Ashley Cole in tight spot again
Ashley Cole was in yet another tight spot yesterday. He was literally curled up in a fetal position in the boot of his own car, sobbing and bubbling about his non-meeting with Cheryl. Cheryl is laughing all the way to the bank but a close friend...Read full story
Sean Penn and Danny Glover Wed in Venezuela
Caracas Venezuela: The first nuptials of the spring season took place in an ancient Cathedral in this country's Capitol City. Sean Penn and Danny Glover officially tied the knot. President Hugo Chavez, Sean's mentor, gave the brides (or grooms) aw...Read full story
David Beckham's new Foundation for Speech impaired Footballers
It has been announced that a new Clinic has been opened, it is "The David Beckham Speech Enhancement Foundation For Speech Impaired Football Players". This charity is said to be close to Susan Boyle's heart and accepts, into its programmes, footb...Read full story
Nessynappers continue to suffer
Nessynappers continue to suffer after having been 'entertained' by Billy Connoly for 24 hours. Susan Boyle herself visited the women but was ordered not to speak, or sing. Susan was asked to merely stand in front of them, out of arms reach and, eve...Read full story
Pompey enlist Bond villain in attempt to beat drop
There were reports yesterday that administration stricken Portsmouth have enlisted the help of the skull faced Baron Samedi, a villain in the James Bond movie 'Live and let die', in their attempt to fight off relegation. A source close to the club...Read full story
Tight Lipped Man Gives Nothing Away
Mick McMack, often accused of being the tightest lipped man in Britain, renowned for his brevity and his penchant for non-charitable deeds, today refused to expand on his previous statement to the press, in which he merely said: "I have nothing to...Read full story
Lisa Marie Presley Now 175 Pounds, Following Elvis Footsteps
Friends of Lisa Marie Presley say that she seems to be following in her dad's footsteps as she has steadily gained weight over the last few years. The tabloids have been showing a growing Lisa Marie, that is the same age as her dad when he died sudde...Read full story
Lady Gaga In Late Night Ambulance Emergency Dash
Singing star Lady Gaga has been rushed to the ER at Cedars Sinai Hospital by ambulance following a medical emergency in a vivid daydream I'm having. Details aren't clear at this point, but it appears that Gaga had dinner with friends and then reti...Read full story
Fat is the new thin
Models, celebrities and serial dieters around the world were today seen panic buying lard and deep fat fryers as a survey of 10 billion people worldwide has found that skinny is sooooooooo last season. Milan catwalks are to be filled with plus si...Read full story
Norman Bates Spends Mother's Day Talking To Himself
Norman Bates spent Mothers Day mainly talking to himself in his padded cell here, alternating between his own voice, and the voice of his murdered mother, which he puts on with creepy effect. Bates, who inspired real life serial killer Ed Gein, of...Read full story
Thatcher arrested for being drunk and disorderly
Baroness Thatcher was arrested yesterday evening in a pub in Peckham. Police were called to the Man in a Boat pub where Lady Thatch was causing mayhem. The Landlord Bob Grisly told us "She was fine to start with telling us how she 'sunk the Belgr...Read full story
UK election on a knife edge - polls say a hung parliament.
Hairbrush Dave, leader of the Conservative Party in the UK is a worried man. Gordon Brown is closing the gap in the polls by the day. "We must think of new strategies to fool the dummy electors" he told Lord Tebbit, henchman and bloodhound of Magg...Read full story
BA Cabin Crew clash with Police
There were ugly scenes at Heathrow airport as picketing British Airways trolley dollies clashed with police. The angry cabin crew, who were protesting about changes to pay and staffing levels, were furious when police turned up wearing the same co...Read full story
Cheryl Cole dead.......
......from the waist down says Ashley - Following his dumping Ashley Cole moaned about his ex today comparing their sex life to a lunar eclipse! "Cheryl would've been happy doing it once every ten years and then in the dark," said Ash. He added...Read full story
Jon Venables 'Not Very Well'
Reports are coming in that convicted baby killer Jon Venables is not feeling very well as he languishes in a prison where most people just want to do him harm. Venables was taken into custody for breach of his terms of release amid widespread rumo...Read full story
$9M BBC Budget, New Studio, and Unlimited Expenses Lure 3 Spoof Announcers to Join World Cup Coverage!
