Top 10 reasons for not accepting RED into your lives
These are the top ten reasons for NOT accepting RED into your lives: submitted by an anonymous writer known merely as 'WHO'. 10. Red lingerie stands for danger, always has and always will. 9. Red is Satan's colour. 8. Red lights are the ones most people 'run' and get tickets for. The orange and green ones are safe. 7. Red electric rings glowing on your stove should NOT...
Read full storyTerrorist's Feelings Hurt
The war on terror has been officially called off in the wake of charges that American Navy SEALs hurt a terrorists feelings, a Pentagon spokesman said in today's briefing. The three Navy SEALs, facing court-martial for accusations of abusing a ter...
Read full storySubo sings the England World Cup song
It had to happen didn't it? "I Dreamed a Dream" her signature ditty was made for the unwilling stars of the Daily Poop and every nightclub from the West End to deepest Essex. Essex girls don't like you subo, you take away their limelight. Subo just f...
Read full storyWoman finds family of illegal immigrants in bananas from local supermarket
An elderly widow from Milton Keynes was shocked to discover a family of 8 illegal immigrants sleeping in a bag of Fair Cop bananas she bought from her local supermarket. Fat bag Daisy Upton, 73, said, "Ooh, well, now there's thing. I did think...
Read full storyHolland's Geert Wilders proves that Holland is a land of "Cheese Eaters" and not "Kebab Eaters"!
Dutch, slightly righter than left politician, Geert Wilders, is on a holy mission. He wishes to prove not only to Holland, but also to the rest of the world that the Dutch are a nation of cheese eating, tulip growing, windmill worshipping weed smo...
Read full storySex scandal rocks India as Holyman does a "John Terry"!
Guru and Holyman, Nithyananda Swami, has been caught on video doing what most Indian Holymen should never do, bunking it up with two women in bed. The "Horny Holy Man" was shown having raunchy sex sessions with the two women and his devoted follow...
Read full storyLocal Man Attends Hateful Bastard Summit
Local man Tom Wilbourne - a self-proclaimed hateful bastard - is in attendance at the International Hateful Bastards Summit in Blackpool. Tom, 25, says he is honoured to be representing the local community and rubbing shoulders with some of the pl...
Read full storyJake The Bachelor Having Second Thoughts About Vienna: "What The Hell Was I Thinking?"
DALLAS - Jake Pavelka, the 2010 Bachelor has chosen Vienna Girardi, the woman that he wants to marry, have kids with, and spend the rest of his life with...or maybe not. An inside source says that the 31-year-old Texan commercial pilot has confide...
Read full storyNew government campaign targets spontaneous human combustion
Costing 3 billion pounds, the new hard-hitting government safety campaign, aimed at cutting fatalities from spontaneous human combustion, will show a man whistling nonchalantly like some kind of idiot while smoke rises all around him. Featuring th...
Read full storyGreed, Espionage, and Ear Wax
At a hastily prepared press conference today Ski Wax Company Ya-Sure-You-Betcha disclosed their secret ingredient in their amazing racing wax - ear wax. Believing the secret was already in the hands of industrial espionage agents Betcha told the...
Read full storyMariah Carey's Husband Says Her Boobs Have Gotten So Gigantic He Is Afraid To Touch Them For Fear That They'll Explode!
LAKE TAHOE, Nevada - Mariah Carey had just performed at Lake Tahoe's Queen of Spades Club before a private audience made up of members of The San Francisco Giants baseball team. Last year Carey was voted as The Woman We Would Most Like To Have Tou...
Read full storyAdam Lambert Delivered Hot Buns To Simon Cowell During American Idol!
A former contestant on American Idol told reporters this morning that she had witnessed fellow contestant, Adam Lambert, delivering hot buns to judge Simon Cowell. "They thought that everyone had left the show that night but I was so down after b...
Read full storyIs Elin Nordegren Showing Tiger How Cheating Feels?
A new name that has come up in the Tiger Woods/Elin Nordegren soap opera, Swen Nootrak. Although little is known about rock guitarist Swen, he has been mentioned as being seen with Elin at different places in Europe and was apparently an old "fri...
Read full storyMan With World's Longest Penis Now Six Inches Shorter
Hardon Privates is back from the sex clinic and the hospital and doing fine, according to his wife, Ms. Glamour Privates. "They operated on Hardon and he's six inches shorter. Also they took a big middle section out of his wanger. That cut him dow...
