Fantasia Barrino, last seen on stage placing 3rd in a Chris Tucker lookalike contest in Muncie, Indiana, has used her selfish attempt to orphan her children as a career-springboard: Her new album is number 2 on Billboard's Album charts.
"I wish I had thought of this earlier," said Fantasia, "Because it was totally worth it!"
It became public in August, 2010 that Barrino had a year-long relationship with Antwaun Cook, a married T-Mobile phone salesman. Providing her children with an invaluable lesson on how to deal with life's hardships, Fantasia downed a handfull of aspirin and an unknown sleep-aid in a suicide attempt that landed her in a Pineville, North Carolina hospital.
Now, the brave and courageous Barrino traded her stomach lining for Billboard's Number 2 album, behind only whats-her-name with the D-cups who sings "California Gurls".
"Just think about it: My first album, 'Free Yourself', only went to number 8. 'Fantasia' hit 19," said Barrino. "But just after one suicide attempt, Bang!, 'Back To Me' hits #2. Yay, me!"
That voice actor Mary Kay Bergman shot herself because she felt her career was a failure? Bergman only voiced, like, 20 characters on South Park, as well as in 101 Dalmatians: A Lucky Christmas, Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein, Annabelle's Wish, Balto II: Wolf Quest, Beauty and the Beast, Spider-Man, Star Wars: Episode I Video Game, Tenchu 2: Birth of the Stealth Assassins, The Tick, Toy Story 2, Twisted Tales of Felix the Cat, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, Captain Planet and the Planeteers, Curse of Monkey Island, Extreme Ghostbusters, Fairly OddParents, Fantastic Four, The Animated Series, Hercules, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Iron Giant, King's Quest, Lady and the Tramp II, Life & Adventures of Santa Claus, The Little Mermaid, New Adventures of Captain Planet, Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders, and in the 1992 audio book Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What a failure!
Interestingly, Barrino's career was not the first to benefit from a flirtation with the Grim Reaper.
* Rotund comedian Artie Lange, who attached his voluminous coattails to talents such as Howard Stern and Norm McDonald, attempted suicide in January, 2010 by stabbing himself in the stomach with a knife. Doctors say he would've needed the Sword of Damocles to reach any vital organs*.
Since the incident, sales of Lange's comedy DVD tripled, even though it was still unfunny.
* Just a few months after Mary-Kate Olsen murdered actor Heath Ledger*, he won an Academy Award for his portrayal of The Joker in The Dark Knight.
* Tejano music star Selena, whose record sales were in a slump, committed suicide in 1995 by shooting herself in the back, renewing interest in her music. Interestingly, Selena's family framed the president of Selena's fan club for her murder*.
Barrino recognizes, however, that she may have to raise the personal-tragedy stakes the next time she has a product to promote. But she is up to the task.
"For my world tour, which starts in November, I think I may shoot one of my kids," said Barrino. " 'Fantasia Suffers Another Heartbreak', the newspapers will read."
"I know that sounds a little severe," concluded Barrino. "But, clearly, I don't care about my kids. Why else would I have attempted suicide?"
* Allegedy, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly!
