Anne Winters launch sexy anniversary range

Funny story written by IainB

Thursday, 2 September 2010


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Happy fortieth anniversary dear

Anne Winters, one of Britain's largest supplier of erotic toys and lingerie are to launch their own version of anniversary presents.

Traditionally, the first anniversary is celebrated with paper or card, and Anne Winters will continue this tradition with a range of saucy anniversary cards. Nor will the retail chain diverge from the next three years for which they will sell cotton sexy underwear, leather bondage gear and silky lingerie. It is after this that Anne Winters diverge from the previous traditional gifts.

"Traditionally, the fifth anniversary is celebrated with wood," said head of marketing, Mary Hinge. "We figured we could play with this, and are suggesting the Anne Winters Continuous Erection Device."

Instead of iron and wool for six and seven years respectively, Anne Winters suggest items to avoid the seven year itch with some sex toys: dildos for six and vibrators for seven. Eight, nine and ten are traditionally bronze, pottery and tin, but for the couples that are entering the phase of their relationships where sex becomes a chore, their suggestion is instead chocolate body paint, porn films and edible underwear.

By the time the couple gets to their fifteenth anniversary, instead of crystal, Anne Winters are suggesting their specialist range of dogging holidays to reigniting the flickering spark, complete with child care for those romantic getaways. Most couples are secure in their sexuality by the time they get to their twentieth anniversary, and more than likely middle aged. For this reason, china will be replaced with S&M gear.

"Instead of china, we suggest chain!" laughed Hinge. "It's only swapping a couple of letters around!"

The Silver Anniversary that rolls around at twenty-five years will no doubt see no more mystery left in the couple's sex-lives, so sexy board games will introduce an element of surprise. At the thirtieth, even more will be needed than the board games, so instead of pearl role play games come into their own, with the naughty nun and sinful vicars outfits expected to outsell even the damsel and fireman outfits.

By the time the fortieth anniversary comes around, help is going to be need and it is for this reason that Anne Winters are launching their own variation of Viagra to replace ruby.

"We're only going up to the fiftieth anniversary," said Hinge. "We will call this the Lubricant anniversary instead of Gold."

There are no plans to go beyond fifty years, as their market research shows that nobody over the age of seventy has sex. Or at least, nobody over the age of seventy will admit to it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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