Mrs Slocombe Died Of Broken Heart
In a biography to be published tomorrow (Harpers & Connings, £29.95, and to be serialised in the Daily Fail for no extra cost) famed department store salesperson, Mrs Doris Slocombe, has revealed the secret romance that contributed to her recent...
Read full storyKatie Price admits she's been well ridden since leaving Peter
The Katie Price/Peter Andre saga moves on yet another step with the admission by Katie Price that she has had some really good rides since her split, or to give its official title, 'publicity stunt', from Peter André. In a frank interview with a m...
Read full storyBargis Tryhol, Agent 004 - Chapter Four
"Why that's a mighty fine big cock you have there Bargis," said CIA Agent Bitters. "And that's a lovely big pair of breasts you have there, Agent Bitters. If I may be so bold..." Agent Bitters turned away from the parrot cage and popped the chicken breasts into a skillet. "Bargis," she reminded him. "Y'all can't fight international terrorists without fried chicken in yo belly." "I know that,"...
Read full storyHanging Is Back - And In Public!
In a shock move to restore popularity, Government Ministers have announced the re-introduction of capital punishment. The Home Secretary has taken it upon himself, under the Prevention of Terrorism Act, to bring back the rope. "I mean, we can get...
Read full storyEcclestone Up Mosley's Arse
Further damning evidence that Formula 1 is rife with perverts, fascists and small old men with stupid hair, stupid glasses and lots of stupid money, has been exclusively revealed in this Sunday's News Of The World. Undercover reporters unconvinci...
Read full storyNew Zealand Mile High Airways in naturist safety video caper
Auckland - (Naked Ass Mess): As the naturist travel boom continues unabated innnovative Auckland carrier New Zealand Mile High Airways has issued a passenger safety video filmed entirely in the nude. Dressed only in specks of native body paint cab...
Read full storyTuesday's lunar eclipse nemesis for Harry Potter hoaxer JK Rowling
London - (Rioters): Tuesday's world premiere of Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince will take place under the wickedly deceptive forces of the eclipsed Capricorn full moon, children's stories hoaxer JK Rowling has been warned. The former IRA...
Read full storyJordan Chandler to release explicit Jackson video
Los Angeles - (ReUterus): For the last sixteen years Jordan Chandler's attorneys have kept locked down explicit home video footage of the thirteen year old and Michael Jackson 'playing doctors and nurses' at Neverland Ranch. But the padlocks are f...
Read full storyArtificial DNA creates smart alloys
(Seattle) Advanced placement University of Washington freshman Bart Sampson's first contribution to science was his easy-to-build generator that saps energy from radio and other airwaves now powering his neighborhood's block. After initial attempt...
Read full storyE.T. Arrested After Phoning Home
Brainless burglar Eric Twatt was arrested this evening after he burgled a neighbour's house, and whilst in the commission of the crime, used his victim's land line to call his mum to ask what was for tea. Police officers made a call to the service...
Read full storyBill Bailey's Face Goes Wrong
Images of a rather deformed looking Bill Bailey after some nips and tucks have leaked all over the internet. The comedian has undergone some plastic surgery, and has tried to hide himself from the public eye until his face has properly healed befo...
Read full storyNorth Korea Fires Seven Ballistic Missiles at U.S.A.
In a protest of Americans celebrating their Independence Day, North Korea fired seven ballistic missiles at the United States on July 4th. None of the targeted missiles hit the United States, as all fell harmlessly into the Sea of Japan after only f...
Read full storyLondon Banks Hit By Kamikaze Plane Attacks
London's banks were braced for another round of Kamikaze plane attacks today as bankers sought new ways to negotiate large bonuses. Arselicker Darling condemned the 'Kamikaze' bankers today. "These chaps are out of order. Don't they know that ther...
Read full storyLee Greenwood to Change Lyrics to God Bless the U.S.A.
Country singer Lee Greenwood has announced plans to change the lyrics to his hit song "God Bless the U.S.A.." The song was originally released in 1980 and is a patriotic theme song that is played at sporting events and on national holidays all acros...
Read full storyLabour Pride March Brings London Traffic To A Halt
The annual Labour Pride march took place in London today. Gaydon Broon led his party through the streets of London. "We are marching because we are in the minority and we want more people to come out of the closet and vote for us." The Queen of th...
