Porcine Chanteuse Mariah Carey Sings "Don't Let Go", Backup Dancers Fail To Obey
Stadium-goers in Singapore, the world's most f--ked-up island country, were jarred from their seats when porcine chanteuse Mariah Carey-Cannon fell onstage while singing the line "don't let go" from her 1992 sh-tburger "Make It Happen (Get Me A KFC D...
Read full storyMariah Carey's Fall Does Tens Of Dollars Of Damage In Singapore
Mariah Carey, the woman who was married to a record producer before he left her for a hot Mexican chick 55 years his junior, who then gained about 6,000 pounds and ended up marrying the guy who chewed on the scenery for every one of the 110 minutes t...
Read full storyEarth's Crust Damaged By Mariah Carey's On-stage Fall
The faces of Mariah Carey's managers are as red as her gelatinous ass, after the Weeble-like singer fell on stage during a concert in Singapore, injuring several dancers, damaging the crane used to hoist her upright... ... And, geologists say, the...
Read full storyLohan Back in Jail
Reports are flying around the web that Lindsay Lohan is back in jail again. Lohan has recently been released from a term in jail, after having violated her probation. A source close to Lohan has denied the allegations. The source said "It's sim...
Read full storyIrish Bank uses topless tellers to raise funds
In a desperate bid to stay solvent an Irish Bank has urged all its bank tellers to work topless in order to save their jobs. Molly Malone from Anglo-Irish Bank retail division "We need to recapitalise our current assets, if we are to cover the...
Read full storyCompare the Meerkat's Aleksandr Orlov found in loaf of bread
A food production company has been fined 50 pounds after the star of an insurance comparison website advert was found in a loaf of bread. Aleksandr Orlov of Compare the Meerkat fame was discovered by a man in Oxford as he was making sandwiches for...
Read full storyTiger Woods Takes Early Lead In Ryder Cup With 18 Ho'les To Play
Tiger Woods and his entourage of 18 Ho'les arrived early Monday morning by private jet at the Celtic Manor in Wales to acclimate themselves for this weeks Ryder Cup competition. While most members of his team were accompanied by their wife or select...
Read full storySarah Palin Booed on Dancing with the Stars
Sarah Palin was booed again, but this time she was booed by the liberal dancers and liberal dancing fans on Dancing with the Stars. "I am used to getting booed by liberals, so getting booed while I was trying to support my daughter dancing effort...
Read full storyHamas criticises US over peace talks
The leader of Hamas, Mohammed Moeggs, today criticised President Obama over the recent Middle East peace talks. He said, "Every time there is a new American president, he comes to the Middle East to try to kick-start the peace talks between the Pa...
Read full storyCWG news: Bummed-out Pawkisstawnis complain about washroom facilities - shunning toilet paper for hand-washing backsides & demanding Muslimy squat toilets for 'taking a crape'
Just how media slavish the Pawkisstawnis are, came to the fore at the Commonwealth Games. After countries like South Africa - LOL! - complained about their facilities - the pompous Porkis - always eager to take advantage of a situation jumped on the...
Read full storyTurnip now 'root vegetable of choice' for West-Coast Rappers
It may just be a humble root crop, but the turnip is now the must-have accessory of the West Coast rap scene, so beloved of SUVs, cognac and diamond-encrusted watches. The vegetable has become famous as a result of the song 'Bitch Smokes My Turnip...
Read full storyGreenwich Meridian to Move
After three centuries in its current position next to the Royal Observatory in Greenwich Park the zero latitude line is to move 31 metres to the left. A European Community panel of two French Judges and one German Judge decided that the line paint...
Read full storyRyder Cup Tiger Woods Canadian Foley as Canada Legalizes Prostitution
For all of us average hackers it seems weird that the 'God of Golf' Tiger Woods is now changing his swing. As a 12 year old Tiger Woods broke or tied the Masters record and then went on to win the US Open at Pebble Beach by 12 shots. Tiger Woods play...