The BBC, sometimes known as 'Bloated Bureaucratic Crap', announced today their budget to cover the World Cup would exceed $9 million due to the construction of a new glass studio for three new and exciting announcers. Sir George Laffingwell confi...Read full story
Celebrity deal or no deal axed
A celebrity edition of deal or no deal has been axed due to the contestants inability to answer the question. Alex Reid, famous for being someone's boyfriend was first up, but failed to get past round one as each time Noel asked him "deal or no...Read full story
Police Issue Bogus Mother Warning
The police today issued a warning to UK householders to beware of bogus mothers operating criminal scams on unwitting citizens on Mothers Day. The warning, which was issued way too late to be of any practical use whatsoever was issued after a numb...Read full story
Suspected Terrorist Dogs to be targeted next
Suspected terrorist dogs are to be taken from their owners under the Prevention of Terrorism Act. The dogs include all Afghan dogs, Afghan Collies, Afghan Hounds, Afghan Retrievers, Afghan Sheepdogs and Afghan Spaniels. Jack Russell Terrorists ar...Read full story
Toyota Advertising Blitz: "Stand Behind Us America."
"They're right," quipped an American car executive,"no one in their right mind wants to stand in front of them!" As the Toyota commercials flooded the air waves this past week, you couldn't turn on the TV without seeing a glowing Toyota commerci...Read full story
NCAA Tournament Brackets Revealed With No Surprises
The NCAA revealed the brackets for the 2010 Basketball Tournament with no surprises. As usual, teams with 20 plus wins from the smaller conferences are seeded 40 to 65. This was done to allow teams from the power conferences (with fewer than 18 w...Read full story
Sir Richard Beardie to cure trains in UK as new train tzar
With just months, weeks, days or even hours to the general election, Sir Richard Beardie has been drafted in as the UK's new Rail Tzar. In a move welcomed across party lines - although it must be said the zookeeper did warn in advance that the chi...Read full story
Al Qaeda on Strike
Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. BA negotiators have been...Read full story
New White House twist in 'Irina Krupnik: I'm no universal sex aid!' furor
New York - (Porny Ass Mess): White House speech writer Jon Favreau has been dragged into the latest twist surrounding a lurid New York defamation suit. Barack Obama's Director of Speechwriting has issued a statement distancing himself from the sof...Read full story
Pakistani Man called Stan
Great controversy surrounds a Pakistani man called Stan who runs a newsagent shop on the south side of Glasgow. Stan is being called by the locals Pakistan and before you think that racist even Stan thinks its funny. Stan is well liked in the com...Read full story
Manchester Man Detained over Wife's Addiction to eBay, Caught with Egg On His Face and the Yokes on Him!
The Manchester 'Flying Squad' today detained and later booked a man for harboring an antique egg drawer stuffed with 100 year old eggs that his wife had bought on eBay in contravention of the Wildlife and Countryside Act of 1981. The man, who mus...Read full story
Poofy Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg, promises real "change" he's promised to withdraw the Lib Dems, hopefully!
The Lib Dems, home of lesbians, Gays, hairdressers, unemployed Ballet Dancers, Bono and Sir Bob Geldof, amongst others, has promised "Real Change" in their manifesto. Nick Clegg, their fab leader, has promised this historical feat in a stirring sp...Read full story
Giant Meat eating plant found in Borneo
A giant meat eating plant found in Borneo known as the Raja Pitcher plant has been renamed Audrey II after the man eating plant in the musical Little Shop of Horrors. The successful musical starred Rick Moranis and Steve Martin. Locals in the area...Read full story
Olympian Ivana Phuque and Spin Bowler Phani Tikkala to Wed
Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque and Shri Lankan spin bowler and Spoof sports correspondent, Phani Tikkala are to wed amid growing reports in the media. Ivana who was rumoured to have lost her cherry to shamed ex-England Captain, John Terry made a st...Read full story
House of Lords to abolish Jack Straw over Bulger cover-up mess
London - (Whitewash): Jack Straw's desperate bid to abolish the House of Lords to save his sordid, corrupt ass was dealt a death blow today. A secret bipartisan House of Lords cabal has vowed to shaft the disgraceful Opus Dei appeasement artist an...Read full story
Roman Emperors/Gods thank "Loony" Sassenachs for illuminating Hadrians wall as the Scots prepared for an attack!
