Not Going Loco Down In Acapulco
Mexico's President Calderon was reported to be apopleptic last night as the escalation of the country's drug cartel wars impacted tourist areas, such as Acapulco on the Pacific coast, where seventeen people met particularly gruesome deaths over the w...Read full story
Drog Off! - Mourinho Still The Special One!
In a veritable 'night of the stars' at Stamford Bridge, the eventual star of them all was ex-Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho, who guided his Inter Milan team to a 1-0 victory on the night, 3-1 on aggregate. Chasing a one doal defecit from the first...Read full story
Southeastern Railways to be renamed Uselesscunts Railways
The train company who supply the service to people who live in south east London and Kent have decided to change their name in an effort to reflect the quality of the service they provide. Southeastern Railways are to be rebranded as Uselesscunts...Read full story
BBC stars for 'Hand Relief'
The BBC today announced the names of the stars and celebrities who will be taking part in this years 'Hand Relief' - an annual wank-fest to raise money for good causes. Regular hand relievers like Chris Evans, Bruce Forsyth, Dale Winton and Adr...Read full story
Celebrity Adoption Shocker
The world of celebrity was rocked to its very foundations today when it was announced singer/songwriter Amy Winehouse was adopting a white baby from her own country. In a move that has already been branded as "disgusting" by Madonna and Angelina Joli...Read full story
Screeching Morons Euthanised
In a stunning move, that just about anyone with a shred of musical taste could have predicted, Irish Twats Jedward have been given the chop by their music label. The news comes as their one and only anal belch or "single" failed to top the UK char...Read full story
Grandpa Ganja's Guerrilla Warfare for Teachers Ch. 1-3
A review of GWFT by C. D. Phillips (Oakland, TN USA) If you teach high school you need to read this book. OK, so it is meant to be funny and might actually offend at times but just to think from this viewpoint is something every teacher should be required to do. Very highly recommended. TABLE OF CONTENTS Chapter Introduction...Read full story
Are Buzzards Creating Their Own Food?
In the small community of Bastardo, Arkansas where every other person you meet is a Buchanan, there is something strange going on. "And it's not that 90% of the state is related to each other", stated Police coroner John Buchanan Buchanan who has...Read full story
Simon Cowell Flattened By Woody Harrelson
No one knows exactly why they got into it but actor Woody Harrelson apparently flattened Simon Cowell with a single blow at a restaurant in Soho. A friend of Harrelson claims that he and Harrelson had been having a few beers and that Harrelson had...Read full story
Amy Winehouse Rushed To Hospital With Fingernail Up Her Nose!
"Why does all the shit have to happen to me?", asked a sour-faced Amy Winehouse Monday. "I wear fake long nails and not paying attention, I wind up in the hospital where it took them 45 minutes to get the thing out." Actually, she was lucky it did...Read full story
Books Which I Would Love to Read if Only they Existed
• My Sweet 16 by Karl Marx (sequel to Das Capital Investment) • Big Brother Turned Out Worse Than I Anticipated by George Orwell • Failure by Bill Gates • The Couples Guide to Hassle Free Divorce by Katie Price • Ha! Like That's Ever Going to Happen by Dr Michio Kaku • Notes from Planet Bill by Mrs Bryson • Karma Sutra- The Next Chapter by Mary Whitehouse • Why I Put All...Read full story
Tiger Woods To Play In The Masters Golf Tournament - His Wife Elin Will Be His Caddy
ORLANDO - Tiger Woods has just announced that after voluntarily checking himself into rehab on three different occasions, at a total cost of $475,000, he is ready to pick up his putter and his balls and start playing around...ah make that and start...Read full story
Madonna Claims Tiger Woods Is Love Child by Big Dipper
Aging super sultrist Madonna, who just recently provoked Yankee superstar, ARod, to leave his wife and children for her thigh nest, raised eyebrows in the Big Apple this morning by saying that she believes that she is the mother of Tiger Woods. Unti...Read full story
Lithuanien assaults female police officer with his "Dick", she thought it was her "truncheon"!