Read full storyJoe Jackson Gives a Whuppin to TheSpoof.com Writers
Los Angeles - Joe Jackson was arrested yesterday after causing a disturbance in a local Circuit City outlet in Encino. Store manager Tommy McKinnon says Mr. Jackson entered the story visibly angry and demanded to see TheSpoof.com writers Chamone,...
Read full storyMichael Jackson's secret girlfriend revealed!
NEVERSAYNEVERLAND, HOLLYWOOD: The identity of Michael Jackson's Mystery girlfriend has been revealed. Earlier Michael Jackson's former bodyguard had told news media that Michael had a secret girlfriend that he met in secret and wanted to keep se...
Read full storyGovernor Palin Offers to Host Michael Jackson's Memorial Service
Now that Alaska's Governor Sarah Palin has tendered her resignation, one of her last official acts has been to offer to host Michael Jackson's memorial service now that Los Angeles reneged. The announcement was made at her weekly press conference he...
Read full storyAndy Murray Attributes His Wimbledon Loss to Susan Boyle
With the hope of becoming the first Briton in over 70 years to reach the finals of Wimbledon, the Scottish tennis sensation Andy Murray has got as far as the semi-finals. The 21-year-old Murray was playing American, Andy Roddick for a place in the fi...
Read full storyLos Angeles/Hollywood Refuse Michael Jackson Funeral: Too Expensive
Citing a lack of financial resources, the mayors of Los Angeles and Hollywood have reneged on their offer to host the Michael Jackson Memorial Service and Funeral. At a noon press conference held at Los Angeles City Hall, Mayor Horatio Castaneda...
Read full storyRumor: Sarah Palin Pics In Playboy Cause Of Retirement
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin abruptly announced this Friday that she is resigning from office at the end of the month, a shocking move that rattled the Republican party but left open the possibility she would seek a run for the White House in 2012.
Read full storyMatador Takes Bull By The Horns
Chlamydia, Espana - Amazing events here in Chlamydia Del Sol, as legendary Matador Enrique De Los Locos brought a whole new dimension to the sport of bullfighting. With the late Ernest Hemingway looking on from the stands, and in blazing sunshine,...
Read full storyStories from my head.
A young man in his early teens is at a local store. He's holding up a can of pre-cooked sausages at eyes length and straining to read the fine print, obviously with some difficulty. We'll call him Tom. Across the isle is a woman in her late 40s or early 50s. She's not got much time left and knows it. A half-smoked ciggerette hangs losely between her pale fingers. We'll call her Lucy. A littl...
Read full storyA mother's tears as Cherie pleads for Pentagon hacker McKinnon
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Top IRA thugette Cherie Blair has pleaded with the Pentagon to halt the deportation of her firstborn bastard Gary McKinnon. The 39 year old Londoner broke into top secret US military computer terminals on the pr...
Read full storyWhere to Hide That Person You Just Kidnapped
Okay, so you've done the deed and kidnapped that person you've been captivated by. If you had thought far enough ahead you probably wouldn't have done it in the first place, but now that it isdone, where in the heck are you going to keep them? Don't despair! These simple suggestions may help: Avoid the obvious! You didn't really think you could keep them in the trunk of your car, did you? That'...
Read full storySales of Gold Coffins Soar
After the announcement that King of Pop, Michael Jackson, is to be buried in a gold coffin, an American manufacturer has admitted that they can no longer keep up with the supply. Sir Ian Ternment of Luxury Coffins PLC said that his staff were work...
Read full storySir Paul McCartney: I Died In The Late '60's & It Wasn't This Circus
Sir Paul McCartney, when asked about the death of pop star, Michael Jackson, said he wasn't altogether sure it wasn't just a publicity stunt. "Remember, you're talking to an expert. I died back in the late Sixties. But did I put on a freak show li...
Read full storyFDA Recommends Deviled Eggs Recipe Attributed To O. B. Laden Should Be Avoided
Washington, DC The Food and Drug Administration has issued a warning that a Deviled Eggs recipe making the rounds through email should be avoided at all costs. The recipe is said to contain many ingredients and preparation instructions that could be...