Read full storyWhen is a Hooker not a Hooker? Ask Becks!
David Beckham has been accused of hooking up with a hooker or two in a New York hotel, what's new? The Hooker in question, Irma "le douce" Nici now faces a $16 million writ in which David is suing her for slander, bla, bla, bla, etc. David neve...
Read full storyExciting Prospects for Tory Conference
Following the Liberal Democrat Conference, which has now faded from memory, and the Labour Conference which elected a new left of centre leader, David Cameron is preparing for an exciting Conservative Conference. Unfortunately the whole Conference...
Read full storyDavid Milliband headed for North Korea
Disappointed candidate for the leadership of the Labour Party, David Milliband, pipped on the post by his brother Ed, is heading for a new job as President of North Korea. 'This position is becoming vacant and I was head hunted by the North Korean...
Read full storyDogs are not mans best friends, crocs are (as long as they're well fed)!
A Costa Rican man has proven that dogs are not man's best friend, crocs are and doggies should be replaced by them. Albeit, man should not abandon their woof, woofs, that's cruel, instead they should just feed them to the crocs. There is one sligh...
Read full storyBritish Army deploys to Las Vegas
A leaked report has revealed that the government intends to deploy the bulk of the British armed forces to Las Vegas next spring. Apparently, they are concerned that the influx of traumatized troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan will have a...
Read full storyAthletes advised to wear burkas instead of team jerseys outside CWG venues to thwart terrorists. Exhibitionist, cross-dressing Brit team manager says "Brilliant" as he adds four to his wardrobe.
Athletes from Canada, UK, Oz and NZ have been advised by their CWG hosts not to wear their team jerseys outside the venues - for their own safety. "Mad Pakistani terrorists are waiting to cause mayhem", said the Delhi Chief of security. To make...
Read full storyCentre Of Universe Located!
An influential scientist has thrown the world of theoretical physics into confusion with a controversial idea about the individual's place in the universe. Previously, the individual's place in the universe was the realm of philosophers - each per...
Read full storyRahm Emanuel 'leaving White House to run for Moscow mule' - no, wait! - for Moscow Mayor!
Washington AC/DC - (Reuterus): The President's chief of stuff is to fulfill a long-held ambition to run for mayor in his home town of Moscow. The move comes amid a sudden vacancy following today's sacking of Yuri Luzhkov by Russian President Dim...
Read full storyScolding Democratic base for acting like it has erectile dysfunction Joe Biden says "stop whining, take some Viagra, get out there, get it up, reload & refire"
White House attack terrier Joe Biden, who also occasionally doubles as US Vice-President, once again bared his yellowed out fangs at the typically low-energy, I'm-so-outa-here, so-called Democratic base. Attempting to re-energize the flagging Dems...
Read full storyAl Gore Hammers Anna Nicole Smith Obsessions So Do Not Read This
In December of 2007 Nobel Peace Prize Winner Al Gore gave an interview to Time Magazine in which he said, "When I was in the Snow and Ice Data Center receiving a full briefing on the polar ice caps, (the North Pole used to have ice), afterwards I would turn on my TV and there were two networks with the bulletin: 'Britney Spears loses custody of her children.' We're living in a madhouse if our prio...
Read full storyTake the Test: Are You a Man's Man?
Step up and take the Man's Man test, provided you don't mind seeing your actual results. Choose one likely answer per scenario (closest to how you would actually respond) and add those numbered points to your running total. When complete, check your total score at the bottom to reveal how truly manly you are: A. When in a mixed gender social setting, intercourse should be described as: 1.
Read full story30% Of Britons Don't Give A Toss About Work
Hot on the heels of the astounding revelation that 70% of Britons are stressed out over work, a follow up report states categorically that 30% of Britons don't give a toss about work. Critics say that it's attitudes like this which have contribute...
Read full story70% Of Britons Stressed Out Over Work
New figures released today reveal the an astonishing 70% of Britons spend sleepless nights worrying about work, for a bewildering variety of reasons. Since the recession kicked in, British workers have revealed that they are working too hard, for...
