Paris Hilton Surrenders, Strip Search Tapes to be Released
Lynwood Calif. Paris Hilton surrendered herself to the Los Angeles County Sheriffs Department Sunday night at 11:30 pm. Paris was booked into The Century Regional Detention Facility one day earlier than ordered by a Los Angeles judge.
Read full storyDisgruntled lab chimps banding together; Science gone mad?
Chimpanzees liberated from Los Angeles sweatshop computer spamming have been going apes over news coverage of their kin's revolt at Hardly University. The apes at Hardly escaped and have been planning to launch a spacecraft, raising concerns from...
Read full storyLily to the knife
Singing sensation Lily Allen has confirmed on her official myspace profile (which she has over 100,000 friends as we are constantly told) that she will head to the operating table to finish off her sex change. So far, she only has a voice of a female...
Read full storyTaliban boat captain blamed in fatal sinking
Helmand Province, Afghanistan (New York Times) - A weekend boating accident on the Helmand River in which several Taliban fighters died has been blamed on the boat's captain, Yosef Hazelwood. Mr. Hazelwood was not from the area and lacked famili...
Read full storyXBox 360 Semen Protector - Inventor talks!
CAMBRIDGE, UK - 04/06/07. When Professor Masterton Lovecraft walked in on his son, Marmalade, he was shocked at what he found. Thinking that the grunting noises coming from his son's bedroom were that from Microsoft's mega-hit "Gears of...
Read full storyDo the stars augur well asks Amitabh Bachchan in land fraud case?
Mumbai - (Ass Mess): Fabled Bollywood legend Amitabh Bachchan has consulted India's top astrologers on the dilemma he is facing amid the possibility of fraud charges being brought against him in an illegal land deal.
Read full storyHouse Of Glitter
Sources at Channel 4 earlier this week told us that hundreds of emails containing a shortlist of candidates for next seasons Celebrity Big Brother had been mis-sent, to people unconnected with Endemol.
Read full storyWilliam Jefferson joins Corupt Bastards Club
Washington - (Ass Mess): Louisiana Democrat Representative...
Read full storyEssien picks up BBC gong
Chelsea's Ghanaian midfielder-cum-strongman Michael Essien not only won the African Footballer of the Year award, he also picked up the "BBC gong", at an historic and highly entertaining awards ceremony on Monday evening.
Read full storyKermit kidnapped by French Terrorists
PARIS, FRANCE - 04/06/07. Muppet fans around the world were shocked today to learn that Hollywood legend, Kermit the Frog has been kidnapped by French Terrorist Group, Grenouilles Sans Crainte (Frogs Without Fear). At this current time, no ransom dem...
Read full storyVermont Steals Ron Paul And Secedes From US
Montpelier, VT (FP) - In a shocking, historic move, the entire state of Vermont has voted to secede from the United States of America. Representatives from the newly formed Republic of Vermont stated various grievances against The United States Of Am...
Read full storyJudge says Gitmo is Spanish Inquisition Mark 2
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba - (Ass Mess): A senior military judge told Pentagon top brass today that the Guantanamo Bay detention camp is nothing more than a re-invented Spanish Inquisition run along the same barbaric lines that were outlawed by civilised c...
Read full storyIreland's government to take drastic steps
In a bid to gain popularity with the public,Irish government is set to review a 500 year old document written by the catholic church. The document,titled the Anglo-Hibernicus implicitly hands over jurisdiction of all British lands to the people...
Read full storyCoe spills beans on Olympic Mascot
LONDON, UK - 4/6/07 - Lord Coe, ebullient with the success of the 2012 Olympic Logo, today showed this lucky reporter a sneak preview of the Olympic's mascot - Fingy the Finger.
Read full storyTwo of Santa's Reindeer on the Lam
North Pole - Today Santa's Little Helper Gazette reported that two of Santa's reindeer have escaped the North Pole Toy Factory and Compound and are on the lam. "Donner and Blitzen have escaped," shouted Santa Claus above the clatter, as he t...
Read full storyMan Attacked By Hamster
Armed police were called to a house in Evesham today after a man was attacked by a crazed escaped hamster.
Read full storyPolice investigate strange lights downtown
After two uninterrupted weeks of rain and overcast skies, the Dallas Police Department has responded to dozens of reports of strange light above downtown's tallest buildings.
Read full storyAliens Make Galactic Mistake in Probe Placement
Backwater, TN - Aliens from the planet ~Frdcfvbflbmt! today admitted a massive mistake when they accidentally inserted a standard-issue redneck anal probe into a host's mouth.
Read full storyBush, Putin to settle international differences with drinking contest
Washington D.C. - At the upcoming G-8 summit in Heiligendamm, Germany, President Bush and and Russian President Vladimir Putin have set aside an evening that they claim will settle a number of sensitive issues separating the two countries.
