Super Christians hate sex (didn’t someone say the most traffic on Porn Hub comes from Utah, home of the Mormons, one of the most repressed sects of Christianity?) and they want you to hate it too.
So soon, once laws are passed and secret documents are signed, everyone – girls mostly – will be forced to wear underwear (not panties – filthy, sexy panties!) that have one of the faces of the Golden Girls on it.
That’ll repress your THROBBING SEXUAL URGES!
When you see Betty White, do you think, “Damn! Gotta git me some ‘o that!” (Well, I do, but let’s say a normal person.)
Evangelicals are hoping the face of the elderly on your wife or girlfriend’s or friends-with-benefits’ crotch will scare you away and make your dick shrink to the size of your pinkie toe.
There is a small problem … human beings with their higher brain function can, essentially, become sexually attracted to anything. A hole in a tree trunk. The hole in your car where the gasoline goes. The hole in the ozone layer. And they can become attracted to anything (Melania must’ve been somewhat attracted to something about Trump – his money, sure, that’s the easy answer), so even hideous hogs can eventually find dates. (Mine’s name is Porky – and he’s got the cutest little curly tail!)
So the Golden underwear may backfire … and if so … every retirement or old age home will be one hot swinging party pad where grandma and grandpa are taking it off, mixing their medications, and getting nasty and dirty all night long … until Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune come on, or it’s nap time.