Read full storyFake Pilot arrested just minutes before take off
A fake pilot was arrested in Amsterdam just minutes before take off today shortly after the real pilot was found unconscious in the gents toilet without his uniform. A police spokesman Dick Van Dyke said the man detained was clearly in a confused...
Read full storySuboblight virus, aka IDAD2009, strikes around the world
As the growing season approaches in the Northern Hemisphere, horticulturists, market gardeners and gardeners in general have been given early warning of a phenomenon that strikes any red flower or vegetable. This warning has become necessary as growe...
Read full storyWarmonger Blair to earn 5 million pounds from talking shit
Warmonger Tony B Liar is set to earn over 5 million pounds when his memoirs are published later this year. Former Prime Monster B Liar is responsible for the deaths of millions of people in Iraq and Afghanistan including babies and children and of...
Read full storyMadman in number ten
A madman known as Mad Marty Morrison was today sectioned under section 4 of the mental health act. Marty was taken away from outside number ten downing street for causing a disturbance. He was sectioned as an emergency case under section 4 of the...
Read full storyAmerican Idol: If Kara DioGuardi Sits Any Closer To Simon Cowell She'll Be Sitting On His Lap!
HOLLYWOOD - The ten remaining girls performed on American Idol. And as Ryan Seacrest talked to the judges, it was fairly obvious that Kara DioGuardi cannot seem to keep from touching Simon Cowell's hands, arms, shoulders, and during the commercials h...
Read full storyLady GaGa is the real Mad Hatter so forget Johnny Depp
Lady GaGa is the real Mad Hatter so you can forget Johnny Depp star of the latest Tim Burton blockbuster Alice in Wonderland. Recently Lady GaGa the Maddest Pop star around at present has been seen wearing hats in the shape of a telephone,a lobste...
Read full storyJon Venables New Identity Compromised
A man standing outside the Home Office today admitted that the new identity of Jon Venables, the brutal killer of toddler Jamie Bulger on Merseyside in 1993, has indeed been compromised and is available on the internet. The spokesman didn't say ex...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart speak out about number of Spoof Stories about them on the internet.
Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart have been speaking out about the number of poofs on the internet, sorry that should have been Spoofs. Pattinson speaking from Kent in England from the film set of his latest Movie BEL AMI, Pattinson said "Kri...
Read full story"An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away" Republican health care plan
The Republican leadership in a joint health care press conference today, announced their plans for a total health care system overhaul. Congressman John Boehner, of Ohio, stood in front of a draped chalk board and with a flourish, took off the co...
Read full storyLe Retard the Humourless Declared a Saint
Appalled by recent events in London when an individual known as LeRetard was ordered beheaded by a special session of the Council of the Star Chamber held by Team Purple, a press release was issued today by a spokesperson representing The Red Cult, a...
Read full storyEarthquakes & Tsunami's increase as PLANET X gets closer
NASA have ordered all staff to shut up about planet X which is allegedly heading closer to earth causing more and more Earthquakes and Tsunamis. The last time Planet X was mentioned in any news was just after Xmas day when Planet X was visible on...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Falls Off Mountain Bike
We're receiving news from our Los Angeles correspondent Ernie Trebblechance that Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus has been involved in a mountain bike accident in a location close to the Hollywood Hills. We're told that Miley misjudged a downhill g...
Read full storyDetectives quiz Venables about Portugal holiday
London - (Ass Mess): The 27 year-old parole breaker was interviewed at HMP Wormwood Scrubs after cops seized foreign holiday snaps going back several years. Under parole licence rules Venables has been barred from vacationing abroad without offici...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson 'Fled' USA To Arrange Blackpool Wedding
According to our sources, reports of Robert Pattinson fleeing the USA after some terrible row with love interest Kristen Stewart are terribly misguided. We were told that Rob was in a hurry to depart the USA simply because he was hurrying to Black...
Read full storyMcGregor's girl is Octa-gone
The girlfriend of Rangers goalkeeper Leah Shevlin has been approached by the President of the Ultimate Fighting Championship with a view to her becoming the sports first female competitor. UFC bosses were hugely impressed by the severity of the pi...