Read full storySwedish Porno Industry Used Audio in movies from Women's French Open
Gammalsvenskby, Sweden - In an early dawn raid today, Swedish police seized hundreds of hours worth of audio recordings from the Women's French Open at dozens of Swedish porno companies. Suspecting the audio recordings were made just as recent as...
Read full storyMan in Trench Coat Is Arrested at Women's French Open, Again
Paris, France - Police arrested a yet another man dressed in a tan ankle length trench coat in attendance at the French opening today. However, this one wore it in an apparent attempt to conceal sophisticated audio recording equipment he was carrying...
Read full storyDick Cheney To Run For President
Washington Toast - It was reported today, according to TheSpoof.com's usually unreliable sources, that Vice President Dick Cheney has decided to run for President of the United States, suggesting the other chicken liver candidates were second str...
Read full storyEaster Island Statue Begs for Somebody to Scratch his Nose
EASTER ISLAND (AP Newsliar) -- Breaking a seven hundred year long vow of silence, Matumanaraku -- one of the giant "moai" statue heads found throughout Easter Island -- pleaded for somebody to scratch his nose.
Read full storyPutin vows to nuke Europe if Pope Ratzinger is outed as his dad
Moscow - (Ass Mess): An increasingly paranoid Vlad 'The Impaler' Putin has threatened to 'nuke the shit' out of Europe if the CIA outs Pope Josef Ratzinger as his father and nails him for the 1982 murder of God's Bank Roberto Calv...
Read full storyCompany reduces carbon footprint using stilts
As concern for the environment grows, and the impacts of climate change are becoming increasingly alarming, businesses everywhere are looking for new ways to offset their 'carbon footprint' and some are taking drastic measures to reduce their...
Read full storyCPS tells cash-for-honor cops: "Go get the bastard!"
Whitehall - (Ass Mess): The Crown Prosecution Service has told the Metropolitan Police Fraud Squad to 'go nail that bastard Blair' after scrutinising the dossier of cash-for-honors evidence against him, his blind trust portfolio bagman Lord L...
Read full storyBob Woolmer 'Definitely' Not Murdered
Bob Woolmer, the Pakistan cricket coach murdered in Jamaica, then 'unmurdered', was 'definitely' not murdered, say police officers from Scotland Yard. The announcement comes after several weeks of poking and prodding at Woolmer's corpse, by so-cal…
Read full storyRev. Fullafit Speaks
In a bizarre speech delivered from a Manhattan street corner to passing strangers this week, the Rev. Cotton Fullafit said the following:...
Read full storyRudy Giuliani to give Ron Paul the Finger
Prediction: Rudy gives Ron Paul the Finger.
Read full storyGorby and JK Rowling in Charity Gala
A gilttering array of stars attended a Gala evening hosted by former Russian communal President Mikhail Gorbachev. The event was held to raise funds in aid of the charity namede after Gorbachev's late wife.
Read full storyDavid Beckham Could Represent USA at World Cup - Bending the Rules Like Beckham
Soon to be LA Galaxy star, David Beckham, who made a decent comeback for England against Brazil, could amazingly be running on to the field for the USA at the next World Cup.
Read full storyLiverpool Fans The Worst In Europe - Report
Liverpool supporters are the subjects of a damning report by European football's governing body which says they are the worst in Europe. UEFA claims that Reds fans cause more trouble than those of any other club, and have hinted that, should they qua...
Read full storyNew Gig for Saddam Hussein: Satan's Court Jester
FIFTH CIRCLE OF HELL (AP Newsliar) -- Deposed Iraqi president Saddam Hussein, executed on December 30, 2006 for crimes against the people of Iraq, has been selected for a new role as Satan's official court jester.
Read full storyMemoir says Hillary's lover Vincenzo Fosterini was 'assassinated by Tenet'
Washington - (Ass Mess): A new biography about Hillary Clinton says that her former law partner Vince Foster was assassinated by ex-CIA top spook George Tenet on orders from President George Bush Senior.
Read full storyBush triumph at completing jigsaw in twelve months
Washington - (Ass Mess): President George Bush was reported to be 'thrilled and amazed' after completing a jigsaw puzzle that wife Laura gave him for his 60th birthday that depicted the couple's two pooches Barney and Miss Beasley.
Read full storyBlair unveils London 2012 Olympic swastika logo
London - (Ass Mess): UK Prime Monster Tony Blair has unveiled the official London 2012 Oympic logo in the 'style and title' of a Nazi swastika.
Read full storyBill Gates is Skint!
The financial markets of the world are bracing themselves for an economic nosedive into depression as Bill Gates revealed on Monday he actually has no money.
Read full storyFormer Royal Butler Burrell to release more Memorabilia
Former Butler to Princess Diana Paul Burrell has announced the latest additions to his growing range of Diana themed merchandise.
Read full storyBin Laden Uses Most Terroristic Tactic Yet!
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Crawford, TX - Bin Laden, staying at the president's Crawford Ranch, is using his most destructive terrorist tactic yet! He's NOT attacking America. This is causing the biggest collapse in the Bush administration sinc...
