NO - we don't want YOU
A picturesque little city of around 50,00, that is nestled in the lush rolling green hills of Central Ohio, recently, after much deliberation, passed legislation that would ban Tattoo Parlors, Pawn Shops, and Heavy Truck and Auto Repair Shops from l...
Read full storyLatest Public Appearance of Pain-Stricken Cheney Brings Joy To Billions
Dick Cheney appeared publicly for the first time today at the dedication of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Houston, TX. The former vice president, looking frail, tired and sickly, gave renewed hope to billions of human beings that his...
Read full storyBrett Favre Hurts Shoulder Texting
Minneapolis, MN - Brett Favre hurt his throwing shoulder while texting a Vikings cheerleader. "I went to hit send on my cellphone and it slipped from hand, and when I tried to catch the phone I felt a tingle in my shoulder." Brett Favre told rep...
Read full storyOprah Winfrey Refuses O'Hare 'Pat Down' - "Nobody Gonna Be Touchin' Dis Sista's Hooha"
CHICAGO - Talk show host Oprah Winfrey was literally fit to be tied as she found herself smack dab in the middle of the TSA "Pat Down" controversy. Winfrey had gone to Chicago's O'Hare Airport to take a flight to Chattanooga, Tennessee, where she...
Read full storyHannity Admits Obama Good for His Ratings
New York - Sean Hannity said that his obsession with Obama is good for his ratings. "People like my obsession for anything Obama because they see a man that is good at blaming others for his own shortcomings. Sure, I never finished college like O...
Read full storyObituaries: Punk Rock
Punk Rock died this week due to commercialisation, aged just 40 years old. Punk Rock was born in the early 70s, and hung around with various bands in its toddler years, such as the Sex Pistols, The Ramones and various others. As the years went by, Punk Rock was accepted by more people during its teenage years, and was the cause of many heated tensions between the police and its friends. Punk...
Read full storyMega-mosque Plans to Be Put on Hold
Plans to build a mega-mosque in London West Ham have had to be put on hold for the time being after it was discovered that the land on which it is to be built, was once the site of a butchers shop. A spokesman for the group who wants to build the...
Read full storyProduction of New Music Cancelled
NEW YORK, L.A. & LONDON - Music publishers and record labels the world over have decided that producing new music will be futile. Music, which has been around since the early days of humanity, has evolved into new styles, however, with globali...
Read full storyDiabolical Plot Uncovered
Bedbug sniffing dogs, during a routine search of the Zawahee Shipping Company warehouse in New Jersey, discovered a shipment of multi-colored greeting card envelopes, destined for the Al Ahamaamad Printing Company. The envelopes were embedded with be...
Read full storyMassive coronary fears as Palace tells Queen: "Pssst, Mark Thatcher is Kate Middleton's real Pa!"
London - (Royal Ass Mess): Spew, vomit, chunder. The sound of constant flushing of the royal ensuite lav has sent Palace lackeys mental as HM battles out raging dyspepsia brought on by the day's grim news. "At this rate she'll have a bloomin hea...
Read full storyScarlett Johansson (ScarJo) Admits She Totally Hates Her Nickname
Scarlett Johansson has a message for all the paps out there, "Stop Calling me ScarJo!" She claims it sounds like she either sports an over abundance of scars or she is the queen of plastic surgery. At any rate she asks, "Can't you come up with someth...
Read full storyTSA Ends Travelers Airport Scanner Concerns: Air Travelers with Petite Breast or Penis Can Now Strap On Fake Body Parts
Washington DC - At a Washington press conference today Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced a alteration in TSA policies calculated to alleviate air travelers airport screening concerns. "We here at the Department of Homela...
Read full storyJunk on Sale at Wal-Mart
Bentonville, AK - Wal-Mart announced their largest junk sale of the season. The hope is that the sale will help them reach a sales goal of $150 billion in sales for this quarter. "We love our products for their short life span and cheap prices."...
Read full storyWills and Kate name Royal Wedding A-List
Clarence House - (Prenup Mess): A glittering array of celebs, WAGS, wannabes and double-barrelled whorsy tosspots will be taking part in Kate and William's nuptials on April 1st next year. Following in Prince Charles' wedding footsteps the marriag...
