Jake The Bachelor Having Second Thoughts About Vienna: "What The Hell Was I Thinking?"

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Thursday, 4 March 2010

image for Jake The Bachelor Having Second Thoughts About Vienna: "What The Hell Was I Thinking?"
The last rose that Jake gave to Vienna which has long since wilted and fallen apart like their relationship will soon do.

DALLAS - Jake Pavelka, the 2010 Bachelor has chosen Vienna Girardi, the woman that he wants to marry, have kids with, and spend the rest of his life with...or maybe not.

An inside source says that the 31-year-old Texan commercial pilot has confided in him that he is starting to realize that he made the wrong choice. He now knows that he should have chosen the woman that all of America wanted him to chose Tenley Molzahn.

Jake the Snake, as his grandmother Gertie Flackenbocker. 89, calls him, realizes that everyone from his mother to his sisters-in-law and from his fifth grade school teacher Betty Bickletacky, to his very first girlfriend Brenda Sue Bittergum were all right for not liking the woman he chose; Vienna the penguin trainer from Sanford, Florida.

Even a group of well known celebrities which include Howard Stern, Larry King, Perez Hilton, Ellen DeGeneres, and Lady Gaga all personally told Jake to steer clear of the vociferous vixen Vienna who was as two-faced as they come, even more so than Ann Coulter.

He was told that she had lied and cheated her way in failed relationships from Savannah, Georgia to Walla Walla, Washington, and even one four years ago in Bombay, India.

The inside source even correctly told Jake, before he himself even knew, about a tattoo of a scorpion holding a basketball that Vienna had tattooed on her G-spot two years ago while she was dating a junior college basketball team in Michigan.

But Jake the Snake was Jake the Flake and he refused to see the writing on the wall, the proof in the pudding, and the tattoo on her G-spot.

The commercial pilot who truly believes that he is a compilation of Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, and Zac Efron all rolled into one, is in reality more like a compilation of Joe Biden, Bill O'Reilly, and Joan Rivers.

All one has to do is simply look at Vienna's eyes. Those are the most evil-looking, menacing eyes that I have ever seen. Those eyes cry out, make one bad move, make on chicken shit remark and I will impale you onto a Louisville Slugger like I'm putting carrots on a shish kabob.

I mean my goodness, Jake's good-looking mom and quasi-MILF even warned her 'little boy' about Vi the vixen.

Jake should have listened to his mom. Like she told her 'close-eared and close-minded son', "Jakey, son, what does it say about a woman when she herself tells you that none of the other show's horny girls looking to get into your boxers could not even stand her sorry ass, or to be more accurate hated the ground the dumb, arrogant, sarcastic bitch walked on."

But like Paris Hilton once said, "Ah, okay, you've made your bed and now it's like ya know, time for me to ya know, umm lay in it."

Jake Pavelka could certainly star in one more reality show, "Meet The World's Biggest Stupidest & Most Ignorant Bachelor."

In other news. The government of South Africa has just sold the largest diamond mind in the entire world to a brand new corporation called 'Three White Crackers and A Black Cookie.' TWC & BC is comprised of Melissa Etheridge, Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, and Oprah Winrey.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more