A drunken, rather largely built Lithuanien, has assaulted a female police officer with his "Dick" (penis in oxford English). The assault happened after police were called to an address where loud music, raucous behaviour and mega-boozing was takin...Read full story
Mr Ed in mourning as Casey Jones Dies at Cheltenham
Mr Ed the talking horse is in mourning after the death at Cheltenham of Casey Jones. Not Casey Jones the engineer of the train the Cannonball Express, it was a very good racehorse called Casey Jones who died a horrific death at Cheltenham the "death...Read full story
Katie Price Victim Of Unprovoked Attack
Katie Price was viciously attacked today at a book signing of her latest bestselling novel, Toilet Paper. The attack came when 14 starving novelists broke ranks with her many devoted fans and started throwing volumes of Keats, Tolkien and Raymond Fie...Read full story
Jose Mourinho returns to Chelsea and tells the world "I have nothing to prove and only God (Sir Alex Ferguson) is above me"
The "Special One" returns to Chelsea this evening and has already told everybody he has nothing to prove, in fact, Chelsea must prove too him how great he really was or get stuffed by Inter Milan and they will prove how great Jose still is. Jose i...Read full story
Ronald Weinland - One of two of God's prophets - tells of Jesus returning
I've been doing some serious research since reading and writing about Jesus wanting to be President. It appears that 2012 is in his diary, but it's for a different reason. That's how rumours get started. This should teach us all to do our resear...Read full story
David Beckham could be given chance to go to world cup by Japanese Surgeon
A Japanese Surgeon is preparing to fly to Finland today to carry out the world's first achilles tendon transplant on David Beckham. It will revolutionise the world of football injuries and means that David Beckham will play for England. It invo...Read full story
Achilles by the Poet Laureate causes uproar in Scotland
A new poem from the pen of the Poet Laureate would be expected to draw comment from posh newspapers and magazines. It is reported that the poem "Achilles" dedicated to Becks, not the beer, the guy with a sore heel is causing shockwaves across Scottis...Read full story
Bollix's Bangers and Blankets Expands
On the way up the fast food upstart Bollix's Bangers and Blankets announced a stock split today -- 2 for 1. The stock, trading on the US Nasdaq, was trading for 10 cents and after the split it was 5 cents. The stock is now at 6 cents which represen...Read full story
Petrol to hit record highs
Solihull, Tuesday - Anti-car weirdos were given reason to cheer Tuesday morning after it was revealed petrol prices are due to soar to £1.99 a litre by the end of this month (March 2010). The alarming decline in the value of the pound (now officia...Read full story
Blind soldier uses tongue to see the world!
A UK soldier has received a new device that allows him to see using his tongue. Spoof's science correspondent told us, "The device which looks like a pair of super cool sunglasses uses the tongue to interpret complex things and then translate light i...Read full story
Venables/Thompson connection amid MPs' 'Omagh IRA cover-up' fury calls?
London - (Subterfuge Mess): Is a corrupt government espionage unit involved in the Venables/Thompson fiasco? And can anyone find a connection to classic intelligence howlers like the WMD dodgy dossier, the disappearance of Shergar/Lord Lucan/MoD l...Read full story
Becks interviewed following recenty surgery
David Beckham was interviewed at his bedside following his one hour operation yesterday. He was just finishing of his diary entry when this reporter started the interview. He was obviously in much pain and offered his diary entry as part of the i...Read full story
Spoof Actor goes to his Grave
Peter Graves who starred in the classic disaster Movie spoof Airplane has died aged 83 after a suspected heart attack. Graves appeared in Airplane and its sequel,he was also well known for his role in the television series Mission Impossible. F...Read full story
Paris Hilton Head beach jogger killed by Experimental Lancair IV-P plane
South Carolina - (Sand Dune Mess): The freak accident happened as the plane began leaking oil at 13,000ft and a back-draft sprayed the pilot's window, obscuring flight vision and causing the plane to plummet suddenly, according to reports. An unid...Read full story
Tragic details on Pingpings death
He Pingping, the worlds smallest man sadly died in Rome yesterday. Pingping was in Rome at the national dwarfs pingpong championships playing against fellow dwarf bashful. Reports are coming in that pingping was hit by a pingpong ball from...Read full story
Worlds Smallest man dies weeks after visiting Worlds tallest building
Poor little Pingping the worlds smallest man has died suddenly at the short age of only 21. This is another warning to smokers that smoking can stunt your growth and shorten your life. Pinping liked to play ping pong in his spare time but recently h...Read full story
Kate Winslett talks about her split (marriage that is)
Kate Winslett has told Scoop why she decided to split from boring hubby Sam. Lovely Kate, the thinking man's totty decided enough was enough when Sam refused to shave off his grey beard! "I'd had been on at Sam for a while now to get rid of that...Read full story
Naked mystery man in Julia Alexandratou sex tape 'definitely not Nadal' - report
Athens - (Copycat Mess): International singing star Shakira can breathe a huge sigh of relief. The gorgeous, tanned, naked hunk in Greek pop star's Julia Alexandratou' whirlpool bath video 'definitely isn't Rafael Nadal' according to music industr...Read full story
Gordon Brown's 'Boom and Bust' £ Sterling Crisis!
