The Cigarette Most Preferred By American Soldiers Fighting In Ukraine Is...
SOMEWHERE IN THE UKRAINE - (Satire News) - Traci Diddle, a writer with National Rumblings has been embedded with the US 89th Infantry Regiment in Ukraine since last summer. She has seen the 89ers in action and she notes that they are the bravest f…
Read full storyShoot-down of UFO turns out connected to Jeffrey Bezos
For the second time in a week, the US Air Force has shot down an intruder into the sovereign skies of the country. The Air Force used an F-22 and a Sidewinder missile for this action, and, according to the President, the UFO was shot down “out of…
Read full storyA Reporter Has Donald Trump By His Baby Balls
LONDON - (Satire News) - Ta Ta For Now reporter Petula Tart, no relation to Simon Cowell's second cousin, Tiffany Tart, says in an article that US reporter Velveeta Maracas, who writes for The News Blues, has said that Trump The Chump groped her duri…
Read full storyPhantom Closing on Broadway - What Will Happen to It's Biggest Star?
After 35 years and more than 13,000 performances, Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera is ending on Broadway in April. As the musical finishes it's historic run, the show's actors, musicians, and technical crew are already looking for their…
Read full storyElon Musk’s Swan Song Begins Once the Messenger is Dead
It’s not easy bringing bad news to the Dictator of Twitter. An old saying goes: “Don’t shoot the messenger”, but every dictator seems to ALWAYS shoot the messenger. Elon shot his. A Twitter employee delivered the bad news that Elon wasn’t as popul…
Read full storyBoob Bands – Soak Up Boob Sweat & Look Fabulous!
This one’s just for us gals, guys … Ladies, do you have big boobs? I know I don’t, but if I did, I bet they’d sweat a lot with all the fun activities, the hustle and bustle I do all day. What if that sweat leaks through to my blouse? Huge smell…
Read full storyPutin’s Paradise Reserved for All the Leading Scum
Elon Musk blocked his satellites in the Linked Stars so that Ukraine wouldn’t get access to destroy Russia. Rishi Sunak’s wife has ties to a company that has ties to Russia. Donald Trump has lots of friends in Russia, we all know that. Doe…
Read full storyA Cleaning Lady Time Traveler Sees the Future …
Mrs. Inga Trex, a cleaning woman at the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, has become the first woman to travel into the future! According to eye witnesses and security camera footage, Mrs. Trex, or T-rex, was vacuuming near the collider…
Read full storyChinese Theories on American History
A Chinese spokeswoman (who looked terrified as she said this, as though a hidden gun were pointed to her head if she didn’t read off the script) said that the balloon was just for weather. And China doesn’t like being called a liar, even when it clea…
Read full storyWhy Japan Won’t Go To The Moon
Why won’t Japan – with all of its advanced technology and everything needing to be cute – go to the moon? The Chinese are there and the Americans said they were there a whole bunch of times, they even have a mailbox there for any interstellar mail co…
Read full storyHitler’s Moustache Brought Back to Life!
Scientists living in the jungles of Paraguay have played god after they found the lost Hitler’s moustache! That’s right, the bullet Hitler put into his brain in the bunker – sure, it hit his head, but the moustache survived! And now it’s back –…
Read full story“Fuck”, A GOAT?
As a word, is “Fuck” a GOAT, or Greatest Of All Time? Is it the greatest word in the English language? To non-native speakers of the language, the following sentence is technically correct, just weird and confusing: “The fucking fucker fucked the…
Read full storyFast Food Drones – Duck and Cover!
Fast food giants across the USA love seeing all those drones in Ukraine dropping bombs on unsuspecting Russians sleeping in their tanks that they want in on the drone business too! Preliminary tests are being done, and burgers and fries and tacos…
Read full storyMickey Mouse Wants to Live at Your House
Disney Land and Disney World are cutting thousands of jobs, just like every other company too big to fail. If you still take your kids there, they might not be able to see Mickey and Minnie anymore, or at least, not in spick and span suits. In…
Read full storyThe Rich and The Robots: A Love Story
Putin and Elon Musk have many things in common, and here’s one: they both love AI, or robots. Soon, robots will reach such advanced levels that you will no longer have a job. There will be robot police on every corner who can recite all the laws f…
Read full storyAngels Bowling in the Year 10,000 B.C.
