Susan Boyle comes in second at Miss England contest
Angie Beasley, the organiser of the Miss England contest, has reminded young women in Oxfordshire that size does not matter when it comes to taking part in the Miss Oxford contest, which is being backed by the Oxford Mail. She mentions the name Susan...
Read full storyPresident Obama Gives Away Joe Biden At Potlatch
President Obama and Air Force One flew back to Andrews Air Force Base from Seattle with one less person. While in the Pacific Northwest, the new President attended a potlatch ceremony with the Kwakwaka'wakw Indian tribe. A potlatch is a centurie...
Read full storyObama's Chief of Staff Quits - Joins Stavros Flatley Dancers
Rahm Emanuel, Obama's chief of staff has quit his position in the White House and has joined the father/son team from Britain's Got Talent; the Stavros Flatley Dancers. Emanuel is actually a graduate of the Evanston School of Ballet and the Sarah...
Read full storySusan Boyle to sing 'Sex Pistols' medley in her bra and panties on 'Britain's got Talent!'
Susan Boyle will be performing a medley of Sex Pistols songs in her bra and big panties (drawers) in the next round of BGT. In a bid to keep the audiences interested, the Scottish song-bird will be demonstrating her amazing vocal range, by singin...
Read full storyPresident Obama Won't Let Malia and Sasha Use Amy Carter's Treehouse
In the late 1970's, while Jimmy Carter was President of the United States, he had a treehouse built in the trees of the White House lawns for his daughter Amy. While the treehouse was not used in the Reagan, Bush senior, or Clinton administrations,...
Read full storyElaine Page IS Susan Boyle
Susan Boyle, the singing sensation from Britains Got Talent, is actually Elaine Page in disguise. The popular singer will reveal her true identity during the next show and confess that it has just been a big act for a new show hosted by Rolf Harris,...
Read full storyBoyle voted prettiest lady
Britain's Got Talent babe Susan Boyle has been voted Most Attractive British Woman 2009. The Scottish Singer who had recently amazed judges with her singing has found that Simon put her through the competition "purely on appearance- the singing w...
Read full storyBigfoot To Leave California
Bigfoot, the eight foot primate from the California mountains, has announced that he is leaving the state for "more normal, greener pastures." In a press conference at the Redwood National Forest Ranger Station, the creature previously believed to b...
Read full storyBudget Postponed After Darling Loses Calculator
The much-awaited annual Budget announcement tomorrow has been postponed for two weeks, after it emerged that the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, had misplaced his calculator. Senior Conservative figures had said that the Budget woul...
Read full storyThe Fatmobile invented
In an amazing new discovery yesterday, scientists at the Hoover Institute for People Posing as Yellowbellies (H.I.P.P.Y) found a way for obese people to use their own body fat as gasoline for their car. This amazing new technology allows fat people t...
Read full storyMalia and Sasha Obama Open White House Lemonade Stand
First daughters Malia and Sasha Obama have opened a lemonade stand on the White House lawn near the visitors entrance. They are the first official residents to sell foodstuffs from the Executive Mansion since Amy Carter (the Bush twins buying beer f...
Read full storyPresident Obama illegalizes Apple computers
In a fit of outrage yesterday, President Obama banned Apple computers from the United States. His official statement was, "The computers made by Apple, Inc. are destroying the economy." And without any further ado, he turned around and marched back i...
Read full storySix Million Dollar Man Denied Bail Out Money
Steve Austin, the retired astronaut and government agent who was the first man outfitted with "bionic" limbs, has been denied any "tune-up" funds in the now multi-trillion dollar bailout. In the crash of an experimental vehicle in 1974, Colonel Aust...
Read full storySusan Boyle offers to go to Iran to help free journalist
London - (Britton's Got Mellons! & Ass Mess): Singing sensation Susan Boyle has offered to go to Iran to help release jailed Iranian-American journalist Roxana Saberi recently convicted of spying. "If my voices is heard in Iran today, I'd be t...
Read full storyVince Cable starts his own Bank
Liberal Democrat MP for Twickenham, Vince Cable has announced today that he intends to launch his own bank in the next few days. The MP who is widely acknowledged as having been a voice of reason through the emergence of the credit crunch describe...
