Did Justin Bieber Text Jennifer Thompson Hoping To Arrange A Sexual Liaison?
Nobody knows for sure yet that Canadian teen heart-throb Justin Bieber sent Wayne Rooney hooker sex case girl Jennifer Thompson a text message enquiring about hourly rates and discount packages. But SEN's Buffty Ginslinger reckons it's possible.
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Moons Reporters Before They Can React
After all the recent articles about Miley Cyrus that are sex oriented, the young actress and singer got the best of some reporters she saw waiting outside a club to catch some Hollywood types that were inside. So they were caught at just the right...
Read full storySimon Cowell, Accused Of Altering Contestants Voices On Show, Beaten Up!
Simon Cowell's "The X Factor" is once again being accused of altering the voices of some of the contestants. "They don't sound nearly as good when you hear them in public", stated one former fan of the show. "I used to watch it every week but no m...
Read full storyNaked 'but no signs of forced entry' say MI6 codebreaker cops
London - (Spy-Who-Gagged-Me-Mess): "A BBC Crimebotch reconstruction might just crack it open, of course," the Murder Squad's DCI Baz Rottweiler said today. "But it could also blow away a foreign asset's cover and end up aborting a huge anti-terro...
Read full storyMonica Mint, Chloe Mafia, and Jennifer Thompson To Star In The X-Rated British Movie "Ho, Ho, Ho"
LONDON - Famed British motion picture producer Reginald Chiswicket has just announced that he, in conjunction with Castle Moat Pictures, will soon begin production on the World War II holiday epic entitled, Ho, Ho, Ho. The film is x-rated due to v...
Read full storyFleiss Picks Stable for Stud Farm
Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss has already chosen some of the men she wants to inhabit "Heidi's Stud Farm," a luxurious Nevada mansion destined to become the nation's first legal brothel for female clients. "I'm thinking in terms of recognizable a...
Read full storySir Attenborough Quits TV After Tribe Encounter
World famous documentary filmmaker and nature lover, David Attenborough has quit television after declaring the world is now, "too small to explore." In an interview with BBC radio, the 84 year old national treasure poured his heart out, after re...
Read full story"Obama Shared Our Religious Beliefs" Claim Separate Groups
CHICAGO - While the White House expresses its shock over polls showing that only 34% of Americans believe Obama is Christian, Dr. Matthew Zeller explains how "normal" and "Christian" as perceived in San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Capitol Hill differ...
Read full storyDalai Lama in Drive-Thru Fight
The 14th Dalai Lama has allegedly paid damages to a McDonalds worker after an incident at a McDonalds Restaurant in an unnamed location. CCTV footage of the incident- which happened some time last year- has appeared on youtube over the last few d...
Read full storySteven Gerrard And John Terry Don't Deny 'Knowing' Wayne Rooney Hooker Jennifer 'Juicy Jeni' Thompson
As the UK is rocked by yet another scandal involving a footballer and a prostitute, Skoob Sports News elected to send our sports correspondent Donald Skoob (copyright Monkey Woods) out to smell some rats. Following revelations about Wayne Rooney p...
Read full storyLondon Hit by Pube Chaos
The announcement yesterday of the end of the week-long action by members of the Razor Retailers Union created chaos in London as it coincided with last night's tube strike. Thousands irritated by the recent scarcity of razors left work early to...
Read full storyPope Signs NIKE Deal
Christian's and bandwagon riders have expressed their distress and disbelief after The Vatican revealed that The Pope had indeed signed a sponsorship deal with NIKE. Rumours have circulated for weeks now that a deal was to be struck after His Hol...
Read full storyWayne Rooney Seen Yodelling Over Hooker 'Juicy Jeni' With Lonely Goatherd
Alarums at Lancaster Gate today as it was revealed that Wayne Rooney, England's star baldy nutted scouse striker was spotted yodelling about Bolton benefit scrounging hooker Jennifer Thompson to a lonely goatherd ahead of England's crucial Euro quali...
