Extremist clerics have changed their minds. No longer will a jihadist who dies during a holy war and ascends to heaven receive the bounty of 72 virgins.
There’s a recession, so that number has been cut back to 55 virgins for every warrior.
Some are not happy about this.
We talked to a man named Muhammad, who was sitting in a car stacked full of jugs of gasoline, what he thought about it.
“It’s hardly even worth getting up in the morning for, isn’t it? I mean, no one likes to be short-changed, and if I’m gonna do this for my god, then I kinda want to get the full price, you know? Is it fair? In this crazy world, is anything? Maybe one day it’ll go back up to 72, but do I have to wait forever to get me all the virgins I’m gonna need in the afterlife? I don’t have that long to live.”
True enough, we thought as he raced away towards some kind of fast food emporium that had been in the news lately for selling non-halal kabobs. We wish him well in all his endeavors, and may his god bless his gas pedal. Thankfully, the store was closed at the time, since it was a holy day.
