Fungaza, Italy - A new shroud of Turin – now in Fungaza – has been found. Like the Turin shroud, this shows a bearded man lying prone with hands over his genitals – so as not to offend the Lord when dead – with holes piercing his hands and feet and a scar in his side.
Granted: the Romans sure did love to hang people up for any and all crimes – even grazing sheep on the Roman Sabbath – which, I believe, was on a Wednesday. (Does your god hold one day of the week better than the others? Then why’d he make 6 inferior days and one good one? Why can’t every day be a Saturday night – it’s all right for fighting).
Those sheep could get you strung high and bleeding, and if someone was nice, they’d pierce your side and let all your life drain before the dead could turn zombie and create the bloodiest religion of all time. (Thank you, Jesus …you put the Marquis de Sade to shame.)
There’s one difference in this Fungaza Shroud … ahem, um … how does one put this lightly … the man depicted in the x-ray image branded onto the linen … ahem, has a boner.
Now it’s well known that when a man dies he will often get an erection, since, it is rumored, death is just one long orgasm – and that, some call God. If so, this shroud man had one helluva god! About a foot long god, in fact! And also strangely, there appears to be a smile on his face. Ear to ear.
If this shroud is held to be that of Jesus, then he’s clearly a naughty boy and not the one all the preachers want us to believe. Did he bang Mary Magdalene before they hung him up to dry? If so, that’s hot. And clearly she banged him on his death bed and kept his cock high and holy.
Pilgrims the world over will soon be getting on their knees and kissing the shroud’s boner in the hopes that they, too, will die in the pure ecstasy of deathly orgasm.
