Bob Woolmer 'Definitely' Not Murdered

Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 4 June 2007

image for Bob Woolmer 'Definitely' Not Murdered
Jamaican police today

Bob Woolmer, the Pakistan cricket coach murdered in Jamaica, then 'unmurdered', was 'definitely' not murdered, say police officers from Scotland Yard.

The announcement comes after several weeks of poking and prodding at Woolmer's lifeless corpse, by so-called experts called in when Jamaican police panicked and realised they didn't know Bob's arse from his elbow.

Detectives from the Yard flew back into Heathrow airport yesterday with lovely suntans, and immediately held a Press conference. Forensic officer, Det. Sgt. CS High, told reporters:

"We have looked long and hard into this case. Apart from the suspicious marks around Mr Woolmer's throat, we can find no evidence of foul play. It is our considered opinion, therefore, that Mr Woolmer was 'definitely' not murdered, and that Jamaica has some lovely beaches."

Jamaican authorities are thought to be pleased with the outcome. Tourist figures for the summer had stalled, but this verdict could spell better times ahead for their holiday industry.

Although Mr Woolmer was not murdered, it remains unclear as to how his met his death. Numerous theories have sprung up including 'death by cricket', 'boredom', 'lbw', 'run out' and 'natural causes', but, whatever the case, say the local police, he was 'definitely' not murdered.

Constable Shabba Ranks summed it up when he said:

"The case is closed, mon."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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