Read full storyMichael Gove announces first list of Free Schools
Quelle surprise! All the Free Schools are in London - As expected, fee paying schools have jumped in first, grabbed Gove's attention and set themselves up to be even further subsidised by the less fortunate. Sons and daughters of the already filthy r...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Claims Paris Innocent
Lindsay Lohan came to the defense of fellow troubled celebrity Paris Hilton by backing up Hilton's statement Paris was carrying someone else's purse when a bag of cocaine fell out of it. "I swear on my 12-step rehab pamphlet that I saw someone s...
Read full storyCheryl Cole lookalike goes shopping in Asda
A woman who slightly resembles singer Cheryl Cole was spotted at Asda yesterday. The attractive lady parked her Audi in a supermarket car park, got out, locked it and collected a trolley. She then pushed the trolley around the shop, picking things up...
Read full storyJessica Alba Reveals A Shocking Secret - Lindsay Lohan Has Secretly Been Dating "Machete's" Danny Trejo
HOLLYWOOD - According to Jessica Alba's personal hairdresser FuFi Fondue, the actress confided in him that she was jealous of the intimate love scenes between Danny Trejo, the star of the satire/parody Machete and actresses Michelle Rodriguez and Lin...
Read full storyStone mason sparks cathedral furor with Zinedine Zidane gargoyle
Lyons - (Corner House News): Local stone mason Emmanuel Fourchet has ignited a very touchy ecclesiastical touchpaper with his rendition of a carved gargoyle of French World Cup 1998 hero Zinedine Zidane. The effigy sits atop the roof of Lyons city...
Read full storyMerrygold Talks Girls Aloud, Sugababes, Saturdays
Aston Merrygold has reportedly slammed Girls Aloud members Cheryl Cole, Nicola Roberts, Sarah Harding and Kimberley Walsh for not supporting band mate Nadine Coyle. In an article in this week's MusicWeek magazine, Merrygold said that Coyle deserve...
Read full storyLabor Day Now #1 Hated Holiday in America
Labor Day is now the most hated holiday of all in America. Unemployment is at an all-time high. Salaries are the lowest they've been since the early '70's inflation-wise, and most people hate their bosses, most of who make upwards of 600% more than t...
Read full storyTax Bombshell for Government
A virus in the new improved Chief Tax Inspector's computer has resulted in the bankruptcy of the Government. All tax paid in the last year tax year has been returned to tax payers with apologies for the error. The Treasury is left with the Crown J...
Read full storyWayne Rooney joins Roman Polanski in Switzerland for degenerate bender
England boss Fabio Capello says Wayne Rooney will play in Tuesday's Euro 2012 qualifier in Switzerland, despite allegations about his private life. In the mean time, it is rumoured that Roman Polanski will be putting the young striker through a gr...
Read full storyYoko Ono returns to Liverpool and promises not to sing!
Yoko Ono returned to Liverpool, John's birthplace, to celebrate what would have been his 70th bithday, but was begged by the Mayor not to give a rendition of any classic Beatles songs in public, she promised not to! Yoko did actually attempt on s...
Read full storyAfter the tragic death of the world's shortest man a new one claims the title, he's a Colombian Shorty, so what!
Recently "the world's shortest man" died attempting to copulate with a "long-legged lady of the night" on a bar stool, he fell, crunched his head and died with a stiff. (the story was documented in the Spoof, it's true) Now the emergence of a Colo...
Read full storyThe In Seine Book of Measurements
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 36 inches in Glasgow = 1 Scotland Yard Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong 52 cards = 1 decacards 10 rations = 1 decoration 2.4 statute miles...
Read full storyJennifer Thompson and Sarah Purnell to make Sex Movie?
Erstwhile girlfriend of Ashley Cole and lap-dancer, Sarah Purnell and Bolton prostitute, Jennifer Thompson who boasts Wayne Rooney amongst her clients, have announced plans to star jointly in a sex film. 'It seems the right time for both of us', s...
Read full storyBlair cancels everything due to it suddenly dawning on him that he might be a bit of a git
Tony Blair is cancelling a high-profile signing session of his new memoirs because of planned protests. He has been seen of late, swanning around book stores and anywhere that would have him, to promote his ego and overpowering sense of his own im...
