Lance Armstrong has officially dropped out of any more bicycle competitions in the near future after wrecking his bicycle during a recent race and breaking his penis bone.
"I have had this problem for over four hours before, in fact one episode lasted for three days, but I had never had an accident while biking in all my competitions, but this time it finally came in the Vuelta de Castilly Y Leon race in Spain, and I would have to have my woody in the attention mode!"
So what are his plans for the near future?
"I will attempt to fly a Lazy Boy Chair over the entire continential United States, broken penis bone or no broken penis bone."
"For two weeks now I have studied air currents, number of balloons needed, the best pellet gun for the occasion and I have already received a sponsorship in Trojan condoms. You see, I'll be floated on the wind by helium-filled Trojan condoms. They will record it for commercial spots and at the same time, have a Snoopy II blimp alongside to capture everything on camera. So I won't be all alone out there."
"Of course, the record will be mine."
One problem has been solved, Armstrong will have a cushion in his lap to be sure the broken penis bone is not spotted.
In an interview with a Los Angeles television station, Armstrong said, "The idea originally came to me while I was drugged and being taken to the hospital with my penis in a sling. Once I came around and thought about those guys up there in lawn chairs, I was like 'this is a wonderful idea.'"
"Besides, I'll need the cash from Trojan and Lazy Boy for my next bicycle race. With a broken penis and only one ball left, I'll need all the support I can get."
"So it's LA to NYC Central Park, Here I come!! With my broken penis held high though hidden from the cameras!!"
Guinness lists the only other guy to ever try to fly like this came down just outside Phoenix, Arizona in 2006 when a wind gust hit him and, attempting to lower his position, shot his broken penis with a pellet instead of a condom.