Read full storyNew 'Axis Of Evil' Is Inside U.S.
The FBI has determined a new 'Axis of Evil' is threatening to tear this country apart. What is scary is that they are domestic entities that shown themselves to have the ability to destroy this land economically, to exhibit only total self interest a...
Read full storyHull City Shitting Themselves Ahead Of Liverpool Game
Hull City manager Phil Brown was reported to be in an advanced state of anxiety as he prepared his squad for the visit of Liverpool to the KC Stadium on Saturday, and has said that the Tigers players are "fairly shitten' themselves at the prospect".
Read full storyCongresswoman Jane Harman fingered in NASA phone buggery of 'unidentified Israeli agent' Bernie Madoff
California - (Twin Towers Fiasco Mess): Calfornia Democratic Congresswoman Jane Harman reckons she's been screwed over by NASA, the US National Security Agency. Department of Justice sources hinted today that ilicit Bush Administration wiretaps al...
Read full storyMiss US runner-up recants her Anti-Gay Marriage stance
Las Vegas, Nevada - Folding to political correctness faster than a Chinaman can fold shirts at a Chinese Laundromat in Chinatown, Miss California US runner-up, Carrie Prejean, announced today that she no longer opposes same-sex marriages. Her stateme...
Read full storyLiverpool vs Arsenal results in 4-4 Goal-fest as both managers play with no Goalie
Both Rafa Benitez and Arsene Wenger threw caution to the wind as they aimed to win last night's Premiership clash between Liverpool FC and Arsenal. For the first time in the Premiership, both sides opted to play with no Goalkeeper, allowing them t...
Read full storyRules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course o...
Read full storyWorld War II Veteran Returns To Boogertown!
George Gilliam Hilliard, now 84, who had been feared killed in action at Normandy on D-Day, has been found in a shack behind a Mutual of Omaha building in Boogersboro, alive and well, wearing a now very tattered Army uniform, and still desperately lo...
Read full storySusan Boyle quits talent show
A spokesman for ITV has confirmed that recent surprise superstar Susan Boyle has quit the talent show, Britain's Got Talent. In describing the reason for the news, a spokesman described how the attention that she has received, especially from some...
Read full storyCIA Announces EBay Sale Of Now Closed Former Prisoner Camp Items
Months after the CIA announced that it is shutting down all its secret prisons in countries all around the world, they are having a sale on eBay coming up the second week of May to try to recoup some of their expenses from over the past 8 years. T...
Read full storyRobbie Williams joins Take That on 2009 UK Tour
Fans of Take That are celebrating tonight as ex member, Robbie Williams has re-joined the band on tour. However, he is not going to be joining the group on stage, but will be ensuring that they have ample towels and water behind the scenes. Rob...
Read full storyValerie Bertinelli Loses 80 Pounds, Recommends Hog Balls!
Former child actress Valerie Bertinelli of "One Day At A Time" fame has lost over 80 pounds to grace the cover of People Magazine this past week. How did the now 48 year-old Flubber Mother get back into a bikini without cutting off all circulation an...
Read full story"Hyde and Seikh" cop show to be cancelled
The widely regarded low point of BBC dramatic programming in 2009, aired its finaly episode last night. Set in a suburb of Manchester, and based around an Indian police officer, the show "Hyde and Seikh" has been losing viewers consistently since...
Read full storyRevealed: the content of the Conservative E-mail smears
The content of the recent email smears against the Conservative party have been kept secret from the media due to the sensitive nature of the content. I have, however, gained exclusive access to them. For those easily offended please do not rea...
Read full storyKhalid Sheikh Mohammed waterboarded 183 times in a single month; Sets new World Record
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is celebrating this evening in his cell, having today been confirmed by the Book of Records as the new world record holder for water-boarding. Mohammed, currently residing in Guantanamo Base, is said to be delighted that hi...
Read full storyLance Armstrong Breaks Penis Bone, Wind!
Lance Armstrong has officially dropped out of any more bicycle competitions in the near future after wrecking his bicycle during a recent race and breaking his penis bone. "I have had this problem for over four hours before, in fact one episode la...
Read full storyGordon Ramsay 'shames' restaurant owner and staff to death!