Read full storyWas Sarah Palin Gay-Baiting When She Called Reporter 'Impotent'?
Sarah Palin is unhappy with Michael Cross, the author of a Gay Advocate piece that lambasted her. But when she referred to him as "a queer, dickless, impotent gaywad" in an interview on Fox News, was she also doing a little gay-baiting? That's th...
Read full storyProfessionals hook-up company - "Wayne Rooney" Press Release
Press Release from PHUCKS to all our customers who do not wish to do a 'Rooney'. We are the Professionals Hook-Up Completely Kept Secret company. Wayne Rooney may be the latest of our customers to hit the headlines, but he's not the only one. Peter Crouch, John Terry, Steven Gerard and Ashley Cole are other English Professional footballers who have not followed our guidelines, although we h...
Read full storyJennifer Thompson 'an upmarket version of Kate Middleton' says hooker agency
Manchester - (Ass Mess): The Salford Slappers Escort Agency said today Thompson started off as a stunt double for some of Kate's less palatable early assigments (don't ask!) The two brunettes' physical resemblance was uncanny and spawned a whole...
Read full storyPolice search for "indecent" images on Wayne Rooney's computer
In the aftermath of the sex allegations surrounding Wayne Rooney and following a tip-off, police have swooped on the Rooney's £4.5 million Cheshire mansion, allegedly confiscating a hoard of pornographic material. The material is said to include,...
Read full storyIceland victorious over Japan
The Icelandic basketball team were today successful in defeating Japan at the Championships by 97 baskets to 33. Helped by a capacity crowd, many of whom travelled long distances to see them play, the Icelanders achieved an early 15 point margin and...
Read full storyBP Wins World Punt, Pass, and Kick Competition
It was an illustrious crowd today as the management team of BP took the stage to receive the World Cup Punt, Pass, and Kick annual award. David Beckham returned to the UK for the occasion and presented the cup on behalf of the Queen to Tony Hayward.
Read full storyKatie Price spotted clubbing with George Linekar
Alex Reid, cage-fighting husband of Katie Price, aka Katie Reid, aka Jordan, is said to be furious at pictures released today of his wife, looking decidedly worse for wear, leaving the popular night-spot Mahiki arm in arm with teenager George Linekar...
Read full storyGirls, These Affairs Need to Pay Off Soon
OK, let's come to order. We have a full agenda tonight and I have to be out of here in an hour to get ready for my date with the senator. He's taking me to the French embassy for a Franco-American appreciation wine and cheese party and I've let the National Enquirer know about it but I doubt they'll send anyone. The guy's a backbencher who'll probably not run for reelection next year, so who cares...
Read full storyDomestic violence: four in ten victims are men, study reveals
A recently published study has revealed that four in ten domestic violence victims are men. Professor Basil Belter of the Family and Social Studies faculty at the University of Peckham says the findings are shocking. "Gone are the days when domest...
Read full storyProstitute Jennifer Thompson investigated for Benefit Fraud
Jennifer (Juicy Jeni) Thompson, the £1200 a night prostitute at the centre of the ongoing Rooney sex-scandal, is reportedly under investigation for both benefit fraud and income tax evasion. Thompson, a 21 year-old slapper and opportunist from Bol...
Read full storyHurricane Earl causes chaos in the UK
Hurricane Earl, the Atlantic storm system has caused chaos across the Atlantic in the UK. The West Coast of the UK has been battered by wind speeds of up to sixty miles an hour dislodging roof tiles and blowing over cones on the M6. It was the lat...
Read full storyWayne offered me Nanny's job, claims prostitute Jennifer Thompson
Jennifer Thompson, the party-girl turned prostitute at the centre of the ongoing Rooney scandal, has made further revelations about her fling with the Manchester United and England striker today. Thompson, a 21 year-old slapper from Bolton, confes...
Read full storyIf The Shoe Fits
With all the Pomp and Ceremony usually associated with a Papal-or at very least, a Louie Walsh visit-Tony Bliar,the defunct oberfuhrer of the dreaded New Labour Fourth Reich arrived in Dublin to promote his utterly tasteless Autobiography:"The Machia...
