Dwightf-cker Angela on the NBC show "The Office" is ending her marriage to Warren Lieberstein, a writer and producer on the show. Angela Kinsey cites irreconcilable differences with her husband of 10 years...Read full story
Black hole of Calcutta spinning out of control
In recent weeks it has been noticed that the famous Black hole in the centre of Calcutta has gained in power and is spinning out of control. The Black hole was a remaining remnant from when the Earth was formed and has from time to time had bad effec...Read full story
Crack, now with Retsyn! Cop Mistook Lindsay's Cocaine for Breath Mint
We now know the reason that Lindsay Lohan (Hereinafter referred to as "Defendant") ended up spending 80 minutes in the clink after a drunken, cocaine-fueled chase on the PCH, and it wasn't because she gave oral treats to the cops at the scene. Wh...Read full story
Budget To Cost 1.3 Million Jobs In Austerity Purge
Sources are claiming that the Con-Dem government alliance budget will cost something in the region of 1.3 million - primarily public sector - jobs, as it attempts to slash the national debt at any cost. In order to get the money rolling in again.Read full story
Larry King: I Want To End "Live" Before I Need Diapers. Wait. . . Too Late.
Antediluvian TV softball-question interviewer Larry King will step aside from hosting his prime-time show this fall after 25 years, he announced Tuesday. "It is important to Larry that he end the show before he his not in control of his faculties...Read full story
Script Leaked From New Woody Allen Porn Movie
Famous Hollywood Director Woody Allen is shooting a new movie; this will be his first in the genre of pornography. He will both direct and star in the movie (and is also the producer and writer). A page of the script, where Allen encounters his first prostitute, was accidentally left at a New York City lunch counter. A monologue from that script is printed below: "How much do I have to pay...Read full story
Adam Lambert Appears As Count Vuvuzela of Moldova in The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Adam Lambert stated that he thoroughly enjoyed filming his cameo role in the blockbuster hit, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Lambert said that he especially enjoyed sharing a movie trailer with Taylor Lautner. Lamby, as Lautner and R...Read full story
It Is Official: Larry King Is Retiring From Television - Says He Wants To Play With His Kids and Keep Close Tabs on His Adulterous Wife Shawn
LOS ANGELES - Larry King has finally decided to call it quits. He says that he will hang up his microphone, his suspenders, and his viagra tablets come Autumn. Larry, who is 76, said that he just wants to spend more time watching his little boys p...Read full story
England Players To Receive 'Kick In The Balls' For Poor World Cup Performances
The FA today summoned all players and staff who went on England's disastrous 2010 World Cup jaunt to South Africa to a meeting at Lancaster Gate, where 'remedial action' for their poor performances was on the agenda. It was decided that: "the play...Read full story
Joe Biden Says Something Smart
Vice President Joe Biden stunned the world today by actually saying something appropriate and smart. What he said was, "It sure is a nice summer day." The accuracy and pleasant nature of this statement caused bystanders to question whether this w...Read full story
"The Twilight Saga: Eclipse" - AKA Le Menage A Trois Is Kicking Ass
HOLLYWOOD - Movie critics from Boston to Bombay are all singing the same tune and that is that the latest Twilight Saga: Eclipse has blown the previous two out of the water, no pun intended. Twilight Saga: #3 has got teens and tweens hollering out...Read full story
Sexy Spy Anna Chapman Implicated In Vuvuzela Conspiracy
Sexy alleged Russian ginger spy, Anna Chapman, arrested last week on espionage charges, was last night presented with a warrant by leading sportscaster ESBN. ESBN are aggrieved that the Russian hotty may be the individual responsible for ruining...Read full story
Chinese Government Says Yes to I-Ching, No to iPhone 4
Although the Chinese government has allowed consumers in Mainland China to own earlier versions of the iPhone, they are now cracking down saying that the iPhone 4 is too advanced and could bring more harm than good to the government and its citizens.Read full story
Yorkshire pudding blamed for sex change
A scientific study has been conducted into the effects of eating Yorkshire pudding. It has been observed that if a Yorkshire (or Northern man) eats Yorkshire pudding on a regular diet he becomes more feminine and womanly. In tests conducted in pub...Read full story
iPads for under a dollar!
The popularity of the latest ipad is overwhelming. Sold in the stores across America for as much as 700 dollars it has come to light that an ipad can be had for under a dollar. Many people have been queuing for five nights to get their hands on...Read full story
Hey Russia, How About a Toothless Crack-Ho Spy Next Time, Stupid
Washington, D.C. -- Authorities stunned the nation as news of the arrest of a young, knock-out gorgeous alleged Russian spy spread across the networks today. "What in the world?" one flabbergasted neighbor of 28 year-old Russian spy, Anna Chapman...Read full story
First in a Series: H&R Block General Counsel Gets The F--k out of Dodge
H&R Block today reported that the company is initiating a search for a new general counsel after its current top attorney, Brian "The Scapegoat" Woram, will get the f--k out of Dodge as of July 2 for a "new leadership opportunity." Since joini...Read full story
Anna Chapman - Sexy Secret Agent
So far, information regarding Anna Chapman - arrested this week in the USA on Espionage charges - has been sketchy at best. Which is pretty much what you'd expect from a spy. Here at Skoob News, we have managed to establish that she was born in Ru...Read full story
Vuvuzela Vibrators Big Hit at Pink Passion Adult Toy Parties
Orlando, FL - Move over "Big Dong" and "Oui Oui Magnifique" there's a new vibrator in town and women all over the country are buying them up quicker than you can say "comes with batteries." The Vuvuzela Vibrator is creating quite a buzz with women...Read full story
England football team arrive home, next stop, Afghanistan
Due to a shortage of cannon fodder, the Ministry of Defence have decide to take the unusual step of conscripting the ex England squad, as it is felt that they could serve their country better, for the amount of money they get, on the front line.Read full story
Lady Gaga Stealing Madonna's Act?
Ever since Lady Gaga hit the national scene a few years ago, she's been trying to invent herself. First copying punk and glam rock stars such as Iggy Pop and David Bowie and then megastars Cher and Madonna, she's never really been able to come into h...Read full story