Clarence House - (Prenup Mess): A glittering array of celebs, WAGS, wannabes and double-barrelled whorsy tosspots will be taking part in Kate and William's nuptials on April 1st next year.
Following in Prince Charles' wedding footsteps the marriage ceremony will be held at Slough Crematorium with a reception later at the Herman Goering Memorial Suite of the Nazi Embassy in Windsor.
Best Man will be Prince Harry - who may be deputised by the Jedward brothers if he is so bloody pissed he can't stand up in church, again.
Peaches and Pixie Geldof have been pencilled in as bridesmaids with Cheryl Cole bringing up the rear as Maid of Honor.
The official ushers are listed as ex-News of the World phone hack editor Andy Coulson and Pentagon computer hacker Gary McKinnon.
Charles' and Camilla's Bigamists Anonymous pals will be responsible for the church floral arrangements and for bridesmaids' knickers - er... posies!
The marriage ceremony will be conducted in part via video-link to the Vatican where Prince William's grandfather Pope Joseph Ratzinger will pray hard for no future matrimonial fuck-ups 'like with that wackjob Diana'.
The couple will exchange rings following a ritual hand-washing ablution in crystal healing waters drawn from the Diana Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain.
Lawyers acting for Qatari 'Fake Shaikh' Emir Shaikh Rattel N Roll will draw up the prenup agreement which will see Kate doshed up by $5 million per sprog conceived with her lawfully wedded spouse.
The Qatari ruler has personally bankrolled the entire shindig following BP's share collapse after the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.
The televised ceremony broadcasting rights may go to his Al-Jazeera TV station, famous for its iunabashed Al Qaeda sympathies.
"But whaddahell?" Palace sources chuckled as more wedding announcements are being scheduled for tomorrow.
