Glenn Beck to Translate Bible to Fit His Agenda

Funny story written by UWGB-Beek

Monday, 27 September 2010

Glenn Beck announced today that he translated the Bible into a language his fans can understand, and help backup his agenda.

"I think the Bible needed to be in a language that everyone understands. My fans deserve answers to questions they couldn't get from the original text," Glenn Beck said.

The Bible has long be used by people to push wars and intolerance, but Glenn Beck's Bible now excludes anything that has to do with paying taxes, because taxes are the "work of the devil." A view that also helps mega rich Glenn Beck avoid paying taxes to the "Devil Obama."

"I see the government using my tax money to pay for things like teacher salaries and roads. I don't see why I should pay for this. I believe I have every right to keep my money and do what I want with it. Right now, I am using my money to help for Candy the Strippers college tuition."

Another major difference is Mr. Beck's translation also leaves out anything that can't be used to help push the lies seen everyday on his television show, so that means his Bible is now only fifty pages long and full of illustrations of Mr. Beck talking to rich white guys.

"The real Bible makes me feel guilty for lying about the president and almost anything else you hear on my show, but with my translation I no longer feel any guilt about betraying the trust of my viewers and listeners."

When asked if he fears any real retribution for changing the words of God, he said: "I don't really believe in the Bible, but I do believe my followers do, so I needed a book that fits my selfish agenda. The real Bible condemns people like me for filling my followers with a fake theology, so now I can do what I want and get rich off it at the same time."

Most major Christian denominations are protesting Mr. Beck's Bible, but they are being portrayed on Fox News as a bunch of backward thinkers that push the liberal agenda of helping the poor and educating the masses about the goodness of man. It is clear that truth doesn't really exist on Fox News.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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