Welcome bowling fans, if you’re just joining us, the angels of Jehovah are doing quite well, but Jehovah himself is not. The Archangel Michael is leading at 201 points of a possible 300, with Gabriel coming up strong in second place with 189 point…
Read full storyPutin’s Comic Book Weapons Obsession
Putin is desperate for new weapons. The ones he has been using against Ukraine are fine, but they’re just not killing enough. And he can’t use nukes without ending all life on the planet, so he needs something that can … “ … kill but not devastate…
Read full storyLiving In A Barbie World Is Better for Grooming Your White Child
A new movie about your favourite doll is coming out. BARBIE! Yes, girls and [maybe boys] around the world will be able to see a world glowing in pink with every woman – Barbie herself of course – in perfect shape, not a wrinkle or varicose vein…
Read full storyThe Pope Needs to Catch All His Faithful So They Don’t Switch Sides While Living in Hell
Pope Francis arrived in Juba, South Sudan on Friday. A Catholic VIP who shall not be named has said, “Yes, the Holy Father Pontificated … sorry, too many titles, I get them mixed up sometimes … can I have a bit more of that communion wine … m…
Read full storyMore Chinese People Means More Super Soldier Babies Rolling In With The Waves
China wants more Chinese people, so it’s offering free fertility treatments. Not long ago, China had a policy of one child only – so lots of girl babies were murdered according to the state’s wishes. Unfortunately, a fascist state can make things…
Read full storyShould Earth 2.0 Be A No-Go? Let Your Grandkids Decide, You Crotchety Old Bastard!
It’s called DICER, or a Diffractive Interfero Coronagraph Exoplanet Resolver. What is it? A big telescope some scientist want to float into outer space to look for other Earth’s, or, in modern day geek speak, Earth 2.0. “We are excited to find ano…
Read full storyPetey’s Taco Will Burn Your Nostrils
Pete Davidson is a new spokesman for Taco Bell’s breakfast burrito, and the company couldn’t be happier. “We hope this translates into major sales – if we ain’t seeing Americans getting fatter and fatter off our product, then we’re doing something…
Read full storyA Recession Means Fewer Virgins for Jihad Warriors
Extremist clerics have changed their minds. No longer will a jihadist who dies during a holy war and ascends to heaven receive the bounty of 72 virgins. There’s a recession, so that number has been cut back to 55 virgins for every warrior. Some…
Read full storyA New Shroud of Turin Discovered with a Godly Orgasm
Fungaza, Italy - A new shroud of Turin – now in Fungaza – has been found. Like the Turin shroud, this shows a bearded man lying prone with hands over his genitals – so as not to offend the Lord when dead – with holes piercing his hands and feet and a…
Read full storyHigh-Octane Super Charged Turtle racing Racing RACING!
Welcome to the 101st Annual Turtle Race … Yawn … And there’s the #3 turtle racing against the #4 turtle … and it’s heating up … (Oh god I can’t stop yawning!) And it’s neck and neck … one flipper forward … another … I think #3’s tail wagg…
Read full storyGolden Girl Underwear Repression … Mmm, Betty White, Me Likey!
Super Christians hate sex (didn’t someone say the most traffic on Porn Hub comes from Utah, home of the Mormons, one of the most repressed sects of Christianity?) and they want you to hate it too. So soon, once laws are passed and secret documents…
Read full storyBikini Witches Burnt at Trump Stake
Donald Trump has come up with a new TV show idea that some Hollywood producers love – since they are the slimiest scum of all – and Trump has tons of them in his pocket. Burning Bikini Witches! That’s right, all contestants will be female and h…
Read full storyTrump’s New American National Anthem – Sing It or Die!
Donald Trump is absolutely positive that he will be the American president again. Merrick the G-Man has done little, as far as we know, to bring the Real Trump to justice. There are more memes of him in prison jumpsuits than there are people trying t…
Read full storyThe NYPD Wants You! Join Now and Kill By Lunch Time!
