Appalled by recent events in London when an individual known as LeRetard was ordered beheaded by a special session of the Council of the Star Chamber held by Team Purple, a press release was issued today by a spokesperson representing The Red Cult, a group of fanatics devoted to singer Susan Boyle:
Our thoughts and prayers go out to the family and friends of our beloved Red Cult member, LeRetard, who met such an unfortunate end on March 2, 2010, in London. Lengthy discussions have been held between cult leaders and lesser members concerning the best way to honor the memory of LeRetard. We are pleased to announce our decision to declare LeRetard a saint, to be known formally as St. LeRetard the Humourless on the List of Saints. We are skipping the formal canonization process normally reserved to the Holy See inasmuch as it can take decades or centuries to complete. Our actions are not without precedent as we refer to singer Susan Boyle as 'Lady' Susan Boyle in total disregard of protocol.
Plans are currently in the process of being finalized by the Bobbsey Twins to hold the canonization service in a large Catholic church here in the United States, possibly in Denver or New York. Further details will be released at a future date so that our 50,000+ cult members can make travel arrangements.
Finally, the Vatican has been contacted concerning Cardinal O'Brien's availability to participate in the service. Sadly, Susan Boyle declined our invitation to attend the event.
This reporter was fortunate to be granted interviews by several members of the Red Cult. When reached at his penthouse in Manhatten Dan the Cowboy Man said, "Well now I do declare, ma'am, I was right sickened by what happened to LeRetard. I know in my heart of hearts that He-Who-Shall-Be-Named was really behind this. Talk to y'all later.
Hee Haw!!"
Annika 'Spike Up My Ass' Evans commented, "I can't understand why LeRetard was condemned for the morally reprehensible crime of being without a sense of humour. I have suffered from this affliction all of my life." Sobbing uncontrollably she added, "I can't believe I missed Susan's performance in Amsterdam the other day and, if you'll excuse me, please, I'm going to go commit suicide."
Interviewed at the construction site of the Museum For All Things Susan (M.F.A.T.S.), Retired Gentleman in Arizona (RGIA) remarked, "Like everyone else I was deeply saddened by the loss of LeRetard and I am planning to include a statue of St. LeRetard the Humourless here at the museum. I have commissioned famous sculptress RedPandaBear2 to design it. Hopefully, she will lay off weed and complete this assignment in a more timely manner than the blue and white afghan project. The statue will be displayed in the Red Shrine Room with an admission fee of $75 for Level 3 SuperSuperSusaFanatics."
This reporter has thus far been unable to learn when the next meeting of the Council of the Star Chamber will take place.
