Turnip now 'root vegetable of choice' for West-Coast Rappers

Funny story written by raouldukecommando

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

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Turnips, fo sheedo...

It may just be a humble root crop, but the turnip is now the must-have accessory of the West Coast rap scene, so beloved of SUVs, cognac and diamond-encrusted watches.

The vegetable has become famous as a result of the song 'Bitch Smokes My Turnip' by rapper Lil' Ridickless, a romantic hymn to the lack of gag reflex demonstrated by a former girlfriend of his. The video features the turnip in various states: raw, as part of a slaw, and au gratin. Its exotic nature and, it is said, its grenade-like shape, means it has become the de rigeur vegetable.

'Man, the turnip is some serious shit,' says Suga Plumz, top record producer and style guru. 'It is, like, boss head, A-1 Yola, like a tricked-out parsnip or some swede shit. Ma D-boy got me on celeriac, I said 'turnip, motherfucker, now, don't be gettin' all flossy on me, hog. Fasheezy, mark?' Now I gotta to get me some remoulade on one.'

While the East Coast scene is firmly dominated by the beetroot, California is gripped by turnip fever. The recent VMA awards featured a number of rap dignitaries arriving wearing huge turnip rings, brooches and earrings, while Lada Gaga's turnip dress was an sly fashion nod aimed at achieving some hipness.

However, New York's ever-changing cosmopolitan underground dance scene, where the carrot is king, suggests that the root vegetable may lose its outsider status. Observers suggest that the potato could make a comeback, but, like the courgette, it might go overground.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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