Now that the NYPD are off the hook from killing people who loiter in the streets, tons of white power boys with their own hand-embroidered jackboots are signing up to be cops! “I wanna kill people too!” said one nameless man. “My brother kilt one…
Read full storyThe Great Gun Symbol like A Dead Heart on a Sleeve
Wearing your heart on your sleeve is the IN thing in the GOP. But they have no hearts, so they show off their guns, and they prefer their lapels to their sleeves. Guns on the suits and dresses … it’s a silent message that speaks loudly. We prefer…
Read full storyLeo is Lion Around With His Young Cub
I put on my old-timey banker’s green visor and got an adding machine and cranked the numbers … now, let’s see, according to my calculations … Leonardo DiCaprio is, what, 50 and his girlfriend is 19. And some have a problem about this. If a MILF at…
Read full storySarah Huckabee’s Roasted and Toasted Chicken for GOP Only
Sarah Huckabee’s enter the political ring, but also the chicken ring! Try new Sarah Huckabee’s Roasted and Toasted Chicken Fast Food! And she means fast! Some of the chickens may not be entirely cooked the whole way through, so check your bag ‘…
Read full storyDennis Rodman Bringing Basketball to the East
Since Kim Jong Dong is bored and wants to fire off a few nuclear missiles to show his Chinese masters that he’s a big boy now and has enough weight to throw around (even though the world laughs and laughs at him), he has hired Dennis Rodman, an old f…
Read full storyTrans Fat Health Food Feeds the Protesters
A new health food store has opened in Oklahoma, and many of the locals don’t like it … but not for the reason you think. It’s called “Trans Fat”, which is an odd name for a health food store. The Americans are okay with the word “fat” since, to th…
Read full storyNew Israeli Napalm for Targeted Killing ... Unless The Wind Blows the Other Way
Israel has invented a new kind of napalm … it’s smart and targets only those the Israelis absolutely hate … which is everyone not them or those who give them money! (No Americans will be killed by the new napalm … but the desire may still be there fo…
Read full storyThe NYPD Mow Down Hoe Down
Now that the NYPD cops who ran people over during the George Floyd protest have gotten off completely free and without so much as a slap on the wrist, the NYPD have decided to make their activities into a sport. Introducing the First Annual NYPD M…
Read full storySave Your Money – and Trade it In For Crypto, You Poor Rich Bastard!
Who wants some crypto? Crypto for sale, get it while the getting’s good. Visa and other credit cards are hopping on the crypto train and want to pressure small businesses into not taking cash anymore. Make it a digital currency, we’ve had enough o…
Read full storyThe Pope Hates Your Pussy, So Now You’re A Guy, Catholic Bitch … Or, The Vagina is Mightier than the God
What’s the greatest threat to men in the world today? War, famine, pestilence, their Porn Hub membership expiring? No, it’s … the VAGINA! Clerics of ALL religions hate the vagina for a very simple reason: it can create life, and the penis cannot.
Read full storyThe NRA Cavalry Heads to Ukraine – as long as there’s Beer & Beef – Sooooo-weeeee!
Semper Fi – [burp] – mutherfuckers, it’s the NRA to the rescue! A new platoon of American NRA members have decided to put their guns where their mouths are, and head out to join Ukraine in its war against pro-Trump Russians. Billy-Ray Sqwak has…
Read full storyMick Jagger Strikes A Carbonite Pose
Mick Jagger says that since drummer Charlie Watts is now dead, The Rolling Stones may be pushing their luck. Ozzy has retired due to, essentially, old age and the problems that come with that. Elton John is hanging on, though he’s left the stage m…
Read full storyMexico Buys A Spy Balloon From China And You Won't Believe What It Plans To Do With It
MEXICO CITY - (Satire News) - El Ole News reports that the President of Mexico, Andres "Andy" Manuel Lopez Obrador, has just purchased a used spy balloon from the Republic of China for 10,000 pesos [$500 US]. President Andy said that his country g…
Read full storyAnn Coulter Says Trump Hit On Her 14 Times - But She Rejected Him Saying She Hates Nazi Racists
NEW YORK CITY - (Satire News) - GOP grandma Ann "Giddy Up" Coulter told Margarita Mixx with Wild Whispers that she is proud of the fact that the shit face looking DJT (Trump) hit on her a total of 14 times and she rejected the hemorrhoid-looking fag…
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