Read full storySubo deportee discovered in Edinburgh
Hidden away in the lanes and narrow streets of the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, a solitary figure tends her stall, always keeping a watchful eye on the passing tourists. From the stall she sells her home made tribute videos and unofficial, tacky painting...
Read full story'Wanking' Game Removed From Shelves
Gaming corporation Wankbrothers have come under severe fire after one of their popular Wii games requires frantic 'masturbatory movements' in order to get a high score. The controversy was uncovered by concerned parent Michael Bates who described...
Read full storyNaomi Campbell claims "I Didn't Do It"
Naomi Campbell some call her a super model others might call her a super slapper has allegedly slapped her chauffeur while he was driving in New York. The Driver Miodrag Mejdina claims Campbell punched and slapped him from the back seat as he dro...
Read full storySubo culture een tochtje over de volle zee naar Nederland
Miss Boyle, as a reward to her wonderful helpers in the shed, arranged a mini cruise to the Netherlands, it is reported. The happy group boarded their ferry at Newcastle at 5pm and made their way to their Commodore Class luxury cabins for the trip to IJmuiden in the Netherlands. Soon it was time to explore and in need of a malt, they tracked down a huge bar, with a stage and with an open vi...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen in talks with Mr Sheen about television advertisements
Charlie Sheen the notorious Hollywood bad boy has been contacted by the makers of Mr Sheen cleaning products to see if he is interested in being the face of Mr Sheen in the Mr Sheen television advertisements which are shown in many countries througho...
Read full storyChuy Adds Weight To Ripper Freedom Campaign
Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe was reportedly 'delighted' to hear that the elusive 'Chuy' and his 'Bobby Dazzlers' fan club were wholly supportive of the serial killer's latest bid for freedom. Sutcliffe, who murdered at least 13 women in the No...
Read full storyAl Gore moves to Las Vegas because he is fed up giving Global Warming Lectures in the Snow
Al Gore has moved to Las Vegas because he is fed up giving Global warming lectures in the snow. There is of course a problem its so hot in Las Vegas that nobody wants to listen to a guy yap on about Global Warming for six hours when they could be goi...
Read full storySusan Boyle takes up Pool and becomes Subo Potter
Susan Boyle who sometimes sings has taken up Pool and is apparently very good at it. Subo is now being called Super Subo Potter and although her style is not exactly conventional she does seem to get great accuracy using her cue. One of the bigge...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, and Selena Gomez To Appear In A Telethon To Raise Money For Purity Rings
GREEN BAY, Wisconsin - Taylor Swift, appearing at an outdoor concert in Green Bay, Wisconsin said that she has agreed to join Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez in a nationwide telethon to help raise money to purchase one million purity rings to be given o...
Read full storyNorskis Win Big in Cross-Country, But Why?
Vancouver, B.C. Winter Olympics Are History - The Norwegians and Swedes know how to Cross Country ski -- they won 8 of the potential 12 Gold Medals and 16 of the 36 possible. The US Total for Cross Country Skiing was 0-Gold, Zip-Silver, and Nada...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen To Direct Himself, His Ex-Wife, Denise Richards, and Lindsay Lohan In The Film "Mumbai Ménage A Trois"
LOS ANGELES - Entourage Pictures in association with Universal Pictures has just announced that Charlie Sheen of Two and a Half Men fame will star and direct in the Marlengo Garigliano produced film Mumbai Ménage a Trois Charlie Sheen will co-star...
Read full storyTiger Woods Reveals That His Wife Elin Nordigren's "Landing Strip" Could Easily Accommodate A C5A Cargo Plane
ORLANDO - After three months of keeping quiet Eldrick Tont Woods has revealed to CNN's Larry King the real reason he cheated on his wife. Tiger said that he had promised Elin that he would never reveal the real reason but only if she moved back in...
Read full storyGuus Hiddink Just Can't Make His Mind Up!
Guus Hiddink, the former De Graafschap, PSV Eindhoven (twice), Fenerbahçe, Valencia, Holland, Real Madrid, Real Betis, South Korea, Australia and Chelsea manager who is presently the manager of Russia until his current contract expires, and who has s...
Read full storyExhausted Satirist Retires To Bed
An anonymous satirist finally packed up his laptop in the early hours of this morning and headed off to bed after hours of mind numbing attempts to find something new and vaguely amusing to say about the individuals currently languishing in the media...