Read full storyPrisoner Hides Mobile Phone in Scrotum
Keeping mobile phones out of prisons has always been a problem for Englands jail warders. A common method, used by many cons, is to stuff one up their backside during a visit. Recently, by accident, an amazingly inventive method of hiding a mob...
Read full storyVisibly Pregnant Christine O'Donnell Claims Immaculate Conception
DELAWARE (AP) Responding to widespread allegations initially assumed to be attack politics, Christine O'Donnell's campaign manager yesterday released a statement confirming that the senatorial candidate was "with child" and that it was a 21st century...
Read full storyGP Suspended Over Claims He Charged For Home Visits
A prominent GP has been suspended pending an enquiry that he charged elderly couples for routine home visits. The doctor, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is suspected of pocketing up to £200,000 in a series of house calls spanning 20 years.
Read full storyAliens In Pound Shop Overnight Shopping Sprees
Classified documents which were leaked to the scientific community this week contain the alarming revelation that alien visitors have been making covert raids on pound shops across the length and breadth of Britain. Apparently the aliens are sucke...
Read full storyGeorge W - London Mayoral Election Update 3
The latest news from Daria Place, Dallas, in the run-up to the London Mayoral Elections, is that GW's secretary, Monika Leudinski, is acting as his agent and the Bush home at 10141 Daria Place is going to be his campaign committee room. The latest...
Read full storyBeckam hooker's sex romp vid 'worth a helluva lot more than £16 million defamation writ'
New York - (Reuterus): "Never ever play your trump card until the beast is well and truly hooked," NY defamation lawyers commented today in the Irma Nici libel case. A 'wild card' may be that rump - er, trump! - after a webcam recording of a three...
Read full storyIs 'more than one Diana' buried at Althorp island site?
London - (Reuterus): Is a secret High Court super-injunction gagging plans to exhume Princess Diana's grave at Althorp? Frantic legal moves in the last 24 hours have seen the Human Frights Act invoked to protect the Spencer family's privacy. At...
Read full storyGascoigne takes the helm at Garforth Town
Paul Gascoigne, the cheeky Georgie who wowed the world with his football prowess back in 1998, has taken the vacant manager's job at Evo-Stik First Division (Northern) League side Garforth Town. Chairman of Garforth, Clifford the Big Red Dog, is d...
Read full storyEd Gives Away Labour Leadership - But Not To David!
Shock rippled through Labour today as Edward Miliband made a shocking revelation in his first speech - he is reluctantly giving up the leadership of Labour to his sister Kelly Miliband, after their mother Marion stepped in, saying "The boys get all...
Read full storyKorea's got talent
Today, in the country's capital of Pyongyang, crowds of North Koreans gathered at the Rungrado stadium in anticipation of the arrival of a very special guest. However today was slightly different as the guest was not the usual General as today Korea...
Read full storyWurzels Are Surprise Erotic Novel Smash Hit
Everyone's favourite West Country OAP popstars The Wurzels have surprised publishers by their record first week sales of an erotic novel. In a press release by their manager Felix Fartleather, the Wurzels were stated to be "getting a little old fo...
Read full storyPeter Mandelson Disappearance Could be Iguana Related
A top MI6 operative has leaked the sad news that they believe Peter Mandelson has disappeared. He also revealed he believes the disappearance to be Iguana Secret related. Peter Mandelson was last seen on Tuesday night whilst taking his dog fo...
Read full storyGeorge W - London Mayoral Election Update 2
More news from George W's London Mayoral election campaign. We were unable to speak to George W yesterday because he had a colonoscopy camera up his backside so couldn't speak but in an interview today he spoke of his desire to arm all London Poli...
Read full storyGeorge W - London Mayoral Election Update
George W, yesterday, handed in his nomination paper to become an official candidate for the 2011 London Mayoral Election. He had trouble getting the 15 nominee's names but with the help of 3 homeless people, 2 criminally insane, 4 lobotamised lemu...