The celebrations on Hadrians Wall have caused quite a stir as the Scottish Home Army didn't know what the fuck was happening while a bunch of "Loony" Sassenachs started illuminating the wall. They thought it was a "Sassenach Attack" and sounded th...Read full story
Cheltenham Festival will be cancelled says famous whorse whisperer
Gloucestershire - (Shergar Mess): A death star sigil that has suddenly appeared on World Hurdle hopeful War of Attrition's hind quarters has sent fans of the Ryanair boss-owned gelding absolutely ballistic. Michael O'Leary's racing team is having...Read full story
Iran in Millwall buy out bid shocker
It's official! Iranian President and despot Achmad Amadinnerbap has approached South Londoner's Millwall F.C in a possible buyout and takeover, for the massive price of two pie and mash. The shock announcement sent ripples of dismay around Ber...Read full story
Google Earth System - The Mr X Files
Mr X has met up with an American scientist who had interesting things to say about the Google Earth System. The scientist who wishes to remain anonymous explained that he has worked with the CIA and the FBI. Our scientist explained that the Google Earth system was actually sold to Google by the American Government. The system was previously used by the CIA and the FBI and was useful in zooming...Read full story
World renowned psychic and lying fucker Pierce Mycolon has sensationally revealed that legendary dead as shit ex pop loon Michael Jackson is talking to him from beyond the grave. Pierce states that Michael claims to have had a hard time getting pa...Read full story
Divine revelation in India
An amazing holy appearance occurred earlier today to local boy Gupta Singh in Smuvass, India . As he lay on his bed stroking the weasel the prophet Mohammed appeared to him with a message for mankind (women were included but not allowed from the k...Read full story
Ants live a social life like us. Their cities are called colonies. Some are fierce hunters! The rest feed on grains and grasses. Some are farmers; they plant mushrooms and keep cows, aphids, for milk, honeydew. Their team work is excellent. Of course, some of them abduct infants for menial jobs. Ants have three classes: the queen, the workers, sterile females, and the male ants, which live on...Read full story
Soccer is not football! says N.F.L.
"Unless they want to find themselves the subject of a huge lawsuit, they better knock off using the word 'football' for their wussy game and this includes 'futbol', as well." This statement was attributed to Knute Redknuckle, the football commission...Read full story
Derek Hough Reveals Three Intimate Secrets About Cheryl Cole
HOLLYWOOD - Derek Hough, one of the dancers on the reality show Dancing With The Stars, said that he thoroughly enjoyed Cheryl Cole's visit to the United States, especially when they were alone in her hotel room. Hough said that the beautiful Brit...Read full story
Al Gore touts fireflies as new green energy lighting system for South
Fireflies, or lightning bugs, are being touted by Al Gore as the new green home lighting system for the southern U.S.A. According to Gore, the bioluminescent bugs are common in the south and could easily be caught by any ten year old boy. "I use...Read full story
Ask a 5 year old boy, they never lie...
Question: What is more fun for you, going to school or being with your brothers and sisters? 5 year old boy: I really like going to school, but my brothers and sisters are fun too! Question: Do you know who our president is? 5 year old boy: Yes, He is Barak Obama, a weakling south-sider Chicagoan who rose to power through the dirty dealing of Daly's political machine. Question: What wo...Read full story
Top 5 ways to stop a speeding Prius
1. Throw everything out of the window that can lighten the vehicle. Oops, that's if you want the car to fly. 2. Have a passenger carefully crawl out onto the hood and pull off the spark plug wires. This will shut the engine down. 3. Lean out of the window as far as possible and carefully (remember you're speeding) shoot out all four tires with your handgun. The car will be hard to steer afte...Read full story
Doctors warn, "Prostrate cancer not to be confused with prostate cancer!"
Prostrate cancer, a form of cancer that occurs in people who spend more than 95% of their time reclining on their couches watching T.V. or playing video games, should not be confused with prostate cancer, a cancer that usually affects men, says the A...Read full story
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Stockbrokers to hold international conference
Alarmed by the increase of injurious acts against stockbrokers throughout the world, the S.P.C.S. (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Stockbrokers) will hold its first international convention on Devil's Island, off the coast of French Guiana o...Read full story
Vampire obsession creates moonlight savings time
In a radical change of priorities, spurred on by a fascination with vampires and all things dark, world citizens have called for moonlight savings time. According to pollsters, people are demanding that daylight savings time be rescinded and replace...Read full story
Cheryl closes Beeb for Cowell the Illuminati Captain
Cheryl Cole practically closed BBC 1 on Friday evening by backing out of the Jonathan Ross Show at the 11th hour. Her press bods put the no show down to Cheryl having a tickly cough but we know different. Her failure to show was part of an elaborate...Read full story
Dutch Nurses Say "No" to Providing Sex to Patients, Female UK Teachers say "Not So Fast!"
A looming battle is building momentum as a Dutch Nurses Union has taken a stand against 'handing out' sexual favours to patients, while a new Female Teachers Union in the UK says they WANT to provide sexual gratification for male students with 's...Read full story