Putin is desperate for new weapons. The ones he has been using against Ukraine are fine, but they’re just not killing enough. And he can’t use nukes without ending all life on the planet, so he needs something that can …
“ … kill but not devastate, you know?” said a top Russian military weapons designer. “Like if we had some kind of death ray that just leveled everything – people, buildings, whatnot – but didn’t throw off any radiation … that would solve a lot of headaches. And Putin’s getting migraines almost every day – and it’s not the cancer, we swear.”
So what solution has been offered? Strangely, comic books.
“Putin loves comic books. Sometimes in his delirium, he thinks they’re real. His military advisors have tried to talk to him, but when you’re that powerful a dictator, you can’t be reasoned with anymore.”
He loves all the favourites: Superman, Spiderman, Batman, Green Lantern, etc. He has a collection of over 1 million comic books alone, and he isn’t even close to going through them all looking for weapons he can make real.
There are no special rings or necklaces that can shoot lasers or beams of any kind, except for white light, and that doesn’t kill anyone except by slow melanoma … and Florida has that cornered.
Will Putin finally find his new secret weapon that America doesn’t also have? Well, I’ve never seen a Russian comic book, have you? So it’s likely the Americans have been pouring over them longer than the Russians …
On a side note: Putin has still only read up to the mid-1960s, and he’s still puzzling his pained head over Little Lulu and Scrooge McDuck … so there’s still a lot of super heroes to work through, and America is still cranking out more … and keeping all the mint condition ones for themselves!
