Washington DC - At a Washington press conference today Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced a alteration in TSA policies calculated to alleviate air travelers airport screening concerns.
"We here at the Department of Homeland Security can appreciate how people feel," Napolitano said, " about the prospect of full body image scanning or full body pat downs while passing through airport security. We have heard you loud and clear. Today I am happy to announce new procedures designed to address the main cause of customers frustration - embarrassment. We understand that while being groped or scanned at the airport a traveler might be embarrassed because of their tiny body parts. Boobies in the case of a women, or in the case of a man his teeny tiny winkie. We all know passing through security is hard enough without giggles or outright laughter coming from the security personnel."
"I came to understand the import of the embarrassment factor after a frank and honest chat with President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama in their private quarters yesterday," Napolitano continued. "Neither one, it turns out, would want their full body scans splashed all over the internet or Fox News. I mean after the recent election both feel inadequate enough as it is."
"Because of this embarrassment problem today I have instructed the TSA screeners at air ports to keep on hand and to provide to air travelers upon request life like strap-on breasts and penises in various large sizes. Travelers will be able to quickly strap on these UED's, or underclothing enhancement devices, under their clothing prior to being screened. Test runs of the procedure show neither the scanners or TSA employees will be able to tell the difference. The hope is that this will result in a faster screening process. Why? Because hopefully air travelers will stop whining about civil right violations or privacy concerns when their real problems is they were denied by nature the tools necessary to enjoy the benefits of a full and active sex life," Mrs. Napolitano continued.
"As for people who may be a little overweight, such as myself, there are no anticipated procedures that Home land Security can do at this time to help us with our airport anxiety. However yesterday, to get a better grip on this embarrassment problem myself, I participated in a full body scan at Homeland Security headquarters here in Washington. To be honest what I saw was, well, frankly it was frightening," she said. "Perhaps I need to heed my doctors instructions and lay off the late night ice cream."