Read full storyUFO Mind Control by Billy Bob
Me, Roger, & the boys went down to tha crik and burned a cross fer George Dubbya last night. We nailed a life sized effa... effe... affe... dummy of Ron Paul on it afore we lit it. Aftur it went out, we saw one of them real live UFOs! I think I was aducted cause I been fergittin things, specially when I smoke one of them funny cigarettes what mah son brings home frum school.
Read full storyQueen Upset By Frankie Dettori's Swearing Fit
In the second major 'bad language' incident of the weekend, Frankie Dettori, the National Hunt jockey, upset the Queen with a hail of F-words immediately after winning the Epsom Derby...
Read full storyBig Brother 'Bibble-Babblers' Bibble-Babble Bibble-Babble All Weekend Long
After the excitement of the lone male housemate, Ziggy, entereing the Big Brother house on Friday night, it was a case of bibble-babble bibble-babble all weekend long.
Read full storyKISS Releases New Album
As you know, we were the first to break the news about talk show legend Larry King joining the rock band KISS as keyboardist and vocalist. Now we are pleased to bring you news that the band has finished recording its newest album, entitled, Not...
Read full storyMale Enhancement Cream Recalled
The federal government's Food and Drug Administration announced today that the popular product known as M.O.E. Cream is being recalled by its manufacturer.
Read full story"Fat Chance" New Reality Game Show
Anathema Telecommunications has just announced that a new reality game show will air this fall. Entitled Fat Chance, the show will feature morbidly obese contestants, competing for the chance to receive free liposuction.
Read full storyCheney Arrested in latest D.C. Drive-by Shooting
Washington D.C. police announced that they have arrested Vice President Dick Cheney on charges of taking part in the crime ridden city's latest drive-by shooting.
Read full storySuper Fast Cell Phone Cooled with Liquid Nitrogen
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - The nitrogen cooled super high speed cell phone by Cingurizon features a quadruple core 31.9 Thz processor which allows those with super fast fingers to text away to their heart's content while watching movies in stereoscop...
Read full storyReagan Turns Over in Grave
A spike in seismic activity in Southern California yesterday morning has been determined to have actually been former United States President Ronald Wilson Reagan turning over in his grave.
Read full storyFormer Mafia Kingpin Jimmy "The Rat" Manella Assassinated
The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) announced today that noted organized crime figure turned informant Jimmy 'The Rat" Manella* has been assassinated.
Read full storyKevorkian Released From Prison
Jack Kevorkian, the so-called "suicide doctor", was released from prison today, after serving eight years for assisting a Michigan man in ending his own life.
Read full storyDisneyworld site of controversial new ride
In spite of recent injuries on some of its rides and the deaths of several patrons in the past few years, Disney announced yesterday that it plans to go ahead with plans to open a controversial new ride this summer at its amusement park in Orlando, F...
Read full storyParis Hilton IQ Test is Negative
A spokesperson for hotel fortune heiress Paris Hilton announced today that the results of her I.Q. test have come back and the results are hardly surprising. According to the spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous, Ms. Hilton tested negative f...
Read full storySith Lord Cheney?
A former aid to Vice President Dick Cheney, speaking under condition of strict anonymity, stated that Cheney turned to the so-called 'dark side' of the Force years ago, in the early 1970s, when he worked in the Nixon administration.
Read full storyTB Infected Lawyer Declared Enemy Combatant
Andrew Speaker, the lawyer infected with a medication-resistant strain of tuberculosis, has been declared an enemy combatant and remanded to the custody of the Department of Defense, according to a Bush administration official, who spoke to this repo...
Read full storyTony Tiger Serial Killer?
Tony Tiger, the beloved feline ambassador of Frosted Flakes, has been arrested and charged with twenty-seven counts of first-degree murder. Tiger, it appears, had been keeping a deep, dark secret from the world. He was a serial killer.
Read full storyCoastal Residents Flee Inland After FEMA Announcement
A spokesperson for the Federal Emergency Management Administration (FEMA) announced today that the federal agency is "adequately prepared" to assist victims of what meteorologists predict will be a very active hurricane season.
Read full storyQueen Elizabeth Eats Rat
In response the eating of a Corgi dog, which was itself a reaction to Prince Phillip killing a fox, Queen Elizabeth II has entered the fray by publicly eating a rat.
Read full storyNew Mental Illness Identified
A spokesperson from the World Psychological Association announced yesterday that a new mental disorder will be added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, which is the guidebook clinicians use in assigning mental illness diagnoses.
Read full storyBush Suffers Near-Fatal Orgasm
President George W. Bush suffered a near-fatal orgasm this afternoon while attending to his duties in the Oval Office, according to doctors who are treating him.
Read full storyExcessive Masturbation Leads to Growth of Extra Finger
While masturbation may not lead to blindness or the growth of hair on one's palms, as people have been told for hundreds, likely thousands of years, excessive masturbation appears to be linked to the growth of an extra digit on the primary hand u...
Read full story