Read full storyCollege of Psychic Studies channels Diana fury
London - (Hexoplasm): "Five score and ten years the ring be cursed, who'er shall wear it her heart will burst!" The grim words channelled this afternoon belie the full wrath of Diana's hex. College sensitive Miss Stenoria Valvuziadis found her...
Read full storyDiana ring-tone for 'surprised' Kate
Kate Middleton has spoken of her 'surprise' at learning of the existence of a number of messages left by Princess Diana for any future fiancée of William to access as mobile ring tones. The ring tones are said to take the form of several short nug...
Read full storyBeing Eighth Place Goes to Spoofer's Head
BIRMINGHAM - Spoofer Inhopeless, who as of 9.27pm GMT Tue/16/11/10 is 8th place and has over 40 posts on popular satire site TheSpoof.com has let the placement on the board go to his head. "Woo!" he shouted out of his bedroom window in his family'...
Read full storyAmerican Right-Wingers and Fundamentals Decry Britain's Stem Cell Research
GLASGOW, SCOT. & WASHINGTON, D.C. - Today, UK scientists conducted a stem cell trial. However, the Bible Belt aren't happy. Scientists are looking to discover the success rates of stem cells in patients, and today they, without too much contro...
Read full storyTSA XXX: Naked Body Scans Leak Online! Are You One?
It was bound to happen sooner or later, as at least one hundred airport security body scans have made their way online. They began with the heading: We Have Blocked Facials, But Here Are The Best Of The Rest! At least 100 of those scanned in Flor...
Read full storySusan Boyle Relieved About Old Nude High School Pics
A friend of Susan Boyle who may not be a friend for long, says that SuBo was greatly relieved lately to find out that some old nude pics were apparently gone forever and that she did not have to sweat that out again. "She kept thinking about this...
Read full storyBieber Fever Hits British Fans As Justin Bieber On World Tour
The unofficial new King of Pop, according to six million followers at last count, is about to hit the road on a world tour beginning early next year. Since the tour will begin in Britain, be sure to watch for ticket sales as dates are not settled...
Read full storyChristian's House Burned Down in Egypt--Mistaken Identity
Egypt--Local Christian and avid reader, Harry Winkle, lost his house to fire in what officials are calling a case of mistaken identity. "I was walking down the street towards my home, and what do I see. A Muslim man standing in front of my house w...
Read full storyEmma Watson Thought About Car Sales if Harry Potter Didn't Workout
Hollywood--Emma Watson has been saying a lot of strange things lately, and her latest revelations shows that the young actress didn't have a lot of faith in the Harry Potter brand. "I was doing the first Harry Potter movie, and, sure, I was young...
Read full storyThe TSA Says Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, and Kim Kardashian Will Be Exempt From Airport "Pat Downs" Due To Their Celebrity Status
LOS ANGELES - The Transportation Security Administration has issued a departmental directive stating that Hollywood celebrities Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, and Kim Kardashian will all be exempt from having to go through a "Pat Down" security measur...
Read full storyRangel Happy
Washington--Charlie Rangel is happy that he wasn't found guilty on all 13 ethic violations. "12 out of 13 counts of ethic violations means that I am not a bad guy, just an average congressman looking to better himself through the use of his job."...
Read full storyThe Pope is just a bloke
The Pope is just a bloke by Rob Barratt I know the pope is just a bloke Jesus was just a man Mary was no virgin There is no master plan Buddha was a human Homer's wife is Marge Sikhs and gurus do not know who's Overall in charge We all have a birthday Everybody dies No one lives forever Bowyers make pork pies Saints were only people And some of them were sinners In the Roma...
Read full storyBristol Palin of Dancing With The Stars Told To Stop Using The Words "Suck," "Screwed," and "Effed Up" During Her Live Interviews
HOLLYWOOD - The producers of the hit reality show Dancing With The Stars have asked Bristol Palin to please refrain from using trashy words such as "suck," "screwed," and effed up" when she is being interviewed live on television. Bernadette Pende...
