Tobacco Companies Seek Military Contracts to Increase Sales

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

image for Tobacco Companies Seek Military Contracts to Increase Sales
Thick Grenade Smoke, Courtesy of Your Local Tobacco Company

With expectations for decreases in overall sales in part due to new cigarette packaging with graphic lung pictures, tobacco companies are pitching a new line of products to the U.S. military to shore up those losses.

Demonstrating a new line of smoke grenades for the tobacco companies, Halliburton has replaced the normal chemical contents of standard issue hand held projectiles with concentrated and treated tobacco leaves. The ignited grenades give off a superior cloud of blue-white smoke, actually thicker than the previous chemical mix. Military testing representative, Sergeant William Garmann says that the smoke grenade is actually quite effective. "We were surprised at the thickness of the cloud, and the way it obscures visibility even in windy conditions".

Though early testing indicated that the grenade did not produce the same shock and fear effects as the normal, foul smelling grenades, the tobacco companies and their own independent testing agencies were quick to point out the positive side effects of this previously reported flaw. "Yes, well the tobacco smoke grenade does answer all the visual impairment requirements of the military, but it also tends to calm down the intended victims of the smoke grenade attack. If you were looking to wipe out an enemy target, you'll find them all just sitting down and enjoying the smoke. Easy pickins at that point".

Field testing of the tobacco smoke grenade proved the effectiveness of the device, but also led to abuse from some of the in-country military personal. Sergeant Garmann says, "We've found a few homemade Hookahs that are fit specifically to the grenade, and we've seen a tent intentionally flooded by smoke as well. There is some abuse, but they seem effective against the enemy as well".

No word yet if the enemy prefers regular, unfiltered or menthol, but the Army and Marines have indicated they will gladly take more samples of all three.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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