10 Downing Street, LONDON: "Why the f*****g hell should I speak to the IMF, I've saved the world!" boomed out down the corridors of Downing Street, as Gordon Brown, threw another laptop at the wall in rage!! Moody's the US rating agency have said...Read full story
Fears grow in fake tanning industry over BA strike action
A spokesperson for the Organisation of Red And Nasty Ginger Epidermis or O.R.A.N.G.E for short voiced its member's fears today over pending BA strike action. Miss Dee Velopes-Overnight said, "BA cabin crew are our bread and butter money, if BA go...Read full story
Brit Business Owner Refuses to Hire Vets: Offers Jobs to Venables & Thompson Upon their Release!
Army vets were shocked to learn today they would not be considered for employment by a local business man who said he preferred to hire pedophiles and convicted drug dealers instead. The man, who can not be named due to a ruling confirmed by the E...Read full story
Rafa Benitez to sign an injured David Beckham
THIS IS ANFIELD: The 'Rafalution' is back on steam, with another proposed Rafa decision that will leave the mighty 'Kop' quizzing his mental state. This reporter has learnt that following the signing of other Liverpool 'favourites', most of whom had...Read full story
Jon Venables New Identity Discovered!
The identity of Jon Venables, the killer who was released from prison on licence and given anonimity to protect him from the public after murdering toddler James Bulger in 1993, has been discovered, it has been reported. Venables, along with his s...Read full story
First Beckham...Now I'm Ruled out. Says spoof writer
Following the devastating news that David Beckham has been ruled out of a possible 4th world cup appearance there appears to be yet another set back to England's world cup bid. Colin Short, part time spoof writer, has also ruled himself out of thi...Read full story
Depp in Deep trouble
Johnny Depp has found himself in deep water this morning at the filming of his new movie Willie Wonkies choccie factory 2. The set which took 8 months to make, and was built entirely of chocolate and candy was found demolished this morning when...Read full story
Venables Identity Changed... Now Doesn't Know Who He Is
Baby-battering Man of Mystery Jon Venables has successfully undergone a 13th change of identity in as many weeks, as the probation service attempt to keep him safe from vigilante attacks. However, despite avoiding the pitchfork-brandishing masses,...Read full story
Susan Boyle's greatest UK fan admits, I am obsessed
A little known fact about the Subo explosion throughout the known universe is the toll that it has taken on ordinary families. Mrs S of Bolton, Lancashire was a typical mum with three kids who lived a boring life until Subo mania caught hold of he...Read full story
Irishman and the Olives Mystery
Cillian Murphy known to his friends as Silly went to his local pub Finnegans and ordered Martini after Martini each time taking the olives out and placing them in a jar. As he sat in the bar drinking he was reading the obituary column of his newspap...Read full story
Susan Boyle has dinner with PM Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling, Chancellor of the Exchequer 2
It appears that Westminster is still taken aback by the news of tonight's dinner. Tory Central Office has complained that Labour is using dirty tricks and is not playing fair. A Government spokesman when asked stuck his fingers in his ears and sang l...Read full story
Disabled Wheelchair Curling Team Captain 'Not Disabled' Say Koreans
The captain of the a disabled wheelchair curling team has been suspended pending an investigation into allegations that he is not disabled, just a lazy bastard. The astonishing claim was made by a member of the opposing Korean team at the Paralymp...Read full story
The First Celebrity To Be Eliminated On Donald Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice" Is Carol Leifer - Who?!
MANHATTAN - Donald Trump's baby, Celebrity Apprentice kicked off with a thunderous thud that was heard from Manhattan, New York all the way to Manhattan Beach, California. And when the dust had finally settled all that was left was dust - lots and...Read full story
David Beckham Set To Miss World Cup Because He Is Too Old And No Good
David Beckham, the former Manchester United and England star, who, at the moment, can't decide whether he is an LA Galaxy player or an AC Milan player, is set to miss this year's World Cup in South Africa because he is too old and not good enough, sa...Read full story
Testosterone Products Announced
During the Hairy Men Gala Event the Testes Two Venture Capital firm announced their backing of Jones, Smith and Elm Street who has developed a line of testosterone enhanced products. Initial funding is $15M to support the aggressive but seductiv...Read full story
San Francisco Vegetarian & Humanitarian Claims Bananas Can Stop the Spread of Aids!
A recent medical report released by a part time biologist, medical journal writer, and full time vegetarian claims the regular use of bananas can halt the spread of Aids! Still not tested by the FDA, the report states that a special ingredient in...Read full story