Read full storyCameron replaces photographers with CGI specialists
David Cameron is to replace his personal photographer and film maker only weeks after controversially employing them permanently at the tax payers expense, with Computer Generated Image (CGI) specialists, ProCon. All future representations of the...
Read full storyAshton Kutcher And Demi Moore To Star In New Reality Show, "Hey Are We Friggin Messed Up Or What?"
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Tinsel Town's most famous May-December couple Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, who have recently had more ups and downs than the Yo Yo Bro Roller Coaster at the Atlanta Amusement Park, have announced that they will be starring in thei...
Read full storyBerkshire-Hathaway Makes Sweet Bid for Dairy Queen
Shocking Wall Street this afternoon with a surprise announcement over the acquisition of Dairy Queen, America's favorite ice cream franchise, Berkshire-Hathaway plans to bid $2 over DQ's current per-share market price to close the deal as soon as pos...
Read full storyToy pigs banned from UK store, they snort too loud and upset Muslims!
A British high street store has banned all piggies, toys and real one's too! The store, the Easy Learning Centre, thought that by banning piggies it would stop upsetting Muslims and Jews who tend to believe the poor piggy is filthy, dirty, uncouth...
Read full storyTheological Conservatism in the U.S. Catholic Church; "Yikes"
Women's rights and separation of church and state supporters beware, there's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Archbishop Timothy Dolan from New York. At a time when the Catholic church should be mending fences with parishioners over a recurr...
Read full storyFuture News: Dangerous New Drug 'Alcohol' Banned
To be published in 2178 - OBAMA, D.C. (EAST AMERICORP), LOSERDON (EMPIRE OF C4MER0N) - Research scientists at the University of Barack, and the Loserdon University have synthesised a drug called 'alcohol', a chemical found in the fossils of Old Age p...
Read full storyAnal Sex - in Space?!
An amateur astronomer, Jim Plug, has discovered the youngest ever black hole in space. Those interested in anal sex will be excited to learn that the black hole will help us understand how stars explode. Plug let the cat out of the bag after ex...
Read full storyPrince William to marry Kate Middleton, is she a Virgin?
Prince William has announced his plans to marry his long-term girlfriend, Kate Middleton, so what? Well at least the world has some happy news to celebrate and Royal followers will be jumping over the moon. But there is one slight worry about K...
Read full storyPalace warned that Diana's ring is hexed
London - (Portents): "Just what kind of cheapskate refuses to fork out for brand new bling anyway?" disgusted marriage guidance counsellors asked today. "William's determined to spin out that rubbishy old Diana mythology. It could so easily backf...
Read full storyAttention! Urgent Action required to avoid a miscarriage of Justice!
It has come to our attention that one of our loyal public servants, wily old politico Charlie Rangle (Dem. NY) is in a fight for his political life, and unbelievable, he does not have a lawyer to counsel him! "I object to the proceedings… with a...
Read full storyDerek Hough and Jennifer Gray of Dancing With The Stars Break The All-Time "High Five" Record
HOLLYWOOD - Derek "The Dancing Dude" Hough and his partner Jennifer "Little Miss Teardrops" Gray of Dancing With The Stars have just officially broken the all-time television high-five record. With the seven high-fives that they gave each other du...
Read full storyGillian McKeith Broadsided By Buffty Ginslinger For Jungle Histrionics
Skoob Entertainment News supremo Buffty Ginslinger today launched an astonishing broadside at 'You Are What You Eat' star Gillian McKeith after her jungle induced 'fainting' episode on 'I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here.' Speaking from a bus st...
Read full storyRepublicans Decide on Opposing Health Care Reform
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The opposition to the Democrats in America, the Republicans have agreed on a new healthcare plan. The Republicans, who have made it difficult to pass Obama's plan, which will cover nearly all living in America, will announce the...
Read full storyPrince William And Kate Middleton Wedding Off - Shocking U-Turn!
A shocking U-turn today from Clarence House as the announcement was released that Prince William and Kate Middleton are not really getting married after all. The announcement came hot on the heels of an earlier announcement to the effect that the...