Craggy-faced filthy-mouthed Ramsay, 90 shamed a New York restaurant owner to death in his latest series of "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares" The struggling Bolivian restaurant owner approached Ramsay's program as the business was $1.50 in debt. Ram...
Read full storyDieting an utter, utter, waste of time?
Siberian scientists exploring the after sex - life of our divorced/separated, black & white, wingless, waddling ornithological relatives, the penguins, have made amazing discoveries regarding enormous weight losses occurred whilst wandering the i...
Read full storyRevealed… Gordon Brown letter to slured MPs
Gordon Brown has written personal letters to David Cameron, George Osborne and the other targets of a smear campaign devised by one his aides. The prime minister stopped short of a full apology, instead referring to the allegations, which were put...
Read full storySusan Boyle to be Cloned for Deep Space Exploration
Susan Boyle, this is your life. The science world is in a clamour as the main glamour spot in who will be cloned twenty two times to form a team of deep space cosmonauts is revealed. Susan Boyle was chosen today to boldly go where no brow has gone b...
Read full storyFreida Pinto's belly button in the list of world's most beautiful belly buttons
Slumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto's belly button is now being feted for having one of the world's most beautiful belly buttons by Vanity Fair magazine which is conducting a new poll to find world's most beautiful belly buttons. The magazine...
Read full storyOsama Bin Laden To Produce Reality Show About Curling
There's not a lot about Osama Bin Laden the world doesn't already know. However all that changed today as western society's 'Most Wanted Man' announced that he is getting ready to independently produce a reality show about the sport of curling. A...
Read full storyArtworld Adrift in Shitty Artists
Fine Art Reporting Team - SMEARGATE, Santiago Sierra's shit blocks , Sotheby's selling Manzoni's canned caca from the seventies, Gilbert & George illuminated Crap Scapes. It just seems to go on and on. Is nothing tethered down in the Art world. W...
Read full storyPapal Condom Stash Seized
After his whirlwind tour of Africa, the Pope returned to Rome to find that an internal inquiry by Bishops and Cardinals had revealed the surreptitious plans of the Papal Seal to corner the world market on condoms. Upon further investigation a vast...
Read full storyBritain's Got Talent Star Susan Boyle Act To 'Get Raunchier'
Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle, who stunned judges and audiences alike with her magnificent performance of the Les Miserables hit I Dreamed A Dream, has told reporters that she intends to put some 'ooomph' into her act, and make it more 'rau...
Read full storyCliff Richard admits to clever disguise on Britains Got Talent
In what some are describing as a criminal master stroke, Sir Cliff Richard has admitted to performing as "Susan Boyle" on the infamous edition of Britain's Got Talent. Sir Cliff said his reason for doing so was purely professional and he wanted t...
Read full storyCliff Richard Banned From Singing At Wimbledon
British singing icon Sir Cliff Richard has been told that, despite the success of his well-meaning antics during the rain-soaked Wimbledon tennis championships of 1996, when stunned spectators joined in with weird renditions of his old hits, the boyi...
Read full storyUnbelievable talent unearthed on "Britain's got Talent"
The nation is rocking and reeling, nay even bending and swaying, from the most astounding act ever to be seen on ITV's, er, on Simon Cowell's "Britain's got Talent" reality show. A relatively well-known 50 year-old former banker from Scotland has...
Read full storyRevealed: Boris Johnson 'F-word tirade' at MP Keith Vaz
London Mayor Boris Johnson is alleged to have launched a tirade of f word abuse at Keith Vaz, the Labour chairman of the Commons home affairs committee. The two clashed in a phone conversation after Mr Johnson gave evidence to the committee about...
Read full storyAlistair Darling's Budget 2009 leaked
On Wednesday 22 April, the Chancellor Alistair Darling will present his second Budget amid grim economic news. We take a look at the main elements that are to be included in this year's budget, and what has already been announced in the pre-Budget...
Read full storyBuffy returns with New Cast
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is set to return with Britain's Got Talent favourite Susan Boyle at the helm! The surprise announcement comes from showriters just days after Boyle announced she was selling her virginity on ebay. Ricky Gervais, Dawn...
