EASTER ISLAND (AP Newsliar) -- Breaking a seven hundred year long vow of silence, Matumanaraku -- one of the giant "moai" statue heads found throughout Easter Island -- pleaded for somebody to scratch his nose.
"Hey, you!" he shouted. "Hey reporter guy, you with the camera and notebook! C'mere and scratch my nose for me, please! PLEASE, I'm fucking BEGGING you!"
"I'm buried up to my fucking neck here," he went on. "It ain't gonna scratch itself, now get over here! Please, oh fucking PLEASE! Holy Mother of God, will somebody just SCRATCH! MY! FUCKING! NOSE!"
Matumanaraku continued: "Oh, you stupid fucking seagull, if you shit on my head one more time, THAT is fucking ALL SHE WROTE for you, bucko."
Unfortunately, all the statue's entreaties were spoken in an ancient proto-dialect of the long extinct Old Rapanui language, which passersby -- including the seagull -- could not understand.