Where to Hide That Person You Just Kidnapped

Funny story written by Adam Click

Saturday, 4 July 2009

image for Where to Hide That Person You Just Kidnapped
If you're going to hide in an RV park make sure the vehicle you choose matches the others there.

Okay, so you've done the deed and kidnapped that person you've been captivated by. If you had thought far enough ahead you probably wouldn't have done it in the first place, but now that it isdone, where in the heck are you going to keep them? Don't despair! These simple suggestions may help:

Avoid the obvious! You didn't really think you could keep them in the trunk of your car, did you? That's okay for transport, but sooner or later they're going to start making noise back there, and it will probably be just as that nosey cop pulls up to tell you that your tail-light is out.

Tunnels and below-ground bunkers are out as well.Unless you've done some serious gardening in the past, the neighbors are never going to believe that the spoils of your latest mining operations are the beginings of your newest flower bed.

Some people think that hiding in a trailer or RV park is the best solution. But this approach is not without it's problems. The hardest part is trying to blend in. not necessarily for you or your companion, but for your rig!

If all the other trailers are rundown and on their last legs and you come around with your custom Air Stream Deluxe you'll stick out like a sore thumb. On the other hand, don't try and pass for normal with your old school bus in some of these luxury camps that are springing up all over the place. Do a little home work first.

Once you decide on where to go, think about how to get your victim there. You must think creatively if you are ever going to become a success in the human trafficking game.

For starters you might Try the Fed-Ex scheme: Find a good strong refrigerator or freezer box. Tape it up with heavy duty packaging tape. Put the address of your next hide-out on it-you are changing hide-outs frequently I hope-and haul your victim to the nearest UPS store. Try to get there just before closing when the clerks are distracted and anxious to get home. They'll ask fewer questions if you opt for the insurance. Once you're sure the package is on it's way, get out of there fast!

When you get to your next destination look out for any lingering delivery personal. A good sized pit bull should prevent any lollygagging. If the dog doesn't keep them away, your toothless grin and blank stare just might. Above all be courteous but brief. Avoid talking too much, or for too long. There's no telling when that package you've been expecting might suddenly decide to start groaning. He won't believe it's your stomach growling for too long, especially if you've got bits of spinach between your teeth.

Hopefully you've cut off all contact with your family, but if you haven't be prepared for some tough questions about that subdued and/or possibly depressed person standing (or kneeling) next to you at the next family reunion. There's always someone with a long memory at these things who's going to insist that "Cousin Jeffry" never had blonde hair or a scar on his chin the way your new friend does. See what I mean about avoiding family?

Okay so family's out, even if you can trust them to keep a secret. What about neighbors? it's best to avoid them as well. Be polite but not overly friendly. A cheerful "Good morning!" while passing on the street is one thing, a lengthy dissertation on why your "dog" howls that way all night is another.

If they try to ingratiate themselves into your life just remember you're the one with the pit bull and the wild eyed stare. God gave you those gifts for a reason, so use them!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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