Read full storyBritish Lions announce South Africa tour squad
Today, the British Rugby Association announced the squad which will face South Africa later in the summer. There was a number of surprises within the squad however. Causing a number of eyebrows to be raised was the inclusion of both Barry and...
Read full storyRectal implants for Stallone
E-by-gum! news has revealed that A-list celebrities who refuse to appear with Ryan Seacrust on interviews will be tagged with fish-shaped "hypno chips" which insert directly into the rectum. An alarmed Piff Doddy exclaimed that such a bold move i...
Read full storyManchester United player to appear in TV's Rogue Traders
Manchester United forward Dimitar Berbatov is appearing in BBC television program "Rogue Traders" tonight at eight thirty. Berbatov was followed for over two weeks by the shows presenters Matt Allwright an investigative journalist, and his side-kick,...
Read full storyFather of slumdog Susan Boyle tried to sell her for a cup of coffee
LONDON - Animal rights group sought a report from police investigating allegations by a tabloid that the father of Slumdog Susan Boyle tried to sell her to an undercover reporter, in exchange for a cup of hot coffee. Susan Boyle who premired on th...
Read full storyFirst Liver Transplant Done by an Ostrich
It was close to evening time on Tuesday, in the city of Gloucester, England, when the first liver transplant by an ostrich was done. The ostrich, referred to affectionately as Damien, was groomed to be a surgeon since he was born. "I took care o...
Read full storyMoyes passes Fergie 'Mind Games' Test
David Moyes is set to become the next Manager of Manchester United after passing the infamous Mind Games test. A source close to Sir Alex reports that David Moyes was tasked with forcing Mike Riley into a ludicrous decision by simply feeding some...
Read full storyHawking 'Comfortable' in Hospital
Legendary cosmologist and author Professor Stephen Hawking is reported to be 'comfortable' after being rushed to hospital from his home in Cambridge. Professor Hawking, who is Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University and the autho...
Read full storyDr Who to visit Nudist Planet
David Tennant is set to bare all in his finale as the Timelord, as he teams up with John Simm's character, The Master, and a new young male companion. While Georgia Moffett is also rumoured to feature, Russell T Davies has confirmed that The Doct...
Read full storyBigot Chris Moyles to sell his dandrufff as pork scratchings!
Bigot Chris Moyles, sixty stones of rancid pork fat squeezed in a 35 stone body and a face like Miss Piggy's gash - whose claim to fame is appearing as a bucket of ten day old pig grease in a filthy Mexican restaurant on 'Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Ni...
Read full storyTit-Sucking Good For Women
Women who breastfeed their babies may be lowering their own risk of a heart attack, heart disease or stroke, research suggests. A US study found women who breastfed for more than a year were 10% less likely to develop the conditions than those wh...
Read full storyNorth and South Islands of New Zealand are Bogans
The New Zealand Geographic Board today announced its discovery that the North and South Islands of New Zealand had been conducting themselves with a lack of appropriate formality. Said Chairman Don Grant, "We were shocked to discover that the Nort...
Read full storySir Alex Ferguson Has Finally Cracked!
It's been a long and gruelling season for Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson, but the pressure on the Scot finally seems to have taken its toll, if a new video circulating the internet is to be believed. For Sir Alex, whose team are favou...
Read full storyDemi and Bruce: why their marriage died hard
Actress and Hollywood icon Demi Moore, 45, has revealed the real reason why her marriage to action hero Bruce Willis, star of Die Hard, failed. "Bruce was always practising his action man moves," Moore reveals "whenever and wherever. We could be...
Read full storyF1: Red Bull Racing in Banned Substance Probe
Following their stunning 1-2 victory in the Chinese Grand Prix last weekend, the Red Bull F1 team are to be investigated over allegations that they used a performance-enhancing substance. Red Bull's Sebastian Vettel won the rain-soaked race, with...
Read full storyRecession Claims Santa Claus
North Pole - Santa Clause has announced he may not be delivering Christmas presents this year, after being hit "extremely hard" by the worst recession in modern history. Clause, 853, has disclosed in yet to be released legal documents that his company Clause Christmas Capers is heading towards liquidation, if someone doesn't bail him out. He has asked the World Bank for a special emergency...