Read full storyPurgatory?
A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees "Welcome to <www.Heaven.web>. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue." He doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: "Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So he does. Up pops a screen which...
Read full storySuBo fanatics buy a bookstore!
Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies have today purchased a leading chain of bookstores, after hearing SuBo would be holding a book signing at one of their stores. "We heard the signing would be on a 'first come, first served' basis, wh...
Read full storyCalifornia Pot Legalization: Experts Warn of Hilarious Downfall
SAN DIEGO, CA- Californian's are set to go to the polls in November. A major issue on the ballot is Proposition 19, a proposal to legalize marijuana in the state. Some scientists are warning of unintended negative consequences, should the vote pas...
Read full storyKylie Minogue Meet And Greet
William Nonamici won this year's MTV Meet and Greet competition, having entered on a whim. His choice of celebrity was Kylie Minogue. "She was very nice," Nonamici said afterwards. "I chose Kylie because she's had a hard few years. What with her b...
Read full storyFirebugs start blaze in a dog mess bin in Hemel Hempstead
In a stunningly hilarious twist to the old "burning paper bag filled with dog crap" routine, that has been routinely played out down throughout the centuries, some local kids are thought to be behind the setting fire to a whole shit load of dog poop...
Read full storyEmma Thompson's Language Jibe Backed By Expert
A top elocution expert has backed actor Emma Thompson's broadside against modern teen speak. Thompson, speaking to pupils at her old school, complained that filling sentences with expressions "like" and "innit" made young people sound stupid. A...
Read full storyWord of the Day - Segue
London - SEG -way: SAYG-way. Verb: To proceed without interruption; to make a smooth transition Example: I was having a pint at the 1802 over at Canary Wharf with my mate, Cliff, talking about the EU economy and Italy's plans to raise between 5.5 billion euros and 8 billion euros by selling debt maturing in 2012, 2017 and 2020 and the implication on the Italian automotive industry - imparticula...
Read full storyJagielka gives defending masterclass to kids
Everton and England defender Phil Jagielka was seen on Kids news programme "Newsround" giving a 'Defending Masterclass' earlier today, in what some have accused of being a "ploy to get new Everton players in quickly". The quality defender was givi...
Read full storyBlackBerry PlayBook Critiqued by Angry iPads
The new tablet computer, just introduced to the world at a Research in Motion (that's the BlackBerry company) developer conference in San Francisco, has gotten cheers from some and jeers from others. Apple iPads are in the latter group. Could i...
Read full storyWorm affects Nuclear Plant in Iran
Another spy was detained this year in Iran following allegations that he was "spying" on the plant. Gary the earthworm was happily minding his own business when he accidentally found himself under the fence of the Iranian power plant. Having trigg...
Read full storyFacebookake, rate my Vajazzle
It's all the rage everywhere, everyone is doing it, adults are running around, sticking shiny crap to their junk and yelling "Come on my Facebook and vote on my vajazzled private parts!" And now the kids want in, the latest playground games are le...
Read full storyBeiber chosen for Spacecraft Mission
Nasa. The USA's leading frontier into space. From it's base in Cape Carnevaral in Florida, it has brought huge recognition to the lives of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. Now it's Beiber's turn. Following an incredible turn of events, Britain h...
Read full storyAlamo Computer Breakdown? Brit Tourists Say Old Ways Are Best!
UK tourists returning from the USA have welcomed the computer breakdown that nearly crippled car hire giant Alamo two weeks ago. Tired travellers hoping to pick up their cars at airports and other centres were dismayed to see queues forming when t...
Read full storyDaric Rawr and Selena Gomez back on the BFF Train
Crowns, hideous dresses, and bad synth pop vocals, Selena Gomez has returned to being Daric Rawrs BFF. King5 news confirms that the questionable lesbian princess, has reunited with best friend, after posting on his wall "I love you billions! And miss you bunches!" Yahoo news reported about a month and a half ago, that the two had undergone their first fight as best friends, because Gomez had...
