Theological Conservatism in the U.S. Catholic Church; "Yikes"

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

image for Theological Conservatism in the U.S. Catholic Church; "Yikes"
Back in the days of original doctrine. Modern eh?

Women's rights and separation of church and state supporters beware, there's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Archbishop Timothy Dolan from New York.

At a time when the Catholic church should be mending fences with parishioners over a recurring history of questionable behavior and a willingness to keep sensitive and sometimes illegal acts swept under the rug, the conference of Catholic Bishops decided to "strike a blow" for traditional orthodoxy with Dolan's selection. No Catholic Church pun intended there.

More conservative than most, Dolan beat out Tuscon Bishop Gerald Kicanas for the job, because Kicanas seemed to be of the opinion that politicians who vote somehow against what could be considered to be church doctrine, didn't mean they should be excluded from church services and sacraments. In the final analysis, Kicanas lost because he merely suggested that the church open a dialog with said politicians to collaborate on these key topics and possibly look for common ground.

Thanks for that. Bridge builder. Moderate. Showing a willingness to open communication lines. Out you go. Careful of the door as it closes behind you. Leave the silly hat.

Numerous examples were cited where the conservative arm of the Catholic Church is becoming more vocal and more hard line than ever when it comes to politics and the interpretation of ancient doctrine. Of course it is based on ancient values and knowledge of the world as we knew it hundreds of years ago. Crafted before the printing press. Much of it before we knew the Earth wasn't flat or that the Sun didn't revolve around the Earth. Good thing those Catholics keep that stuff up to date. Check out those Vatican Guard uniforms.

The shift to fundamentalism almost mirrors efforts by some Middle Eastern countries with stronger relationships between politics and religion. You know who they are. At least in the U.S. women can't be legally stoned to death for a simple infidelity accusation. Truth? Circumstances? Not necessary, only accusation. But the politics do fly from the Catholic pulpit just as fluently and just as hard line.

If the Catholic church wants to really know why so many are bolting from the pews, they should stop asking for advice from celibate 70 year old men. (Well, not all are celibate after all, wink, wink). They should read some of the headlines. They should open up a web browser to see that life has indeed changed. The world actually has a curvature. They should get out of politics and walk away from trying to legislate what a victim of rape or incest can or can't do with their own bodies.

Go ahead and excommunicate them all, for that matter anyone who even dares to open up that line of verbal discourse. You've managed to do it with Bishop Kicanas, why not all dissidents. We hope you enjoy your dwindling little brotherhood of aging dominant males, and parishioners too.

We're all off to become Protestants.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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