Read full storyCanada Anticipates Global Warming - Stockpiles Snow
In the anticipation of a rise in temperatures brought on by global warming, Canadians are being urged by their federal government to stockpile snow. Alex Isbister, Canadian federal Minister of Environment, broadcast his 'snow collecting protocol'...
Read full storyThe Missing Bees Are Here! Claim Celebs!
WORLD EXCLUSIVE: The missing bees that have become a national phenomena and much discussed news all over Western Europe have, in fact, been found. It has been reported by various publicity hungry celebrities that the missing bees are in their gard...
Read full storyIan Tomlinson To Undergo More Autopsies
Ian Tomlinson, the innocent newspaper-seller who was killed by police on the way home during the G20 protests in London, is to undergo yet another forensic autopsy - and maybe more if the police don't get the right result! Mr Tomlinson was caught...
Read full storyMPs Vote for Extended Recess
MPs have awarded themselves an extra-long break as from this summer, citing the highly stressful nature of their work as the reason. Announcing the change, Speaker Michael Martin emphasised how difficult an MPs job was. He said, "MPs sometimes hav...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie To Replace Nicolette Sheridan On "Desperate Housewives"
HOLLYWOOD - With the sudden departure of Nicolette Sheridan's character Edie Britt, Wisteria Lane will soon be having a new resident. The show's producers have asked Angelina Jolie to join the "Desperate Housewives" cast and she has agreed. Jol...
Read full storyAfrican Pop Tarts Adopt White Babies
American media megastars have been the global trend setters for decades. Musical edginess, hot fashions and lifestyle likes and disses have been exported to the known world by US glamour girls and boyz from the Holly hood. But in these times of...
Read full storyObie: No Guns N' Parks; Yes 2 Assault weapons in Streets
Barack Obama has confounded political pundits as he has dodged left then right and defied prediction in his early presidential dance. He releases CIA torture info with one hand and then protects the inquisitors with the other. He spends billions...
Read full storyComputer Programmer Blamed in Wake of California's Unexpected 4/20 Bake
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - With Earth Day just around the corner, many California residents aren't just hugging trees - they're getting under them for some shade. In the wake of Sunday's unexpected bake, San Francisco and Los Angeles both set record highs...
Read full storyEpilogue (When the dusk fell)
The true story of Yusef finishes here, but not his plight. While reading the story, you might have wished a different outcome: for instance, the trespassers trying to incapacitate Yusef. When the story ended, one might have argued why so much fuss. Yusef could have been shot easily in the first place, because no one could catch the culprits. Well, the story took place about 15 years ago, and...
Read full storyMadonna Falls Off Her Mount While Horsing Around
LONG ISLAND, New York - Madonna, the singer who is 50 going on 30 claims that her horse, Mr. Vibrator, threw her after being startled by a member of the paparazzi. New York police are painting a different 'horse and wannabe cowgirl picture.' O...
Read full storyPsst - Asia Is Laughing At You Part 1 Singing
In 2008 the BBC undertook, at taxpayers' expense, one of its great international surveys. After a great deal of time, expense and lager, it was finally able to release on an unsuspecting world the results of this great international analysis. Yes, undoubtedly, the worst invention of the twentieth century was the karaoke machine. I beg your pardon. The karaoke machine? The machine around which a...
Read full storyAmerican Boat People Returned to the US
Havana Cuba: Cuba has returned another boatload of Americans to South Florida after their unsuccessful attempt to reach government officials in Havana. A Cuban government spokesperson "attributed the recent number of boats that have tried to get o...
Read full storyFat Chris Moyles' Quiz Night worst shite crap talentless programme ever made!
Bigot Chris Moyles, sixty stones of rancid pork fat in a 35 stone body and a face like Miss Piggy's snatch- has insulted the visual senses of the TV licence payer by dragging his mollusc shaped body out the radio studio on to our screens. Moyles h...
Read full storyAlien Susan Boyle To Report Back To Mother Planetoid
Residents of beyond the local Alpha Centauri district are petitioning the Mplityrsss government to enforce harsh restrictions on teenage travel to and from Earth after several have returned with tattoos on their appendages and high as a Pluberkski Ca...
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