Alarums at Lancaster Gate today as it was revealed that Wayne Rooney, England's star baldy nutted scouse striker was spotted yodelling about Bolton benefit scrounging hooker Jennifer Thompson to a lonely goatherd ahead of England's crucial Euro qualifier in Switzerland.
As in the musical 'The Sound Of Music.'
Or was that Austria?
Wazza was seen doing his yodel-eh-eh-tee to the bored looking goatherd on a mountainside as he explained that he was sincerely hoping he hadn't caught the dreaded Von Trapp off the £1200 a night (reduced rates for a BJ in the bogs) Bolton Peter Kay soundalike tart.
The goatherd told Wazza not to worry his balding napper over it, as the probability was that Thompson didn't have the Von Trapp, as bad girls almost invariably take precautions to avoid such occurrences.
Rumours that Wazza has texted Julie Andrews with a possible view to a lucrative soapy tit wank in a Manchester hotel have yet to be confirmed.
The goatherd did however tell Wazza that there could be complications with Coleen - the WAG supremo - and that if she decided to kick his arse to the kerb, it may well cost the street soccer star a few million.
In a divorce settlement.
John Terry refused to offer the hand of friendship to the Manchester United striker, referring to him as: "A stupid boy. Like Pike out of Dad's Army."
Captain Mainwaring refused to comment as he is dead.
More as we get it.