Read full storyNick Clegg Tells the Truth
'When I was getting ready to go out this morning,' his wife confided to our reporter, 'and Nick remarked, "It's a nice sunny day outside", I automatically started looking for my umbrella. But then, with a hurt expression, he urged me to look out the window, whereupon, to my astonishment, I saw that it was indeed a nice sunny day.' It was this dramatic breakthrough that encouraged Miriam, with h...
Read full storyKate & Will - Shock Announcement
Kate Middleton and Prince William have provided more information about their forthcoming wedding. The announcement will shock some people and puts in danger Government plans to make us all Happy. The statement reads: 'Kate & Will wish to ma...
Read full storyReid Out - Nevada Gone
Senator Harry Reid announced today that if his state does not reelect him to the Senate, he will do everything in his power to outlaw gambling in Nevada. He stated further, "If Nancy loses her Speakers position, she is going to resign from the House,...
Read full storySoiled Panties Sex Scam Operation Busted
The police were reportedly jubilant today after successfully busting a sex scam operation based in an industrial unit in Acton. Officers - many in full riot gear - burst into the industrial unit at 09:28 this morning and immediately put a stop to...
Read full storyKarzai Overreacts Again
Yesterday in Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai went off his medication and blasted the United States and its allies. In an embarrassing overreaction, he demanded that night raids (about 12 per night) on people's homes be ceased. General Petraeus was u...
Read full storyDouble-Barrel Madness Must Stop Say Registrars
Tired of endless double-barrelled surnames, UK registrars have called for common sense to prevail. A recent trend for both partners in a marriage to keep their family names and put them together is causing complications in the registrars' record k...
Read full storyBizarre: Coronation Street Demonstrations Reach Fever Pitch.
A surge of activity both online and 'on the street' has errupted, as D-Day looms for some of the stars of Britain's greatest archive of modern life, Coronation Street. Viewers have begun petitioning Parliament and staging demonstrations up and dow...
Read full storyQueen to confer new royal title on newlyweds Wills and Kate
London - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): The happy couple are to become the Earl and Countess of Loch Ness, Buckingham Palace has announced. The hereditary title was last used by one of Bonnie Prince Charlie's carpetbaggers but fell into abeyance on hi...
Read full storyNBC Displeased with Ratings, Adds Law & Order Shows to Lineup
Following lukewarm ratings for some NBC prime time offerings, executives at the network have decided to expand on the Law & Order franchise for the remainder of this Fall season and into 2011. Over the last three years, the original Law &...
Read full storyTerrorist Attack? Quick, Scarper! MPs Told.
Members of Parliament and the House of Lords have been told basically to 'leg it,' in the event of a terrorist attack. And security insiders are said to have opened a book on the fastest reactions. An email from Black Rod and the Sergeant at Ar...
Read full storyBollywood astrologers picked Wills/Kate wedding announcement date
Mumbai - (Zodiac Mess): Indian stargazers who picked the date for Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan's nuptial conjunction advised on the timing of today's royal announcement. A resplendent Sun trine Jupiter angle straddling the signs of Scorpio...
Read full storyCarpet and Drapery Companies Merge; Male Customers Excited
Long thought to be an interior decorating problem if the home or apartment owner was looking for a singular Bauhaus or Feng Shui look, the problem was solved last month as Mohawk Carpet and Bush Drapery companies completed their merger. "It was di...
Read full storyEx Guantanamo Bay detainees to help fund Irish bail-out
Around a dozen men left colour blind during an all expenses paid trip to Guantanamo Bay who later went on to accuse the British security forces of colluding in their subsequent torture, are to donate the millions they receive in compensation from the...
Read full storyFury as insiders allege 'Gorgon Brown's son to marry Samantha Cameron's daughter'
London - (Rioters): Royal Protection Racket cops sources said today the pair of seedy lookalikes had finally managed to pull it off. Prince William's doppelganger will wed Kate Middleton's body double after getting the nod from the Palace. Year...
Read full storyQatari 'Fake Shaikh' Emir bankrolls William's royal wedding
London - (Ass Mess): The Qatari ruler's $5 billion bung will pay for next year's royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton. Spoof writer Queen Mudder was first to break the terrible news last month during the Emir's three-fay vanity...
