Siberian scientists exploring the after sex - life of our divorced/separated, black & white, wingless, waddling ornithological relatives, the penguins, have made amazing discoveries regarding enormous weight losses occurred whilst wandering the ice - cold wastelands of Antarctica searching to satisfy their over - heated sexual drives.
After a period of non - sexual activity our beloved penguins became violent and agitated towards other "single" penguins thus burning calories during altercations, fighting and frequently masturbating in front of other very lonely Antarctic residents, human scientists.
The Siberian scientists decided to divulge their findings to the globally renowned nutritionist and self acclaimed, masturbating satisfactorily, divorcee Professor Fanny Dildo - Choccybiscuit to find out if their discoveries could be of use to that other lost, sad, black and white, waddling and very wingless species, humans. She immediately copied their findings and wrote the blockbusting bestseller called:
F.ck Atkinson and all other crappy, worthless diets, just ge a f..king Divorce!
The book sold faster than greasy burgers flying over the counter a Macd's and at one particular outlet of W.H. Smiths in downtown Tunbridge Wells they sold quicker than Hong-Chin-Pooh could sell portions his fatty, greasy, British speciality called Fish and "Made in Hongkong" Chips, with the Hong Kong Daily Express wrapping to boot.
Singles, divorcees and those living in separation have adopted the penguin lifestyle, ranting and raving at their ex - partners, arguing, throwing missiles at each other and pulling each others hair out while the very confused kids watch telly 24/7. Paying enormous amounts to divorce lawyers, masturbating two times daily, and running after every bit of available pussy or dick for short term satisfaction, thus burning calories like a steam train pulling the Orient express
Gone are the days of comfy living, easy sex every night with the missus (dream on!), food on the table after work, lazing on the couch, guzzling pints of lagers every night in front of the telly and touching the missus up when you feel like a bit of slap and tickle, which is totally detrimental to any form of weight losing.
This new lifestyle is here to stay and the results of singles, divorcees and those living in separation in their attempts to lose weight have been beyond all expectations thanks too Professor Fanny Dildo, a couple of horny rimmed Siberian scientists and last not least our fabulous wingless bird wonders, single and very sad (aah!) Penguins.