Read full storyGirl Scouts back again with the cookies
Its that time of year again when we all indulge our sweet tooth for a little bite of heaven : Girl Scout Cookies! This year there are some new varieties to try out, Mini Me Shortbread, George Washington Carver Peanut Butter Squares, and of course...
Read full storyNew music category: Speed Bluegrass Metal
Well stand back all you rockers, rhythm and blues and country fans because here comes Speed Bluegrass Metal, a lively mixture of Alison Krause meets Korn meets Def Leppard! Developed during the International Bluegrass festival in Pine, Idaho last...
Read full storyOscar Winner's Directorial Debut Was Utter Crap
We'd heard the rumours, now we've seen the movie, and we can conclusively confirm that Oscar winning Director James Cameron's directorial debut was a piece of absolute crap. The director's 'monsterpiece', Piranha 2: The Spawning features acres of...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Indifferent Regarding John Terry's Haircut
Cheryl Cole, wife of England left back Ashley Cole and close friend of Sarah Harding out of Girls Aloud expressed an air of indifference when she saw John Terry's much talked about Mohawk haircut. Mrs Cole did not liken the haircut in any way to t...
Read full storyObama Eats Debuts on the Food Channel
Washington DC: President Obama had his physical this week. The doctor indicated that the president was in good health, but has to reduce his bad cholesterol and stop smoking. The president blamed the high cholesterol on the fact that "I now have m...
Read full storyAdults Only Theme Park to Open
Kissmequick FL: The Sidney Organization had plans to build a new adult only theme park adjacent to an existing facility in Florida. Then rumors began to circulate, property values and building costs skyrocketed, making a new park too expensive. Li...
Read full storyPeter Andre And Alex Reid To Feature Together In Pointless News Article
Katie Price aka Jordan was cock a hoop last night as she struck a six figure deal with an international publisher for the exclusive rights to publish details of an interview with Peter Andre and Alex Reid - to be conducted in the same room. It rem...
Read full storyFeathersham finds the Lost Jungle Boy SuBo
India: For the last 150 years there have been reports of a jungle boy named SuBo wandering the jungles/plains in India riding Tigers and Elephants. Dr. Peter Feathersham departed London England in 1900 via a steamship bound for India to find if th...
Read full storyPattinson And Stewart To Star In Another Pointless Remake
Forget Brangelina, Hollywood's new kids on the block Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been earmarked by Janus Film Productions Inc to star in yet another pointless remake. Janus Films is hoping to start production of a pointless remake of...
Read full storySwitzerland's receding glaciers reveal huge mess
The Earth's warming and consequent melting of glaciers high atop the Swiss Alps has led to huge amounts of prehistoric junk being exposed. Once thought to be pristine in their natural beauty, the previously snow covered mountains are now being re...
Read full storyLord Ashcroft Slips Off The Radar
The billionaire Tory Deputy Chairman Lord Ashcroft, one of the Party's top donors has been keeping a mysteriously low profile following revelations that he struck a deal with the previous Conservative government regarding tax avoidance as a result of...
Read full storyASBOs prepared and ready to slap on American Subo fanatics
Police have issued a statement today that they have already prepared ASBO's to slap on crazed American Subo fans when they next arrive in the UK. The riot squad is busy training for their arrival in the event that they are called to duty. Police...
Read full storySpoof Writer Caught Short
Alarming news surfaced last night regarding Spoof writer Skoob1999 as those close to him expressed grave concerns for his wellness. (Wellness? More corporate BS) The Spoof writer, never renowned for being particularly funny is said to be slowly di...
Read full storyLocal Tree Named 'Son Of A Beech'
The tree on the corner of Sycamore Avenue and Birch Grove was officially named 'Son Of A Beech' yesterday in a ribbon cutting ceremony by councillor Vincent Wayward. The forty year old beech tree, believed to be the son of another beech tree follo...
Read full storySatirist Trapped Like Fly In World Wide Web
A UK based satirist today emerged from a mental institution after becoming totally disorientated whilst using a website where nothing is quite what it appears to be, where trees fall down and the pope doesn't hear them, and where nobody seems to know...
Read full storyLondon Man Goes Up The Arse Twice In As Many Days
Londoner Sid Kent last night revealed how he went 'up the arse' twice in as many days with his wife's blessing. Going 'up the arse' is a soccer fan's way of saying that they have visited The Emirates Stadium, home of Arsenal Football Club - hence...
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