Girls, These Affairs Need to Pay Off Soon

Funny story written by Olive Pepper

Monday, 6 September 2010

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OK, let's come to order. We have a full agenda tonight and I have to be out of here in an hour to get ready for my date with the senator. He's taking me to the French embassy for a Franco-American appreciation wine and cheese party and I've let the National Enquirer know about it but I doubt they'll send anyone. The guy's a backbencher who'll probably not run for reelection next year, so who cares if he's got a hot one like me hanging on his arm? And that's really what this meeting is about tonight, ladies. We're just not getting out there and getting the right lawmakers. Ever since Rielle's knockout punch in early 2010, we've gotten lazy-and, I don't need to add, none of us has gotten rich. And that includes Rielle-not to slam Rielle, who I love like a sister, believe me. But why did she do the GQ spread for basically nothing? Thank heavens she got smart and sued Andrew Young for book royalties.

But let's not go there. We're not here to slam one of our sisters; we're here to make sure each and every one of us, by this time next year, is rich and infamous. And that's why I'm so torn about my date tonight with the senator. Yes, he's married. Yes, he always runs on a family-values theme. Yes, he tore into Clinton when the president had the affair with our sister Monica. But no one cares about him. He's got to be in his late 70s, no one has high exoectations of him, so the media just isn't biting even though last month I purposely left his office in Washington with my bra strap obviously askew. So, as you can see, what I need to do is extricate myself from this relationship and hook into someone else.

Now, of course Donna couldn't be here with us tonight, what with her media crusade, but I talked to her on the phone two days ago about my probem, and she said she was facing a similar problem before she finally landed on Gary Hart's lap on Monkey Business. I agree with you it's hard to believe it's been 22 years since that great moment in our club's history, but if we just work smarter rather than harder we don't have to wait another 22 years before one of us comes up a winner like that.

Now, what we don't want to do is make the mistake that Wendy Yow made, and maybe her experience is a good lesson why we should all remain members of this group. I implored her not to let her membership drop, but she wouldn't listen and now you see where she is: no one knows about her or her affair with Sen. Vitter even though no one has preached the gospel of family values harder than David Vitter. I mean, had Wendy played her cards right, she would have had her own TV show by now or at least some kind of commentator post like Sarah Palin. Sure, Palin was a governor for two years, but does that qualify her to comment on natonal and international affairs? Of course not. Yet, there she is, racking in the dough. And where's Wendy? Nowhere. What a waste! Wendy's hot. She's a babe. She's also on no one's radar screen, and that's just not acceptable. Our reputation took a ding when the media let Vitter walk without Wendy getting rich and famous. Well, we cannot let that happen again.

To that end, I'm thrilled to report that our sister Molly Hagerty is making all the right moves. She's demanding no less than $1 million from the National Enquirer to tell everything about Al Gore groping her during their "massage" session. In fact, I've been so impressed by her smart media moves that I asked her to speak at our next meeting. I'm hoping she can give us some insight into her media planning and outreach. Bottom line: she's doing it right, and I wouldn't be surprised if by this time next year she's pocketed more than a million dollars and become a household name. I confess I'm a little concerned that she's not blonde, but we shouldn't let hair color get in the way of our unfettered support for her. To bring down Mr. Do-Gooder is just too good to be true, so I can see Molly being inducted into our Hall of Fame in the not too distant future.

Now, you're probably wondring abot the status of Rep. Mark Souder's affair with Tracy Meadows Jackson. Well, this is a problematic affair for us, because I don't consider Tracy to be a true sister in our sorority, so I have not talked to her. If any of you disagree with me, that's fine. I'm open to hearing your arguments. But she doesn't appear to be in it for the money and that really bothers me. I mean, news organizations have contacted her and she's refused to take their questions. So, if that's going to be her attitude, we can't very well invite her into our group and offer up support. Clearly, she has to want our help; we can't force it on her. So, if she's going to be turning away interviews, then all I can say is, you're on your own, baby.

Finally, some of you have asked about Maria Belen Chapur and whether her affair with South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford warrants some outreach from us. Again, her case gives us complications and I'm open to hearing from you on your thoughts. I'm inclined not to reach out to her at this time, but if she comes out with a media push in the next few months, while her story still has some legs, then I think we should be there for her. However, if she's going to continue to hole up in Argentina, then clearly we're occupying different places on this and we should just wish her a good life and move on.

Well, I have to run, so if there's no more business let's adjourn. I was going to bring up Cynthia Hampton and Sen. John Ensign, but I'm ready to give up on her. She's another one who's not cooperating as fully as we would like, so, as I told her in a phone call the other day, if she's not going to work with us on maximizing her exposure, then she can't expect us to cough up resources on her behalf. In any case, even if she set a goal for herself of, say, $500,000, it gets complicated because Ensign's wife is clearly better looking, so, you have to ask, what's up with that? So, I'm suggesting that we put her case on the back burner and not even bring it up tonight.

OK, good meeting, everybody. At our get-together next month, I'll bring you up to date on the status of my affair with Sen. Nobody, and you guys do the same with your projects in the works. Until then, get screwed, get coverage, and get rich!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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