As the UK is rocked by yet another scandal involving a footballer and a prostitute, Skoob Sports News elected to send our sports correspondent Donald Skoob (copyright Monkey Woods) out to smell some rats.
Following revelations about Wayne Rooney paying a Bolton hooker £1200 a toss, our executive team decided that there was a high probability that Steven Gerrard and John Terry had also been involved with 'Juicy Jeni' so they sent Donald out to investigate.
In his big overcoat.
Having got as far as Basingstoke bus station cafe, Donald elected to pop in for fried eggs on toast and a large tea.
With sugar.
There was no sign inside of Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney, or John Terry, let alone Jennifer 'Juicy Jeni' Thompson, much less any sign of blow job activities in the bus station bogs involving Premiership footballers.
Donald then took a bus to Victoria Coach Station in London, had two pints of lager in that pub that used to be called the Travellers Rest but is now known for some bizarre reason as the Rat And Ferret or somesuch, and got a bit tired and disillusioned by his 'Mission Impossible.'
"Gerrard and Terry didn't deny that they knew 'Juicy Jeni'" he later stated. "But then they couldn't have because I didn't see them. Come to think of it, I didn't see any other Premiership footballers either. I did see some mad old woman pushing a shopping trolley and wearing about a dozen coats. But other than that it was a complete waste of time. I hate that London. Full of nutters it is. Some of the silly buggers wear pork pie hats or fedoras. Too bloody weird for my liking."
More as I make it up!