Read full storyMiliband of brothers, cloning facility found by Obi-Wan.
There isn't just David and Ed you know, as well as Glen, reports are coming in from all over the place that Miliband looky likeys are popping up quicker than you can say something that is quick and easy to say and rolls of the tongue with alacrity, l...
Read full storyU.S. Muslims Sent to Concentration Camps
Encouraged by the success of their Muslim extermination campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan, Americans have begun one in their homeland as well. There has always been a rift between Muslims and real Americans, but recent actions by the Muslim community...
Read full storyOldest Titanic Passenger Dies
Gloria Stuart, the actress who was the oldest surviving passenger on the Titanic, has died at her Los Angeles home, aged exactly 100. She died in her sleep, and not, it must be stressed, by drowning. Stuart looked older than her years, however, pl...
Read full storyBosnian Hooker Irma Nici Served With Writ In NYC By Beckham Mafia
The Beckham Mafia finally caught up with Bosnian hooker Irma Nici last night after tracking her down to a Manhattan hotel, and boy did they serve her a writ. As Nici tried to flee in a 4x4, a prominent member, a 'made man' out of the Beckham Mafia...
Read full story"I'm A Celebrity - Vajazzle Me!" - Series At Planning Stage
TV executives remained tight-lipped today as the press pack went wild over rumours sweeping around town regarding "I'm A Celebrity - Vajazzle Me!" - the proposed new network reality show. Vajazzling involves the female subject being Brazilian waxe...
Read full storyGlobal Vampire Halloween Costume Shortages Reported
The Association of Halloween Costume Providers (AHCP) have issued a statement advising anybody who is considering renting a vampire costume for the Halloween festivities to act fast, or else face huge disappointment. Ever popular, vampire costumes...
Read full storyOwner of Segway Dies Leaving Behind Mystery Vehicle Unrevealed!
The owner of the Segway company, James Heselden, has passed, apparently in an accident involving a yet to be named experimental vehicle, known only as X33. The body of James Heselden was pulled from a River in England on Sunday. A Segway-type veh...
Read full storyMiliband brothers form new boy band - Dedward
Manchester, Labour Party Conference: Miliband brothers announce new teen identity to grab more 'Yoof Votes' After a Leadership challenge that could have gone either way, David Miliband & Ed Miliband already had the notion for the boyband - now...
Read full storyCommonwealth Games Latest: English Team Registers 'Catalogue Of Complaints'
Complaints about the Commonwealth Games village in Delhi really started to get into gear this morning, after England's first batch of athletes moved into the much-criticised facility on Monday. The 48 competitors from the hockey, lawn bowls and sh...
Read full storyPastor Terry Jones to Star in Movie
The illustrious clergyman, Pastor Terry Jones, who recently threatened to burn Qurans to 'send a message' to Islam, is being sought to play "Poopdeck Pappy," Popeye's crusty father, in a remake of 1980's "Popeye" movie. "HE'S PERFECT," shouted pro...
Read full storyU.S. Secretly Planning Invasion of Heaven
The United States intends to send troops into Heaven, in a move to prevent terrorists from operating there. Called Operation Free Heaven, the top-secret plan, conceived during the Bush administration but never carried out, is gaining momentum in high...
Read full storyStaten Island Saints Black Smash Cheesequake Mini-Dolphins in Gayest Name For Softball Team Doubleheader
KEYPORT, N.J. - The Staten Island Saints Black swept the Wall Fusion 11-7 and 11-9 in an All Shore Fall League Gayest Named Softball Team Super Olympics And then, the Staten Island Saints 10s swept an All Shore League doubleheader with 10-2 and...
Read full storyTwitter to Launch New Fictional Characters Search
With a lot of fictional characters; from famous ones, such as Homer Simpson, Bender Rodriguez, and Peter Griffin; to the infamous ones, such as Anabelle, Lord Voldemort of Harry Potter, and Herbert the Pervert, fictional characters on social media is...
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