Written by Sidney Bollocks

Monday, 6 September 2010


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image for Domestic violence: four in ten victims are men, study reveals
battered husband

A recently published study has revealed that four in ten domestic violence victims are men. Professor Basil Belter of the Family and Social Studies faculty at the University of Peckham says the findings are shocking.

"Gone are the days when domestic violence was the exclusive realm of men", he says. "Men are now almost as likely as women to be physically or mentally abused. This abuse can take many forms, including being struck between the eyes with a steam iron or being beaten about the head with a fake Gucci handbag, to the more subtle forms such as the remote control being hidden or the fridge being overly stocked with wholemeal bread and fresh vegetables, so as not to allow room for any lager". Other risk factors appear to be where in the lunar/menstrual cycle one's partner is currently, as well as whether Sex In The City is on the tv.

The study also showed that, demographically speaking, men are more likely to be assaulted by wives and girlfriends if they live in Liverpool. In fact, all of the victims in the study were found to be living in Toxteth.

"Worryingly", Professor Belter went on to say, "this may not be the whole picture. Some men will be scared shitless of the hiding they will get if the missus finds out they have blabbed. We believe there to be a cluster of just such victims in the Romford area".

Professor Belter said that much more research is required in this field and that he is also keen to conduct research into battered professional soccer players.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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