The Joy of Reading

Funny story written by Brenda Weiss

Saturday, 4 July 2009

image for The Joy of Reading

According to the National Center for Education Statistics (NCES), which is the primary federal entity for analyzing data relating to education, early reading in children is an invaluable tool with many wide ranging benefits, such as promoting language acquisition and literacy development. Reading will help to prepare young children for school, while providing them with a lifelong educational and enjoyable hobby. Oh, the places they'll go while under the spell of a captivating book! A few simple steps, implemented into their daily routines, is all it takes to promote a lifetime of fulfillment for the entire family.

1. Take Them to The Library!

Most local libraries have a wonderful dedicated childrens reading room, with many age appropriate titles and colorful displays to captivate the young childs imagination. Once the little learners are engrossed in their books, this is an excellent opportunity for mom to slip unnoticed out the emergency exit and head to the local tavern. Countless pleasurable hours can be whiled away over frozen pina coladas, while making suggestive remarks to that yummy barely-legal-age tattooed bartender, who in just the right light, and after you have consumed the proper amount of alcoholic frozen beverages, resembles a young George Clooney. While at the bar, don't forget to slip one of those colorful Drink Specials Menus into your purse to take home to your children. The brightly colored photos of tropical drinks will stimulate the cortex of the childs brain to enhance learning, with the added bonus of introducing new and exotic vocabulary words, such as "tequila" and "slippery nipple".

2. Have Books in Every Room of the House!

The availability of a selection of diverse books in different areas of the home will also help to stimulate the habit of reading in the young child. Have a bookcase or two in the living and family rooms, and perhaps even a stack of books in each bathroom as a reminder to the child to read, read, read. To further motivate the children to read, inform the little darlings that there a few fives spots hidden in the books, and that the money they find can be used at their discretion for candy or video games. This will also help to promote a sense of financial responsibility within the child. The resulting frenzied treasure hunt for the cash will expose the little beasts to an array of varied books, while giving mom plenty of free time to slip into that revealing too-tight leopard print tank top for a refreshing lounge on the deck with a magnum of chardonnay, all the while eyeballing the neighbors shirtless teenage son, as he mows the lawn with his oversize jeans which expose an enticing glimpse of his boxer shorts.

3. Read to Your Children at Every Opportunity!

Reading to a child makes it easier for him or her to develop speech and aids in important vocabulary and pronunciation skills. Get in the habit of reading to your children every day, and also every night at bedtime, or ideally, pay a neighborhood teenager or unemployed vagrant to read to them, since bedtime coincides with the peak activity time on Facebook. These evening bedtime hours are the busiest time on Facebook, and one must constantly monitor the activities of ones several hundred male Facebook Friends. A change of marital status from "Married" to "Single" or "Its Complicated" can occur in a blink of the eye, and one must be ready at all times to seize these opportunities, lest some conniving and scheming woman move in first and lay claim to what could (and should!!) be rightfully yours.

As can be plainly seen, the road to promoting a love of reading and early literacy in children is a simple, yet often overlooked path. By following these few simple steps, your children will soon discover the life long pleasure which reading can give, while greatly adding to the total fulfillment of your life as a woman and a mother. Let reading bring joy to the lives of your children and to you as well!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more