"American public holidays are outdated and need to be modernised for today's America!"
So proclaimed Barack Obama in a televised conference earlier this afternoon.
The brand new move from the Nobel Peace Award Winner comes after Obama wanted to modernise "old and somewhat clunky public holidays. Let's have them for days which our generation will know. Hardly anybody knows about Whitsun," he argued.
Gone are the Whitsun bank holidays. Instead, America will now be celebrating National Hamburger Day.
May Day, a British tradition, has been ousted in favour of "Tom Hanks Day"
Christmas is still on the 25th December, but has been revamped to include a brand new Christmas themed sub at Subway instead of the Christmas Turkey; as well as Santa Claus being replaced with his lesser known relation: Mr. Thomas, Head of the IRS.
Moves for a "Weightwatchers Advent Calendar" were quickly quashed by voters
Bonfire Night has been replaced with "Happy Celebrity Culture Day!"
And strangely, St. David's Day will also be celebrated in America as it is clearly an important holiday with clear values to the American pulic.
More on this as it happens.