Read full storySir Alex shocks the footy world by signing Owen, Gazza, Zidane, Cantona, Maradona, Robbo, Keano, etc.
Sir Alex revealed his new shock signings to the worlds footy press, not only has he signed veteran invalid Michael Owen but he also flabbergasted the football world by naming several other footy Icons who will relight the dimming lights at the "Theat...
Read full storyManchester Academy Bans Underarm Hair
Parents were up in arms today when a child was sent home from the Manchester Academy for having underarm hair. The hair was discovered during a routine swimming lesson, when the boy was spotted by a teacher during the backstroke. "This is unacc...
Read full storyCon-farce North
The Conference North has been made a laughing stock in the world of football (soccer) today when it was revealed before the season kicked off that it is extremely likely nobody would be relegated for on the pitch performances. Northwich Victoria a...
Read full storyA Miley Cyrus Rip-Off Tops MTV Latin Award Nominations
Teenage pop star Riley Cyprus, a rip-off of Miley Cyrus, tops the nominations for the MTV Video Music Awards Latin America in Mexico City. The 16-year-old native of UK is competing in five categories including "Best Video" and "Artist of the Year"...
Read full story'Women's tennis not a laughable sport' claim Williams sisters
The sport of ladies' tennis is not a joke, claimed the two Williams sisters, who always do everything together, including playing Grand Slam finals with one another. 'Look, smarty pants', Venus Williams said to this reporter, 'just because women's...
Read full storyBeyoncé Malaysia Controversy 2, Covers Michael Jackson's "Ben"
Beyoncé has rescheduled the August 1 concert that was originally planned for Malaysia - but canceled amid protests - and will perform instead in Pakistan on that day, Reuter reports. The Malaysia show was nixed last week amid protests by local Mu...
Read full storySarah Palin - Iceberg Scandal Reflects Poorly On CIA
Vancouver, BC - Officials from both Russia and Canada are meeting in Vancouver to try to figure out a way of preventing that silly little person, Sarah Palin, from ever getting out of Alaska again. It is not clear if they are working on the advic...
Read full storyA Future without toilet paper
Recent studies suggest a future in which the use of absorbant rolls of disposable paper will no longer be required. For years, scientists have been developing new ways of making toilet paper more effecient at it's job but at the end of the day, i...
Read full storyBacon Tested for Deadly Flu
Imports of lean bacon from Scandinavia were suspended today as reports confirmed that the bacon was suffering from the Danish variant of swine flu. Three customers contacted the lead importer, when their bacon developed a high temperature and blis...
Read full storyNorth Korea Resumes Anti-Whale Missile Activity
SEOUL, South Korea - North Korea unveiled its latest Cold War technology today, launching yet another attack against whales in the Sea of Japan as the United States and South Korea closely monitored the attempted slaughter. US sources say satellit...
Read full storyChinese Hackers Corner Market On Jackson Staples Center Tickets
Beijing, China - Chinese-based internet hackers have cornered the market on tickets to the Staples Center Jackson Memorial show and there's nothing anyone can do about it. This is the message given the media from the Los Angeles police. Although...
Read full storyMegan Fox spotted buying sack of Silicone
Transformers beauty Megan Fox was spotted buying a large sack of silicone on her way home from a meeting with a mystery man today. The foxy star(excuse me - bleurrrgggghhh vomit)was seen leaving a building that looked like a hospital and shaking h...
Read full storyThe Boiler is broken and somebody needs to fix it
A spoof website has mistakenly interpreted a comment made by a homeowner about his boiler needing to be repaired and printed it as a headline on the TheSpoof.com. Barry Jones' wife, Debra Joanne Jones,83, shouted down the stairs to her husband tha...
Read full storyWill Sarah Palin run for President? Alaska
The sexy Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, today announced she was resigning her position to 'spend more time with my family'. This, of course, is politico-speak for being blackmailed out of office, and the summer of 2009 has seen record numbers of Br...
Read full storyEx-GM CEO to replace ousted pope
The Vatican. He used to oversee the giant company that produced American icon cars such as Chevrolet, Pontiac, Cadillac and GMC trucks, but ousted General Motors chief Rick Waggoner will now be the spiritual leader of the world's 1.3 billion Catholic...
