Professionals hook-up company - "Wayne Rooney" Press Release

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 6 September 2010


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Don't be a Rooney - keep quiet!

Press Release from PHUCKS to all our customers who do not wish to do a 'Rooney'.

We are the Professionals Hook-Up Completely Kept Secret company. Wayne Rooney may be the latest of our customers to hit the headlines, but he's not the only one.

Peter Crouch, John Terry, Steven Gerard and Ashley Cole are other English Professional footballers who have not followed our guidelines, although we have serviced all except one of this year's World Cup squad. Despite the news splash, these sportsmen would all happily offer testament to our professional "Playing Away From Home" service. As would our international customers, such as Tiger Woods and Michael Schumacher. Even Prince Andrew remains a repeat customer.

We are still totally discreet, and will provide you with a woman who is barely half as attractive as the woman you are currently with.

Here at PHUCKS we will ensure that your perfect match will be delivered to your door without the press being alerted. We will arrange shopping trips or holidays for your partner to ensure that both they and the press are looking the other way whilst you fulfil your desire to have illicit sex.

We will completely clean up all evidence of your dalliance afterwards.

What we cannot do (and the reason for this press release to all our customers who have yet to appear in the tabloids), is to keep the affair quiet when our customers do not abide by the guidelines set out in PHUCKS for Beginners document you were issued with on joining.

Firstly, do not tell your non-famous friends. Do not see the same girl again, instead please come back to us for another. Do not contact the girl again...ever, and definitely do not text pictures of your anatomy to them. Do not tell either your partner or the press. Do not take her to a high class restaurant or your yacht. Finally, do not, under any circumstances, mention your use of our services to an Arab in a pub, they are invariably undercover News of the World reporters, as Arabs do not drink in pubs.

All of the girls we use will keep silent unless questioned directly, as they are easily swayed by money.

Should those of you yet to appear in the tabloids follow these simple steps, you will stay out of the press and your public relationship will remain solid. If you wish to use our service again, please contact us at the usual number.

Thank you in advance for your repeat custom.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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