Written by Henman

Saturday, 4 July 2009

image for A Future without toilet paper
No more dissapointing 'roll outs' leaving you stranded with a dirty arse

Recent studies suggest a future in which the use of absorbant rolls of disposable paper will no longer be required.

For years, scientists have been developing new ways of making toilet paper more effecient at it's job but at the end of the day, it all comes down to the fundamentals - shit.

Toilet paper; no matter how absorbant, soft or skin friendly just never meets up to expectations. Thus leaving countless pairs of underwear and jeans ruined with distinct 'poo lines' or 'skidmarks' which are just impossible to get off. Furthermore, only 75% of the time does tissue actually come up with a substantial amount of poo, resulting in minutes (in extreme cases, hours) of stroking, probing and digging by individuals. All this just for a clean bottom?

However, in a future as close as 2010, toilet paper will be replaced by a set of robotic fingers which will come with a built in water sprinkler to enure every last smudge and smiddgin of crap is whiped off your arse. The design, created by Mr. Angus Shittus was the response to a very personal incident which ultimately led to Mrs Shittus filling for divorce. It appears the toilet paper 'ran out' on Mr Angus at a very important family gathering.

The robotic fingers dubbed A.S.S (Angus Shittus Saviours) are currently being mass produced and are scheduled to be in stores by March 2010.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Toilet Paper




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