Read full storyPerez Hilton puts hit out on Black Eyed Peas Singer
Whiny website owner Perez Hilton has put a hit out on the Black Eyed Pea's star Will.I.am after the singer's minders punched the effeminate shit-stirrer in the nose. Hilton vowed revenge after the scuffle and immediately got in contact with his Ru...
Read full storyElizabeth Taylor to play Michael Jackson in film
Michael Jackson's long-time friend Liz Taylor has said that she will play the part of the now deceased king of Pop in a biopic of the stars life. Taylor, 153, said she was the only one who could portray the sick fuck correctly. English director...
Read full storyKerry Katona knickers split up the crotch
Bastard fuck-wit publicist Max Clifford has told the media to give to breathing space to his troubled client Kerry Katona after she split her knickers while doing the weekly shopping. Clifford went on to tell anybody who was bothered listening - a...
Read full story"The End of the World is Nigel" named as worst punning book title
A literary group has drawn up a list of book titles with pun-filled titles and chosen "The End of the world is Nigel" by Steven Fry as the worst. The book is another unfunny novel by Fry in which he attempts once again to show the World how much o...
Read full storyKidman's 'fertility water' ousts Madonna from top nutjob slot
Kununurra, Australia - (Hogwash Mess): Move over Madonna, your psychobabbling Kabbalah Water days are over. That's the crystal clear message from actress Nicole Kidman whose miraculous fertility has been attributed to skinny-dipping in an Ozzie...
Read full storyMurray out of Wimbledon; Jackson sends his condolences
Andy Murray, the first Briton for 80 years with any real chance of winning the men's singles championship at Wimbledon, has lost in the semi-finals. And, in a heart-warming gesture, Michael Jackson, the dead King of Pop, has sent a message to the pr...
Read full storyUnknown Life Form in North Carolina Sewer To Perform Nessun Dorma At Michael Jackson Memorial
Los Angeles, CA - Youtube sensation Unknown Life Form In North Carolina Sewer has been asked to perform 'Nessun Dorma' at the Michael Jackson Memorial service this coming Tuesday at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. The announcement was made by Jack...
Read full storyThe Joy Of Sax
Many couples write to me asking how they can maintain a happy and healthy relationship. I tell them about the Joy of Sax. I first discovered the Joy of Sax when Dr Alex Comfort-Break showed me his horn. He said that if you played a tune on your horn life would never be dull again. And he was right. Get your partner to wrap their lips around your reed. Get them to give you a blow. a good big blo...
Read full storyCrystal Defanti Points Out Horse Penis on Class Fieldtrip
SACRAMENTO, CA - Teacher Crystal Defanti shocked students of Isabelle Jackson Elementary school today when, on a fieldtrip to a Sacramento, California area farm, she made "highly inappropriate" references to the genitalia and behavior of farm animals...
Read full storyF1 Boss "Hitler Was Right"
Formula 1 boss Bernie Midget has shocked the sport by praising Adolf Hitler. "These days politicians just talk. Hitler got things done. He was a strong leader. It's just that he got a bit mixed up and got lost. Democracy has not achieved anything. Wh...
Read full storyThe Trouble With Tennis
Tennis has a problem. Like rugby union, and football, and motor racing it has become dull and predictable. Gone are the days when some aristocratically dressed chap, wearing plus-fours and a Tam o' Shanter hat,or woman in an ankle length billowing...
Read full storyCalling 999 "A Waste Of Time"
Residents in South Yorkshire have complained that calling 999 for Police assistance is sometimes a complete waste of time. Graham Roope complained "My pet hamster, Harry the Hamster, escaped from his cage and went under the floorboards in the bathroo...
Read full storyTeen Vampires Object to Religious Symbols At Graduation Ceremonies.
Hoboken, New Jersey-In what has become an increasingly common ritual, teenage vampires here have filed suit in federal court seeking to forestall what they say could spell certain doom: the requirement that they attend graduation ceremonies in church...
Read full storyVisa Checks "Total Disaster" Say Tories
Visa checks carried out by the UKBA are a total disaster. This is the verdict of Chris Greything, Shadow Minister for Immigration Type Matters. "There are just two blokes in a shed in Shrewsbury. They are having to check 100 million applications from...