Read full storyCapo Rues Roos Rocks
Fabio Capello always knew Rooney liked a bit on the side, but a right swinger was not always available. 'His trouble' said the England manager 'is that he can easily stray offside. His brain appears to be between his legs.' This startling discover...
Read full storyToddler Plans Shenanigans At Cambridge
A toddler who has won a place at Cambridge University is planning to have a wild time. Little Aloysius Motherboard, aged two-and-a-quarter, will begin his studies in fingerpainting, numbers and astrophysics, in October. But unlike his fellow ju...
Read full story"My Phone Tap Hell" By John Prescott
The amazing story of how John Prescott's phone tap hell saved his life has been revealed by a close friend for the first time. The friend has disclosed how the phone tap crises brought Prezza back from the brink of life threatening obesity and saved...
Read full storyELO Member Injured In Incident With Electric Light Bulb
The pop music world was rocked today when it was discovered that Jeff Lynne, the singer with 1970s/1980s band the Electric Light Orchestra (ELO), had been injured in an accident with an electric light bulb. Lynne, 62, the co-founder of the band al...
Read full storyProms Review: Proms 65 & 66
(65) Beethoven - Symphony No 4 Mahler - Symphony No1 (66) Wagner - Parsifal, Prelude (Act 1) R. Strauss - Four Last Songs Schoenberg - Five Pieces for Orchestra Webern - Six Pieces for Orchestra Berg - Three Pieces for Orchestra Karita Mattila soprano Berliner Philharmoniker, Sir Simon Rattle Pierre Noxious writes: There was no getting out of this, was there? Sir Simon and the Be...
Read full storyWayne Rooney Shags Own Grandma?
Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney has crashed into the headlines once more this morning after it was revealed that the woman with whom he has been carrying on a passionate extra-marital affair was his very own grandma. Rooney, a 'vital cog' i...
Read full storyOptimus Prime Injures Extra on Set of "Transformers 3."
A Transformers 3 extra who was injured while filming a stunt is in a critical condition, and Optimus Prime, the star of the Michael Bay-helmed movie is being held without bail or gasoline at an upstate Illinois impound lot. Authorities said the cr...
Read full storyWeapons of Mass Distraction: Big, Long & Ready To Blow
THE HAGUE - Due to the quick-draw popularity of Iran's recently unveiled unmanned drone bomber aircraft - the so-called "Ambassador Of Death" (for no other reason than apparently because "Semi-Big Thing That Will Blow Up Near Where You Live" was alre…
Read full storyPresident Obama Considers VP Biden's Newest Iraq Strategy
Washington DC: President Obama is not optimistic about Iraq's stability when all American troops leave in December 2011. What if Iraq has not yet formed a government, does not have an oil revenue sharing plan and Iraqi's continue to kill each other?...
Read full storyFossil of "Missing Link" Between Humans and Apes Found with Darwin's Possessions!
For years, Darwin's theories involving humans and apes, and whether or not both shared a common ancestor, was always lacking definitive proof in the form of fossilized remains of the theorized creature. That issue exists no more: a complete fossil...
Read full storyTaliban University offers four year degree
The College of Taliban is offering a new four-year degree in Suicide bombing. Alfrasondefrick Mohamed, Dean of students says the field of Suicide Bombing is booming and sees the need to prepare future students for an exciting and explosive career...
Read full story"Next cue card, Cholo!" Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer Has Stroke During Debate; Not Really Ready For This "'Remembering Important Things' Thing."
Supporters of Arizona Governor Jan Brewer are saddened this morning over reports that she actually suffered a series of debilitating strokes during the Gubernatorial debate yesterday. "It was obvious that she was in a lot of trouble early on," sai...
Read full storyThe New "Its All About Me" Party
A new political entity has formed that intends on usurping the most adamant followers of all other parties into its fold. It is called the "Its All About Me Party" and has astonishingly employed the core instincts and philosophies of all the other re...
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