London - (Dependency Culture Mess): "One is freezing one's nutz orf because of the recession," the Queen complained today amid headlines of being sidelined for an OAP handout to buy a new boiler.
"Just have to chop up some irreplaceable Chippendale commodes and a couple of priceless Renoirs to toss on the fire, hahaha!"
News of HM's plight has fallen on deaf ears, however, after Palace accountants failed to explain where the annual £38 million handout had gone.
"Mostly up Charles' and Camilla's noses, I expect," royal security sources commented.
Then there's that ridiculous £300,000 Western Isles 'austerity' cruise earlier this summer.
This saw the whole ghoulish clan whoop it up at taxpayers' expense as a fleet of Navy warships followed obediently in tow - just in case Somali pirates were waiting to pounce.
An announcement this week says the Treasury is adamant there's no more cash for the Cold War throwback and her vermin brood.
And in the event that she really will kick the bucket before the week is out a cut-price DIY funeral from Asda plus landfill site burial are definitely on the cards.
Prince Philip is 104.