Read full storyJackson Body To Go On Show At Waxworks
The whole world today rejoiced in the news that the Jackson family have agreed to put Michael 'The King Of Pop' Jackson's body on show in the famous waxworks. As the news spread quickly that the family had decided against having the body melted do...
Read full storyIOU rush sweeps nation
SACRAMENTO, CA - According to banking officials here, Arny, The Terminator, Schwarzegreeder has recently paid abrupt visits to the heads of several banks. In these visits he holds fistfuls of IOUs. After yelling "Take this!" he says, "I'll be baak"...
Read full storyLA Dodger "Mammy" Ramirez: "Can't Eswing Right!"
LA Dodger and All Star slugger Manny Ramirez has returned to the major league line up after a fifty game suspension for violating the Performance Enhancing Drug ban in pro baseball. Ramirez actually tested positive for a female sex hormone often used...
Read full storyGov. Sarah Palin To Resign Says She Needs More Time To Hunt
WASILLA, Alaska - In an unbelievable move that surprised even her own husband, Governor Sarah Palin has announced that she will be resigning her Alaskan governorship effective July 26. Many political pundits believe that Gov. Palin is positioning...
Read full storySarah Palin Resigns From McCain Campaign, Governorship and Russian Surveillance Squad
In golly gee whiz shocking news, the really neato and nifty character who came to the fore during John McCain's comic run for the Presidency, Sassy Sarah Palin has announced in dramatic fashion that she will no longer be McCain's running mate, Alaska...
Read full storyPosh Spice and David Beckham Washed Ashore in Oily Spill
David and Posh Beckham were found early this week washed ashore on a shipyard dock, apparent victims of a disastrous oil spill. The sleek shapely bodies of the paparazzi's favorite pair lay seemingly lifeless sprawled upon a dock rope. Like the worst...
Read full storyItalian Aswimmer Flavia Zoccari Esuspended for Gas Powered Esuit
Italian Eswimmer Zoccari was motoring along to a big win the 400 when all of asudden her estate of the art eswim esuit esprung a leak. Actualy a rtremendous hole appeared to blown in the rear end of Flavia's flotation device. As the em-bare-asse...
Read full storyRon Artest Signs With The World Champion Los Angeles Lakers
QUEENS, New York - One of the NBA's premier defenders Ron Artest has just signed a three-year $18 million contract to play for the world champion Los Angeles Lakers. When Artest's agent Vinnie "The Mouthpiece" Paffalino first told him about the of...
Read full storyCrappy Spoof Writer Writes Piece of Shit Spoof Knock-off Featuring Adam Lambert that's More Popular than Snappy Spoof Story Idea He Stole
A crappy spoof writer, who will not be named, has been writing shitty spoof stories on TheSpoof.com that are very similar to extremely clever spoof stories by superior writers, and is getting almost as many - and sometimes even more - hits. "As lo...
Read full storyBradford Factory Scuppered
A Bradford factory, which once used a convoluted method of calculating employee absence from the workplace has finally been scuppered by plucky employee Arturo Scargillo, a trades union member who decided to take them on at their own game when threat...
Read full storyPalin to Start TV Ministry
Sarah Palin has decided to become a televangelist, say reliable sources close to the retiring Alaska governor. "She hopes to build a Christian TV empire of the size that Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker once had. Except the governor's won't keep two s...
Read full storyChace Crawford Is Being Labeled a Super Genius
Not only is Chace Crawford handsome and stunning but he is also being labeled a genius by some observers after showing signs of extreme intelligence by deciding to have three male children out of wedlock through the use of a surrogate mother. Cr...
Read full storyThe Joy of Reading
According to the National Center for Education Statistics (NCES), which is the primary federal entity for analyzing data relating to education, early reading in children is an invaluable tool with many wide ranging benefits, such as promoting language acquisition and literacy development. Reading will help to prepare young children for school, while providing them with a lifelong educational and...
Read full storyFour New Supreme Court Associate Justices Sworn In
Washington DC: In addition to Sonia Sotomayor, three other nominees of President Obama, namely Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Walters and Joan Rivers will be sworn in as new Supreme Court Associate Justices. The latter three new appointments are only for...
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