Read full storyKate Middleton's coke-dealer uncle barred from royal nuptials
London - (Reuterus): Gary Goldsmith is banned from next year's wedding after bringing disgrace to the Middleton family name. Last year he was caught by reporters in a classic red top sting after bragging about his 'By Royal Appointment' status.
Read full storyCSI: Miami Fans Excited By Spring Break Slayings
CSI fans - and Channel 5 bosses - are licking their lips in anticipation of tonight's episode. It's 'Spring Break' and Miami is bursting at the seams with party-goers - always tasty targets for murderers in US cop shows. In tonight's episode, H...
Read full storyDestruction: Annual Reading Festival Ruined By Spotty Youths
The United Kingdom Library Association's annual gathering was 'utterly ruined' says their President, Lynnette Nanook, 68. Nanook, who has been President for over 25 years, told us she has never seen such behaviour at a UKLA event in all her days.
Read full storyElton John slams X Factor Contest as "Mind Numbingly, Arse Paralysingly Boring" Before Racing to Bank Royalty Cheques From the X Factor Elton John Weekend.
International superstar was bored out of his mind waiting ages at the Abbey National as the cashier struggled to count all the money. Sir Elton John has lambasted TV song contests after turning down the chance to become a judge on American Idol.
Read full storyHorror: Man Maimed Over Last Rolo Snub
A Worcestershire man has been brutally stabbed in the leg with a fork, after eating his last Rolo, without offering it to his wife of eight years first. The chocolatey caramel treat has long been associated with the ways of love, with their taglin...
Read full storyNAACP calls for boycott of Call of Duty; Black Ops
An enraged spokesperson for the NAACP issued a proclamation today calling for the immediate recall of all copies of the popular video game 'Black Ops'. "When will this cultural racist stereotyping end" he cried in anguish, at one point moved to...
Read full storyHistory Vanishes Shock
Recent advances in technology have been welcomed by the criminal fraternity. Scientists at Imperial College, London have discovered ways of speeding up or slowing down light to give the illusion that events have not happened. Prof Spock announced...
Read full storyFive year old anorexic girl sues all newspapers
Trouble is brewing in the world of newspapers and related print media, that could spell disaster and a possible end to all printed newspapers unless they sign a pledge to undertake a new ethical code of reporting conduct. A five year old anorexic...
Read full storyEar Muffs!! - Mr. Emanuel Goes Back To Chicago
CHICAGO - Former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel officially began his never in doubt quest to become Chicago's next mayor with a stunning hit-the-floor-gunning debut last Saturday before a seemingly wide awake throng of slippery-driven suppor…
Read full storyX Factor Decisions: Spoof Writers To Blame!
In an extraordinary rant an X Factor insider has blamed satirical news site TheSpoof for some of the bizarre decisions that have been made on the show. "You bastards keep giving the crap performers the oxygen of publicity," he said. "Why can't...
Read full storyStudent Protestors arrested
It was hardly Tianaman Square, but as the police had vowed to arrest anyone who committed a crime, as opposed to their usual approach which is to arrest anyone who commits a crime, the ringleaders for the Student Riots at Tory headquarters in London...
Read full storyLocal mans finger goes through toilet paper.
A local man is said to be in a stable condition today after having been pulled from the jaws of almost uncertain death, but very certain need for antibacterial hand wash, following a toilet roll purchase, mix up, type confusion. The young man in q...
Read full storyHarry Potter: The REAL reason Dumbledore had to Die
Now that the seven book trilogy has been completed, it has come to light why Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was killed off before the series was complete. Apparently the character had a showdown with Rowling, demanding to be kil...
Read full storyIrish Stand Up To Euro Bullies: "Are Ye Lookin' Fer A Foight?"
From our stereotypes desk: - Ireland was continuing to defy the rest of Europe this morning, insisting it didn't need to be bailed out by other Euro Zone members. Partners in the zone are concerned that if Ireland's economy collapses it could take...
Read full storyUGG Boots Sales Surpassed by New Line of FUGly Boots
Just when you thought boots couldn't get any uglier, along comes a line of boots that are truly the ugliest boots on the planet. "FUGly Boots," says their maker, Fingdern Smogadenser, "have been described by consumers as looking like two wet, mangy r...
