Mrs Slocombe Died Of Broken Heart

Funny story written by Blazing Saddle

Saturday, 4 July 2009


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Molly Sudden and John Inman shop for fresh goat

In a biography to be published tomorrow (Harpers & Connings, £29.95, and to be serialised in the Daily Fail for no extra cost) famed department store salesperson, Mrs Doris Slocombe, has revealed the secret romance that contributed to her recent death.

"I was attracted to Johnny Inman from the first dress rehearsal" Molly Sudden reports. "I knew that his well rehearsed act as a mincing pouff was just that - an act".

"When we met, there was electricity and animal magnetism" Ms Sudden reported. "My nipples popped and we had to use gaffer tape to conceal them from the teatime viewer".

"I knew he was a real man from the moment he rogered me senseless behind Captain Peacock's back". She went on "Slocombe - not that day"

Giggling, Ms Sudden (92) recounts the background to Mr Inman's famed catchphrase "I'm free"! Apparently, this was code amongst the cast of Are You Being Served and meant that Inman was not engaged in athletic sex with Sudden and could make the tea.

"You're going to ask about my pussy, aren't you" jokes Ms Sudden. "Well, thereby hangs a tail"!

"My pussy was always there" says Sudden "and if anybody wanted to stroke it or give it milk, they had to reckon with Johnny" said Molly Sudden, who did not appear at Glastonbury and will not fulfil her Glyndebourne engagements this year.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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