Read full storyConspiracy theories abound after Paul The Octopus's death
Berlin, Germany. Theories are rapidly developing after the death of FIFA World Cup hero, Paul the Octopus. Many people are detecting strange goings on, both before and after his demise. A German journalist has suggested that Paul was taken down by...
Read full storySarah Palin's New Reality Show, "Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska" Is A Big Hit
WASILLA, Alaska - The ex-governor of Alaska Sarah Palin sat out on her front porch at her home on Lake Lucille and told a friend on her cell phone that she was thrilled that the first installment of her new reality show Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska wa...
Read full storyShock results in new sex survey
A shocking new survey has lifted the lid on the sex lives of Brits. After decades of the world thinking that Brits would rather have a cup of Earl Grey than have sex, it now seems we are a race of sexual opportunists with the morals of a politician.
Read full storyMargarito Thanks Pacquiao for Breaking His Face
Despite some internal boxing circle scuttlebutt about Antonio Margarito possibly throwing the fight against the man, the myth, the living legend, Manny Pacquiao, experts at ringside can attest to the ferocity of the event. Margarito in fact, thanked...
Read full storyApple Unable to Play Beatles White Album Backwards
Scoring a musical coup by securing the entire Beatles song catalog, Apple will be releasing individual songs and full album offerings as early as next month, in time for the holiday season. There is a glitch to the functionality when compared to the...
Read full storyGossip for the fans
There is developing news indicating that popular TV drama CSI Miami will be rebadged as What's That Piece of Brain Doing on the Footpath. Producers have felt compelled to change the title for much the same reason that a notorious brand of sandwich sp...
Read full storyRedskins Head Coach Shanahan: "Eagles Darkie QB Much Better Than Ours."
Mike Shanahan finally admitted it: No, not that he is the most famous colored-hating racist in the Washington, DC-Metro Area since Senator Strom Thurmond, but that his team blows monkeys, as proven by the Eagles' 28 point 1st quarter pummeling of the...
Read full storyTobacco Companies Seek Military Contracts to Increase Sales
With expectations for decreases in overall sales in part due to new cigarette packaging with graphic lung pictures, tobacco companies are pitching a new line of products to the U.S. military to shore up those losses. Demonstrating a new line of sm...
Read full storyNew Yorkers Select Mini Cooper for New Cab Platform
Following mayor Bloomberg's appeal to the cab riding public, requests for ideas on an adequate replacement for the Ford Crown Victoria cab standard were met with overwhelming agreement for a bright yellow Mini Cooper in a four door model. Requirin...
Read full storyHangover 2 Features Bill Clinton Playing Bush
Releasing the information about his cameo appearance in the upcoming movie, "Hangover II", Bill Clinton told Entertainment Monthly Magazine that he did in fact, play George W. Bush on a set resembling the Bush ranch in Texas. Though Clinton would...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson Buys an Illegal Bike
In a truly bohemian act of fearless iconoclasm worthy of the pallid Dracula parody that he so gorgeously and hauntingly is (pass my fan, mother, for I am a-swooning), wan, elegantly-wasted Twilight childe-vampyre Robert Pattinson has spent a tastef...
Read full storyWorld Peace Now Possible If United Nations is Armed
NEW YORK CITY - At the Headquarters of the United Nations (UN), all the delegates agreed on a new binding doctrine for everybody on World Peace. Hold your leader to hostage. World peace, an idea thought of during the period between the world wars...
Read full storyNovember 30th Planet Alignment Will Give You Floating Sensation If Lying On Your Bed
Both British and American scientists are excited about what may happen on November 30th during a twelve-hour period that day. "If you lie down flat on your back on your bed, the gravity pull of the sun on the three planets in a line will make you...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Song A Complete Sham!
Now it's not just the Jackson family who say that the just released Michael Jackson song "Breaking News" is not Michael. "It's a dirty sham", stated recording great Smokey Robinson. "That's not Michael. I've had my own recording company for many...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Teaches Beach Bullies A Lesson
It was just released this morning by some bad photography that it was Justin Bieber on a beach recently that was the target of a couple of bullies who grabbed his swimming trunks and pulled them down just as he was getting ready to go into the water.
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